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Thread: Meet the Broads

  1. #81
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    I miss Berg-Belak. Those were the days.

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    *Aki-Petteri

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    Well, looks like akiberg and Aki Berg have one thing in common, they missed their only opportunity in life.

    Anyways, next up we have "AlbaGuBrath". AlbaGuBrath takes his or her name from the phrase "Alba gu brąth" which sadly isn't klingon, so we don't get the opportunity to talk about how much cooler Worf was in Deep Space Nine compared to Next Generation. Instead "Alba gu brąth" comes from a bigger joke language than klingon, Scottish gaelic. It means "Scotland until judgement" and that's apparently some sort of slogan for a free Scotland or something. I don't know, I didn't really bother to read the wikipedia page.

    Pushing on, going from the username and the avatar photo of the anti-semite wearing blue face paint, it clears that Abracadabra was one of those assholes with a Mc or Mac in their surname who saw Braveheart and suddenly had an opinion on Scottish independence. They were to the mid-1990s what tent caterpillars were to the late 1980s: an annoying infestation of pests. Luckily, you don't see as many of them anymore in North America. I guess it's hard to keep caring about Scottish self-determination when there are so many shiny objects around.

    So Abughraib, tell us about yourself. Are you still a mouth breathing idiot or have you mastered that tricky nasal breathing yet? Were you confused as I was about Worf's exact placement in the chain of command in DS9? I mean he was XO of the Defiant and second officer of the station, but sometimes Kira seemed to outrank him on the Defiant. What was up with that? Are you aware that no one thinks you look cool when you show up to a wedding a kilt?

  4. #84
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    Well, looks like AlbaGuBrath took the high road and this thread took the low road, so this thread will be in Scotland before him. But this thread and AlbaGuBrath will never meet again, on the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.

    Anyways, next up we have "Alberta Yote". You probably think you already know the meaning of Alberta Yote's username: that he is Albertan who either has a fetish for wild dogs or is a people smuggler. Well, you thought wrong and you've embarrassed yourself.

    The "Alberta" in Alberta Yote actually refers to Princess Louise Caroline Alberta, the sixth child of Queen Victoria and Duchess of Argyll. "Yote" is not a contraction of coyote, but rather a misspelling of the Spanish "Yo te" or "I will". So the username "Alberta Yote" is actually Alberta Yote publicly declaring his intention to fuck Princess Louise, Duchess of Argyll.

    Posted Image

    She's no Mary Elizabeth Winstead, but to each his own.

    Posted Image

    Hot.

    Anyhow, as we all know, Princess Louise died on December 3, 1939. Coyote Yote only discovered this in September 2012. He has so heart broken that he has only posted one rage-filled post since.

    So, Alberta Yote tell us about yourself and your lost love. Will you ever learn to love again? Do you know that if it wasn't for heartbreak, we wouldn't know how great love feels? Is it obvious that I really phoned this entry in? Even if you didn't know she was dead, how did you not know that she was married? And that she had kids. And that she was born in 1848. What are you, some sort of geriophile homewrecker?

  5. #85
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    Well, it looks like Alberta Yote is still sitting in a dark room, listening to Sara McLachlan while crying and gently rocking himself in the fetal position.

    Anyways, next up we "Alessandro Seren Rosso". You may know Alessandro Seren Rosso as a writer. What he writes about his hockey. He does it professionally. You could say that Alessandro Seren Rosso is a professional hockey writer. You could say it, but you couldn't write it. At least not as well as Alessandro Seren Rosso could. It's his profession.

    Fun fact, Alessandro Seren Rosso has three passions in life, in order of magnitude they are:

    1) writing
    2) professionalism
    3) pogs

    So Alessandro Seren Rosso, tell us about yourself. Do you mind if we call you "Alice" for short? Are you still writing? What is your opinion on amateurism? Is Alf really back? In pog form?

  6. #86
    IcE ColD
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    Sad that Yote didn't pass by to say hello.

    R.I.P. Susfman.
    <Insert derogatory comment/post here.>

  7. #87
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    Well, looks like Alice is off writing.

    Professionally.

    About hockey.

    Anyways, next up we have "Alex Jones", another one of the generic Americans from one of those soulless American team boards that segregate themselves off from the rest of Broads. We probably just aren't white enough for them.

