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Post #1 by senate » Tue Mar 05, 2013 9:54 pm

Well, looks like Alice is off writing.

Professionally.

About hockey.

Anyways, next up we have "Alex Jones", another one of the generic Americans from one of those soulless American team boards that segregate themselves off from the rest of Broads. We probably just aren't white enough for them.

Anyhow, because of the inherent racism lurking under the surface of every post on the New Jersey, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Minnesota, St Louis, and Colorado forums, you probably think that Alex Jones takes his name from racist conservative talk show host/schizophrenic Alex Jones, made famous for his belief that the Sandy Hook school massacre was a Federal government plot designed to take away his guns and thereby make women realize how small his penis is. Fortunately, our Alex Jones is no way affiliated with micropenis Alex Jones. Instead, Alex Jones takes his name from famed British playwright Alex Jones, renowned for his great works "Phil & Jill & Jill & Phil", "The Worcester Pilgrim", and "I'm a Minger!. That last one is a particular favourite of our most cultured broad, Papa Lazarou, who constantly references it.

So Alex Jones, tell us about yourself. What do you think of Alex Jones' film work? In particular, do you think that "Faster, Harder, Longer, Whistle!" could ever be adapted to the stage?
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Post #2 by senate » Thu Mar 07, 2013 8:45 pm

Well, looks like Alex Jones is busy writing "Phil & Jill & Jill & Phil 2: Electric Boogaloo", in which Phil, Jill, Jill, and Phil struggle to stop the demolition their local community recreation center by entering a break dance competition.

Anyways, next up he have "Alexmo89", who, I shit you not, named him or herself after Alexander Mogilny. And this name wasn't picked in 1995, when Mogilny was relevant, but in 2008, two years after Mogliny's retirement.

There is probably other stuff I can say about him, but I really want to get to the bottom of the Alexander Mogliny thing.

So, Alexmo89, tell us about yourself. Alexander Mogilny? Really? I mean really?
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Post #3 by AD » Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:02 am

I like Alexander Mogilny.

Please stop insulting my alts. :colbert:
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Post #4 by senate » Fri Mar 08, 2013 12:30 pm

Well, looks like no Alexmog89. Given that his self-esteem was so low that he named himself after Alexander Mogliny, it's safe to say that he killed himself years ago.

Anyways, next up we have "Alfreswede". I knew Alfreswede. He was my friend. I will tell you his story, but it's long so here are the Coles notes:

In the summer of 1922, I moved from Gloucester to work as a bond salesman in New York. I rented a house in West Egg, a suburb of New York on Long Island full of the “new rich” who have made their fortunes too recently to have built strong social connections. I graduated from Yale and has connections in East Egg, a town where the people with social connections and “old” money lived. One night I drived to East Egg to have dinner with my cousin, Ms_Nyquil and her husband Nyquil, a classmate of mine at Yale. There, I met 19cents, a beautiful and cynical professional golfer. 19Cents told me that Nquil was having an affair. Upon returning home from dinner, I saw my mysterious neighbor ALFRESWEDE holding out his arms toward the Long Island Sound. I looked out across the water, but saw only a GREEN LIGHT blinking at the end of a dock on the far shore.

A few days later, Nyquil invited me to a party in New York City. On the way, Nyquil picked up his mistress, Moz, the wife Office Glen, the owner of an auto shop an industrial area between West Egg and New York City called the VALLEY OF ASHES. At the party, Moz got drunk and made fun of Ms_Nyquil. Nyquil punched her and broke her nose.

The next night I attended one of Alfreswede’s extravagant Saturday night parties. I ran into 19cents there, and met Alfreswede for the first time. Alfreswede privately told 19cents a story she described as the most “amazing thing.” After going to lunch with Alfreswede and a shady business partner of Alfreswede’s named mayoradamwest, I mets with 19cents and learned the “amazing” story: Alfreswede met and fell in love with Ms_Nyquil before World War I, and bought his West Egg mansion just to be near her and impress her. At Alfreswede’s request, I arranged a meeting between Alfreswede and Ms_Nyquil. The two soon rediscovered their love.

Later in the summer, Ms_Nyquil invited me and Alfreswede to lunch with her, Nyquil, and 19cents. During the lunch, Nyquil realized that Ms_Nyquil and Alfreswede were having an affair. He insisted we all go to New York City. As soon as we gathered at the Plaza Hotel, though, Nyquil and Alfreswede got into an argument about Ms_Nquil. Alfreswede told Nyquil that Ms_Nyquil never loved Nyquil and had only ever loved him. But Ms_Nyquil could only admit that she loved them both, leaving Alfreswede stunned. Nyquil then revealed that Alfreswede made his fortune by bootlegging alcohol and other illegal means. Nyquil then dismissively told Ms_Nyquil to go home with Alfreswede, since he knew Alfreswede won’t “bother” her anymore. They left in Alfreswede’s car, while me, Nyquil, and 19cents followed sometime later. As we drove home, we came upon an accident: Moz had been hit and killed by a car. Nyquil realized that it must have been Alfreswede’s car that struck Moz, and he cursed Alfreswede as a coward for driving off. But I learned from Alfreswede later that night that Ms_Nyquil was actually behind the wheel.

The next afternoon, I had a kind of premonition about Alfreswede so I decided to visit his house. There found him shot to death in his pool. Office Glen’s dead body is a few yards away. Office Glen, distraught, was convinced that the driver of the car yellow car that hit Moz was also her lover.
I organized a funeral, but none of the people who were supposedly Gatsby’s friends came. Only Alfreswede’s father and one other man attended.I ended my relationship with 19cents. I ran into Nyquil soon after, and learned that Nyquil told Office Glen that Alfreswede ran over Moz. I didn’t tell Nyquil that Ms_Nyquil was really at the wheel.

Disgusted with the corrupt emptiness of life on the East Coast, I moved back to Gloucester. But the night before I left I walked down to Gatsby’s beach and looked out over Long Island Sound. I thought about Alfreswede, and compared him to the first settlers to America. Like Alfreswede, all people must move forward with their arms outstretched toward the future, like boats traveling upstream against the current of the past.
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Post #5 by senate » Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:09 pm

First of all, to break up the walls of texts on this thread, here is a gratuitousness picture of Mary Elizabeth Winstead:

Image


Well, it looks like Alfreswede is like the American Dream, forgotten. The gilded age for hockey discussion is gone forever.

Anyways, next up we have "All-Star". You may remember All-Star from the Habs board, where he or she was known as that one guy (or girl - or since it is Montreal, transsexual) with the Skeletor avatar. Skeletor was a villain, so I was never sure what the intended message of that avatar was supposed to be. Was All-Star trying to say that the Canadiens were "cool" or "badass" like Skeletor was seen by children in the 80s and is currently seen today by those losers that put Decepticon decals on their Mazdas and Subarus? Or was All-Star saying that, like Skeletor, the Canadiens and their fans are perennial losers best remembered for their shrill, whining?

Only All-star knows for sure.

But will he or she tell us? It seems that, despite what we've heard from Smashmouth, being an All-Star is not all it is cracked up to be. For his or her subtitle, All-Star wrote "I hate my job". The pressures of being an All-Star were apparently too much for All-Star and he or she lost the drive to post over a year ago. Unfortunately, All-Star's sudden disappearance upset the balance of power on the Habs board causing the Great Schism (or "La Super-Schisme") that lead to Leon Trotsky-like exile of Beaker and a failed attempt to build a windmill that cost many Hab posters their lives. But that's a another story for another time.

So, All-Star, tell us about yourself. What is the deal with the Skeletor avatar? Was it meant to say that the Habs board was He-Man and the Master of the Universe and you were Skeletor, a lone straight man fighting against a world of homoeroticism? Are you disappointed that you never became HallofFamer? If Beaker was Trotsky, who are Lenin and Stalin?
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Post #6 by Craig » Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:59 am

I still think that windmill was a good idea. Then we wouldn't have to mill all this grain by hand. Think of how much spare time we would have to do other productive things!
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Post #7 by AD » Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:15 am

Craig wrote:I still think that windmill was a good idea. Then we wouldn't have to mill all this grain by hand. Think of how much spare time we would have to do other productive things!