    Anyhow, because of the inherent racism lurking under the surface of every post on the New Jersey, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Minnesota, St Louis, and Colorado forums, you probably think that Alex Jones takes his name from racist conservative talk show host/schizophrenic Alex Jones, made famous for his belief that the Sandy Hook school massacre was a Federal government plot designed to take away his guns and thereby make women realize how small his penis is. Fortunately, our Alex Jones is no way affiliated with micropenis Alex Jones. Instead, Alex Jones takes his name from famed British playwright Alex Jones, renowned for his great works "Phil & Jill & Jill & Phil", "The Worcester Pilgrim", and "I'm a Minger!. That last one is a particular favourite of our most cultured broad, Papa Lazarou, who constantly references it.

    So Alex Jones, tell us about yourself. What do you think of Alex Jones' film work? In particular, do you think that "Faster, Harder, Longer, Whistle!" could ever be adapted to the stage?

  8. #88
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    Well, looks like Alex Jones is busy writing "Phil & Jill & Jill & Phil 2: Electric Boogaloo", in which Phil, Jill, Jill, and Phil struggle to stop the demolition their local community recreation center by entering a break dance competition.

    Anyways, next up he have "Alexmo89", who, I shit you not, named him or herself after Alexander Mogilny. And this name wasn't picked in 1995, when Mogilny was relevant, but in 2008, two years after Mogliny's retirement.

    There is probably other stuff I can say about him, but I really want to get to the bottom of the Alexander Mogliny thing.

    So, Alexmo89, tell us about yourself. Alexander Mogilny? Really? I mean really?

  9. #89
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    I like Alexander Mogilny.

    Please stop insulting my alts.

  10. #90
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    Well, looks like no Alexmog89. Given that his self-esteem was so low that he named himself after Alexander Mogliny, it's safe to say that he killed himself years ago.

    Anyways, next up we have "Alfreswede". I knew Alfreswede. He was my friend. I will tell you his story, but it's long so here are the Coles notes:

    In the summer of 1922, I moved from Gloucester to work as a bond salesman in New York. I rented a house in West Egg, a suburb of New York on Long Island full of the “new rich” who have made their fortunes too recently to have built strong social connections. I graduated from Yale and has connections in East Egg, a town where the people with social connections and “old” money lived. One night I drived to East Egg to have dinner with my cousin, Ms_Nyquil and her husband Nyquil, a classmate of mine at Yale. There, I met 19cents, a beautiful and cynical professional golfer. 19Cents told me that Nquil was having an affair. Upon returning home from dinner, I saw my mysterious neighbor ALFRESWEDE holding out his arms toward the Long Island Sound. I looked out across the water, but saw only a GREEN LIGHT blinking at the end of a dock on the far shore.

    A few days later, Nyquil invited me to a party in New York City. On the way, Nyquil picked up his mistress, Moz, the wife Office Glen, the owner of an auto shop an industrial area between West Egg and New York City called the VALLEY OF ASHES. At the party, Moz got drunk and made fun of Ms_Nyquil. Nyquil punched her and broke her nose.

    The next night I attended one of Alfreswede’s extravagant Saturday night parties. I ran into 19cents there, and met Alfreswede for the first time. Alfreswede privately told 19cents a story she described as the most “amazing thing.” After going to lunch with Alfreswede and a shady business partner of Alfreswede’s named mayoradamwest, I mets with 19cents and learned the “amazing” story: Alfreswede met and fell in love with Ms_Nyquil before World War I, and bought his West Egg mansion just to be near her and impress her. At Alfreswede’s request, I arranged a meeting between Alfreswede and Ms_Nyquil. The two soon rediscovered their love.

    Later in the summer, Ms_Nyquil invited me and Alfreswede to lunch with her, Nyquil, and 19cents. During the lunch, Nyquil realized that Ms_Nyquil and Alfreswede were having an affair. He insisted we all go to New York City. As soon as we gathered at the Plaza Hotel, though, Nyquil and Alfreswede got into an argument about Ms_Nquil. Alfreswede told Nyquil that Ms_Nyquil never loved Nyquil and had only ever loved him. But Ms_Nyquil could only admit that she loved them both, leaving Alfreswede stunned. Nyquil then revealed that Alfreswede made his fortune by bootlegging alcohol and other illegal means. Nyquil then dismissively told Ms_Nyquil to go home with Alfreswede, since he knew Alfreswede won’t “bother” her anymore. They left in Alfreswede’s car, while me, Nyquil, and 19cents followed sometime later. As we drove home, we came upon an accident: Moz had been hit and killed by a car. Nyquil realized that it must have been Alfreswede’s car that struck Moz, and he cursed Alfreswede as a coward for driving off. But I learned from Alfreswede later that night that Ms_Nyquil was actually behind the wheel.