Deviltalk.
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Post #8 by senate » Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:23 pm

Well, looks like All-Star won't be on the ballot this year. See what I did there? God, I'm great. But please, save your rep for the other, less talented posters. Like Herc Man.

Anyways, next up we have "AllanBester". You might know AllanBester from the impressive 14 posts he or she made in less than 24 hours of activity on Hockeybroads. Given that short window of activity, it's surprising to learn that AllanBester was not one of the many spambots which the mods turn a blind eye too in exchange for kickbacks of HTC ChaCha's. Rather, AllanBester was merely another Sens fan that couldn't handle the high octane, sexually rigorous, pressure cooker environment of the Sens board.

Scandalously, AllanBester takes his or her username from a former Maple Leafs goalie, Allan Bester. Yet, for some reason, he or she was still allowed to post on the Sens Board. Just another scathing indictment of the treasonous Sens janitors. How can such mice be allowed lead such lions?

So AllanBester, tell us about you. Do you consider yourself to be a modern day Icarus? Why did you pick Allan Bester? Are you Allan Bester? If you really are Allan Bester, what do you consider your biggest failure: not having the talent to be an NHL starter or not having the character to be a Sens broad?
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Post #9 by senate » Thu Mar 14, 2013 8:40 pm

Well, AllanBester can't slam with the best, so he's jamming with the rest.

Anyways, next up we have "AllFlyer'dUp". AllFyler'dUp, whose username I find intrinsically annoying so I won't be using it again, has been a Broad for all of 22 days. In the Flyers board's official identity theft thread (or IDF) he is a 19 year old, Louisianan living in Philadelphia whose parents don't know who to properly spell the name Caleb. Like all Louisianians his favourite things are crayfish mushed together with peppers, beads, and the 1989 NES classic, The Adventures of Bayou Billy.

Image

So Caleb, tell us about yourself. Or don't. To be frank, you're 19 so the only be who care about you or your opinion are other 19 year olds and whatever the gay equivalent of a cougar are.

We should probably remember that gay cougar terminology question for when Zamboner comes up.
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Post #10 by Craig » Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:11 am

There is something very wrong with Billy's neck.
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Post #11 by senate » Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:35 pm

Well, looks like no Caleb. Good.

Anyways, next up we have "alx8888". Alx8888 has never posted on Hockeybroads and has only signed into his or her account once, on October 20, 2012.

So, what is alx8888? Another human sacrifice to the Lovecraftian gods of Hockeybroads? A bot? An alt account created to stuff the ballot in the Broad of the Year election? A spirit from the ancient Indian burial ground under the Broads server farm in New Delhi? A time traveler from the future who is going to use Hockeybroads to send messages to the future just like Bruce Willis used that answering machine for that dry cleaners in 12 Monkeys?

Image

No, the time traveler account is "The Count of Montefusco". In the future, chronospheres are the playthings of the landed gentry. You can thank season 5 of Downton Abbey for that.

Alas, alx8888 is merely another one of the many fake or "shell" posters created by mods for tax purposes. It's one the many loopholes in the Indian tax system that convinced the mods to base the servers there. Fun fact, "Broad" is hindi for dependent. "Cockfag" is the same but in sanskrit.

So, if there any Indian tax attorneys or accountants to explain how that works please do. Or if you are a member of the Indian Department of Revenue and you have a question you'd like to ask the mods about their last filing, feel free to ask that here too.
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Post #12 by senate » Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:22 pm

Well, looks like no one wants to explain Hockeybroads' Double India arrangement.

Anyways, next up we have "Amateur Hour". On the surface, Amateur Hour seems like a pretty nondescript Broad. He or she was active for five days, made 4 posts, and then found someplace better on the internet to spend his or her time. If he or she is like a certain former Sens Broad those places are Reddit's Gone Wild and Myfreecams.com. Pretty standard stuff.

Or is it?

At 11:32 PM on July 17th, 2011, GR repped a post made by Amateur Hour on the thread, "Flyers Broads: Feeding Lamia, Phase Two". Whatever that post was, it was either so incredible, so game changing, that the Janitors censored it, locking it behind a password, fearful that it would change everything. That post was the internet hockey discussion forum singularity.

So Amateur Hour, tell us about yourself. Tell us what you said. Information wants to be free.
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Post #13 by senate » Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:41 pm

Well, looks like Amateur Hour isn't going to talk to us. Bush league move, Amateur Hour, really unprofessional.

Anyways, next up we have "amylee". Amylee is a rarity in Hockeybroads and not for the gender reason you are thinking. She joined October 24, 2011 and visiting the site up until August 11, 2012. That means that Amylee is a lurker who actually went to the trouble to make an account. Why would a lurker bother to do that? HOT NORTHERN EUROPE ACTION that's why.

But who is Amylee? There are three possibilities.

1) Some random Asian girl whose parents attempted to assimilate by given their daughter a Western name.

2) Former Quebecker porn starlet Sweet Amy Lee, who after retiring from porn no longer has anything better to do with her time but to lurk on a mediocre internet forum. She dropped the nickname "Sweet" because she no longer considers herself sweet after all of the unspeakable (but filmable) things she did as a porn actor. Terrible things like having sex with other Quebeckers.

3) Lead singer of Evanescence, Amy Lee. Since Caleb and Bytownboozer are too young to remember them, they had a big hit in 2003 with the emo classic, "Bring Me To Life". If you had went to pub karoke night from 2003 to 2008, you would have been able to see half a dozen women with poorly dyed black hair, wearing thick brimmed glasses, studded wristlets, and black tank tops short enough to revel butterfly tramp stamps, sing that. Anyhow, amylee could be Amy Lee because really, what the fuck else could Amy Lee have going on? A new Evanescence world tour or Best Of CD set?

So amylee, tell us about yourself. Specifically, depending on who you are:

1) Do feel that have an English sounding first name really help you fit in with your non-Asian peers? Or do you feel that globalization and an increasingly post-racial world made your parents decision moot?

2) Were there long term consequences to your sphincter for your work in the porn industry? Whatever happened to Shelby Belle?

3) Are you aware that a child born at the height of your fame would be nearly 10 years old today? How did you always look like you were somehow wearing both too much and too little makeup at the same town?
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Post #14 by AD » Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:59 pm

"mediocre"?

You're on thin ice, Senate.
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Post #15 by senate » Wed Mar 20, 2013 11:31 pm

Banana wrote:"mediocre"?


QED:

The Bytown Boozer wrote:Some Leafs fans around here happen to think that Evanescence is still cool


Well, looks like you all scared amylee with your interruptions. Getting burnout porn starlets, hasbeen signers, or women of East Asian descent to talk to you is like fishing, if you make any sudden movements you'll scare them away.

Anyways, next up we have "anarmandaleb". You may remember anarmandaleb as that female poster that all the lonely male Broads used to flirt with. Basically she was the original version of Mrs Bugg or Pancakes. She even has her own smilie :ana: .

Fun fact: anarmandale and I, coincidentally, joined Hockeybroads on the same day, November 17, 2008.

Yet, I don't have my own smilie. I have 23 more months of activity than she had yet she still has 2,489 more posts than me. It really makes me wonder about what I've done with my life. Is this where I thought I’d be five years ago? Posting on a St Louis Blues board?

Actually yes, it is. I have very low self-esteem. I have a Zoloft prescription to treat it, but I don’t take it because it interferes with my Thorazine and Haldol.

So, anarmandaleb is gone. Gone and never coming back. That's what all women will do to you, remember that Caleb. Never give them your heart, only lend it. Anyhow, anarmandaleb was probably "expunged" in one of the many purges that followed La Super-Schisme or something. I’m sure one of the Hab posters will tell us about it after they talk about that one time they totally fucked her, like for real dude.
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Post #16 by IcE ColD » Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:07 am

Ana was never "purged". She merely got in bed with Twitter and never came back.
This whole idea that we are even important is a fucking illusion. We’re just an accident left to our own devices.

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Post #17 by AD » Thu Mar 21, 2013 2:35 pm

I totally fucked her. Threesome with my wife. Like, for real dude.
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Post #18 by Germz » Thu Mar 21, 2013 6:53 pm

I never knew anarmandaleb but you're right, senate, she was totally a thing.