    The next afternoon, I had a kind of premonition about Alfreswede so I decided to visit his house. There found him shot to death in his pool. Office Glen’s dead body is a few yards away. Office Glen, distraught, was convinced that the driver of the car yellow car that hit Moz was also her lover.
    I organized a funeral, but none of the people who were supposedly Gatsby’s friends came. Only Alfreswede’s father and one other man attended.I ended my relationship with 19cents. I ran into Nyquil soon after, and learned that Nyquil told Office Glen that Alfreswede ran over Moz. I didn’t tell Nyquil that Ms_Nyquil was really at the wheel.

    Disgusted with the corrupt emptiness of life on the East Coast, I moved back to Gloucester. But the night before I left I walked down to Gatsby’s beach and looked out over Long Island Sound. I thought about Alfreswede, and compared him to the first settlers to America. Like Alfreswede, all people must move forward with their arms outstretched toward the future, like boats traveling upstream against the current of the past.

  11. #91
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    First of all, to break up the walls of texts on this thread, here is a gratuitousness picture of Mary Elizabeth Winstead:

    Posted Image


    Well, it looks like Alfreswede is like the American Dream, forgotten. The gilded age for hockey discussion is gone forever.

    Anyways, next up we have "All-Star". You may remember All-Star from the Habs board, where he or she was known as that one guy (or girl - or since it is Montreal, transsexual) with the Skeletor avatar. Skeletor was a villain, so I was never sure what the intended message of that avatar was supposed to be. Was All-Star trying to say that the Canadiens were "cool" or "badass" like Skeletor was seen by children in the 80s and is currently seen today by those losers that put Decepticon decals on their Mazdas and Subarus? Or was All-Star saying that, like Skeletor, the Canadiens and their fans are perennial losers best remembered for their shrill, whining?

    Only All-star knows for sure.

    But will he or she tell us? It seems that, despite what we've heard from Smashmouth, being an All-Star is not all it is cracked up to be. For his or her subtitle, All-Star wrote "I hate my job". The pressures of being an All-Star were apparently too much for All-Star and he or she lost the drive to post over a year ago. Unfortunately, All-Star's sudden disappearance upset the balance of power on the Habs board causing the Great Schism (or "La Super-Schisme") that lead to Leon Trotsky-like exile of Beaker and a failed attempt to build a windmill that cost many Hab posters their lives. But that's a another story for another time.

    So, All-Star, tell us about yourself. What is the deal with the Skeletor avatar? Was it meant to say that the Habs board was He-Man and the Master of the Universe and you were Skeletor, a lone straight man fighting against a world of homoeroticism? Are you disappointed that you never became HallofFamer? If Beaker was Trotsky, who are Lenin and Stalin?

  12. #92
    Craig
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    I still think that windmill was a good idea. Then we wouldn't have to mill all this grain by hand. Think of how much spare time we would have to do other productive things!

  13. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by Craig View Post
    I still think that windmill was a good idea. Then we wouldn't have to mill all this grain by hand. Think of how much spare time we would have to do other productive things!
    Deviltalk.

  14. #94
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    Well, looks like All-Star won't be on the ballot this year. See what I did there? God, I'm great. But please, save your rep for the other, less talented posters. Like Herc Man.

    Anyways, next up we have "AllanBester". You might know AllanBester from the impressive 14 posts he or she made in less than 24 hours of activity on Hockeybroads. Given that short window of activity, it's surprising to learn that AllanBester was not one of the many spambots which the mods turn a blind eye too in exchange for kickbacks of HTC ChaCha's. Rather, AllanBester was merely another Sens fan that couldn't handle the high octane, sexually rigorous, pressure cooker environment of the Sens board.

    Scandalously, AllanBester takes his or her username from a former Maple Leafs goalie, Allan Bester. Yet, for some reason, he or she was still allowed to post on the Sens Board. Just another scathing indictment of the treasonous Sens janitors. How can such mice be allowed lead such lions?

    So AllanBester, tell us about you. Do you consider yourself to be a modern day Icarus? Why did you pick Allan Bester? Are you Allan Bester? If you really are Allan Bester, what do you consider your biggest failure: not having the talent to be an NHL starter or not having the character to be a Sens broad?

  15. #95
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    Well, AllanBester can't slam with the best, so he's jamming with the rest.

    Anyways, next up we have "AllFlyer'dUp". AllFyler'dUp, whose username I find intrinsically annoying so I won't be using it again, has been a Broad for all of 22 days. In the Flyers board's official identity theft thread (or IDF) he is a 19 year old, Louisianan living in Philadelphia whose parents don't know who to properly spell the name Caleb. Like all Louisianians his favourite things are crayfish mushed together with peppers, beads, and the 1989 NES classic, The Adventures of Bayou Billy.