I think the banana loves you more than he ever loved her, though. More than her arm half, anyway.
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Post #19 by AD » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:01 am

I love each and every one of you in a special unique individual way.
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Post #20 by Craig » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:03 am

Shut up, naners.
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Post #21 by AD » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:03 am

By "you" I mean Senate, Chezz, TBB and Germz.

The rest of these fuckers can go to hell. Especially MAW.
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Post #22 by AD » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:03 am

Craig wrote:Shut up, naners.


Well that ruins my post...
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Post #23 by Craig » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:03 am

Banana wrote:Well that ruins my post...


Yeah, but it totally made mine.
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Post #24 by Craig » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:04 am

If I post something that ruins your flow, just delete it. That's what the shiny buttons are for.
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Post #25 by AD » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:05 am

Craig wrote:If I post something that ruins your flow, just delete it. That's what the shiny buttons are for.


I am not a corrupt power-abuser like SOME janitors around here, Craig.
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Post #26 by Craig » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:08 am

Banana wrote:I am not a corrupt power-abuser like SOME janitors around here, Craig.


Good point, you're one of the benevolent overlords here. Never change, 'naners... we love you.
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Post #27 by senate » Sun Mar 24, 2013 7:22 pm

Well, looks like anarmandale is cuckolding Hokceybroads by posting on some other website.

Anyways, next up we have andyGILL. If you are like me, when you see that username you think to yourself, "Why would someone name themselves after a pylon?" But no, that's HAL Gill we're thinking of. Andy Gill was apparently the guitarist for the band Group of Four, an "influential" late-seventies, British post-pock rock band. Yeah, I've never heard of him either. I only listen to early to mid-2000 Japanese funk pop.

[YOUTUBE]sOErsvgUK58[/YOUTUBE]

Anyhow, andyGILL joined Hockeybroads on April 7, 2007. He or she made three posts, but since those were all made before May 22, 2007, those records are lost to us. Like the neanderthal, we know that andyGILL existed, but how he or she lived, what he or she thought, and who he or she interbred with is a mystery thanks to some unknown cataclysm. Although if andyGILL was anything like his or her name sake, we can imagine that his or her three posts were all high quality like this:

[quote="@andygangof4"]When you realise the toilet is plugged into the mains you know you’]

So andyGILL, tell us about 2007. What was Hockeybroads.com like before the white man came? Did you really use all the pieces of the buffalo? Could you really paint with all of colours of the wind?
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Post #28 by IcE ColD » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:54 am

Craig wrote:Good point, you're one of the benevolent overlords here. Never change, 'naners... we love you.


susf, good one.
This whole idea that we are even important is a fucking illusion. We’re just an accident left to our own devices.

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Post #29 by AD » Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:10 pm

Yeah... FUCK his extended family I say!
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Post #30 by senate » Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:06 pm

Well, President Francois Bozize has fled Bangui and the Central African Republic is free from democracy.

Anyways, next up we have "AngleofmyDangle". You may remember AngleofmyDangle as one of those generic posters with a sexualized username and an avatar of Jessica Alba. This was back in the days when Jessica Alba was a sex idol and not a random actress in a Windows phone commercial. It's a shame that she peaked before gifs exploded. She would have made gifs almost as sexy as Mary Elizabeth Winstead having drunken sex with Jessie from Breaking Bad.

Image
Image
Image
Image

Of course, AngleOfMyDangle is no slouch either. Check of these pecks:

Image

If I wasn't on so much Thorazine that would make me hard.

Anyhow, AngleofmyDangle made seven posts from 7:49 AM to 8:51 AM EDT on May 10, 2010. So, he was either a wired junkie who could sleep or one of those blights of humanity that call themselves morning people. Hopefully the former. Also, he was also either illiterate or dyslexic:

AngleOfMyDangle wrote:ppl whined abt Kos saying that, isnt it good 4 the nhl when non nhlers talk abt the sport where lots of people will be watching?


He also had the intellectual bravery to name himself after the placement of a penis and then accuse other Broads of being homosexuals.