    Posted Image

    So Caleb, tell us about yourself. Or don't. To be frank, you're 19 so the only be who care about you or your opinion are other 19 year olds and whatever the gay equivalent of a cougar are.

    We should probably remember that gay cougar terminology question for when Zamboner comes up.

  16. #96
    Craig
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    There is something very wrong with Billy's neck.

  17. #97
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    Well, looks like no Caleb. Good.

    Anyways, next up we have "alx8888". Alx8888 has never posted on Hockeybroads and has only signed into his or her account once, on October 20, 2012.

    So, what is alx8888? Another human sacrifice to the Lovecraftian gods of Hockeybroads? A bot? An alt account created to stuff the ballot in the Broad of the Year election? A spirit from the ancient Indian burial ground under the Broads server farm in New Delhi? A time traveler from the future who is going to use Hockeybroads to send messages to the future just like Bruce Willis used that answering machine for that dry cleaners in 12 Monkeys?

    Posted Image

    No, the time traveler account is "The Count of Montefusco". In the future, chronospheres are the playthings of the landed gentry. You can thank season 5 of Downton Abbey for that.

    Alas, alx8888 is merely another one of the many fake or "shell" posters created by mods for tax purposes. It's one the many loopholes in the Indian tax system that convinced the mods to base the servers there. Fun fact, "Broad" is hindi for dependent. "Cockfag" is the same but in sanskrit.

    So, if there any Indian tax attorneys or accountants to explain how that works please do. Or if you are a member of the Indian Department of Revenue and you have a question you'd like to ask the mods about their last filing, feel free to ask that here too.

  18. #98
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    Well, looks like no one wants to explain Hockeybroads' Double India arrangement.

    Anyways, next up we have "Amateur Hour". On the surface, Amateur Hour seems like a pretty nondescript Broad. He or she was active for five days, made 4 posts, and then found someplace better on the internet to spend his or her time. If he or she is like a certain former Sens Broad those places are Reddit's Gone Wild and Myfreecams.com. Pretty standard stuff.

    Or is it?

    At 11:32 PM on July 17th, 2011, GR repped a post made by Amateur Hour on the thread, "Flyers Broads: Feeding Lamia, Phase Two". Whatever that post was, it was either so incredible, so game changing, that the Janitors censored it, locking it behind a password, fearful that it would change everything. That post was the internet hockey discussion forum singularity.

    So Amateur Hour, tell us about yourself. Tell us what you said. Information wants to be free.

  19. #99
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    Well, looks like Amateur Hour isn't going to talk to us. Bush league move, Amateur Hour, really unprofessional.

    Anyways, next up we have "amylee". Amylee is a rarity in Hockeybroads and not for the gender reason you are thinking. She joined October 24, 2011 and visiting the site up until August 11, 2012. That means that Amylee is a lurker who actually went to the trouble to make an account. Why would a lurker bother to do that? HOT NORTHERN EUROPE ACTION that's why.

    But who is Amylee? There are three possibilities.

    1) Some random Asian girl whose parents attempted to assimilate by given their daughter a Western name.

    2) Former Quebecker porn starlet Sweet Amy Lee, who after retiring from porn no longer has anything better to do with her time but to lurk on a mediocre internet forum. She dropped the nickname "Sweet" because she no longer considers herself sweet after all of the unspeakable (but filmable) things she did as a porn actor. Terrible things like having sex with other Quebeckers.

    3) Lead singer of Evanescence, Amy Lee. Since Caleb and Bytownboozer are too young to remember them, they had a big hit in 2003 with the emo classic, "Bring Me To Life". If you had went to pub karoke night from 2003 to 2008, you would have been able to see half a dozen women with poorly dyed black hair, wearing thick brimmed glasses, studded wristlets, and black tank tops short enough to revel butterfly tramp stamps, sing that. Anyhow, amylee could be Amy Lee because really, what the fuck else could Amy Lee have going on? A new Evanescence world tour or Best Of CD set?

    So amylee, tell us about yourself. Specifically, depending on who you are:

    1) Do feel that have an English sounding first name really help you fit in with your non-Asian peers? Or do you feel that globalization and an increasingly post-racial world made your parents decision moot?

    2) Were there long term consequences to your sphincter for your work in the porn industry? Whatever happened to Shelby Belle?

    3) Are you aware that a child born at the height of your fame would be nearly 10 years old today? How did you always look like you were somehow wearing both too much and too little makeup at the same town?

  20. #100
    The Bytown Boozer
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    Some Leafs fans around here happen to think that Evanescence is still cool, Senate, so don't be a fucking jerk.

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