AngleOfMyDangle wrote:no 1 will find out abt your love for black cocks, its ok my friend.


Take that kmad. He called you gay AND a race traitor. BURN.

So, AngleOfMyDangle, tell us about yourself. Did Hooked On Phonics work for you? Am I dating myself by making a Hooked On Phonics reference? What's that AngleMyDangle, I would rather be dating a black cock? ICE BURN
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Post #31 by senate » Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:01 pm

Well, looks like AngleOfMyDangle iz 2 leet 4 us. He not 2legit 2 quit heyhey.

Anyways, next up we have "angry nibbet". You may remember him as nibblet, except except angrier. It was February 2012 and everyone was excited for the new Avengers movie coming out in April. But no one was more excited than Nibblet. In honour of the movie, nibblet created a new alter ego or "alt" account, angry nibblet, as homage to his favourite Avenger, the Incredible Hulk. The idea was that when Nibblet (Bruce Banner, or David Banner if you watched the Bill Bixby TV show) would read a post that made him angry, he would turn into angry nibblet (the Hulk) and "smash" the thread with vitriol fueled razor sharp wit. Unfortunately, it was all a little too high concept and never really came together on the page, resulting in Nibblet's second of four suicide attempts in 2012.

So angry nibblet, SMASH PUNY THREAD WITH INSIGHT INTO HOW YOU GET INTO HEAD SPACE FOR CHARACTER. Also, do you think that Red Hulk is stronger than the regular Hulk? And since the angry nibblet character is too thin and poorly fleshed out to carry a decent discussion, who do you think is the prettier Canadian anchor: Reshmi Nair of CBC Newsworld, Kate Beirness of TSN, or Briana McIvor of EP Daily?
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Post #32 by VLoo » Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:31 pm

If angry nibs wouldn't hulk smash the baroness, then he's a horrible alter ego.
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Post #33 by senate » Sat Mar 30, 2013 12:28 am

Well, it looks like angry nibblet is gone until the Avengers 2 comes out and regular Nibblet is busy masturbating to the fantasy of Reshmi Nair having sex with Kate Beirness while Briana McIvor watches.

Anyways, next up we have “Angrychair”. You may remember angrychair as that some random, generic Habs poster that vaguely sounds familiar but you can’t actually remember. You're wrong. You’re thinking of some other guy. Angrychair was the guy who really hated the disabled. He took his username from his anger at people in wheelchairs. Most of his posts were related to how wheelchair ramps ruined architecture, those annoying electric scooters that Walmart has for their disabled shoppers but are really only used by fat people, and the Americans With Disability’s Act. That last thing was really odd because he lived in Quebec.

The irony is that Angrychair is a marathon runner. Right now, you are probably thinking, “Senate, that wasn’t ironic at all. Do you even know what that word means?” Well, the irony I was referring to was the ironic misuse of the word irony. I was being meta. Do you even know what that word means? Punk ass bitch.

Anyhow, it’s a well known fact that more someone runs, the worse a human being they are. If someone runs 5km (or 2.7 nautical miles for you Americans), then they leave their cell phone on in movie theatres. If someone runs 10km (or 49.8 furlongs for you Americans), then they have committed felonies or speak one of the Latin languages (excluding Romansh). If someone runs half marathons (or 72/144 marathon for you Americans), they own a Nickelback album. People who run full marathons are the reason the holocaust happened. Literally. The Nazi Party was originally started as the Munich Fun Run Club. They used to meet at beer halls to carboload. Look it up if you don't believe me. Every other marathoner runner has the same capacity of evil. Ever notice how the number of missing people in Boston goes up right before the Boston Marathon? Despite my many letters neither has the FBI.

Anyways, the point that I am trying to make is that Angrychair was a Nazi, a serial killer, and a Nickelback fan and the Habs board knowingly harbored him.

So Angrychair, tell us about yourself and you thoughts on barefoot running.
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Post #34 by senate » Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:18 pm

Well, it looks like no Angrychair. For those of you who never got to meet him, he's pretty Scott Thompson's character here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmMCbsaiuNQ&t=1m53s

I would have preferred to have embed that directly onto this post, but the youtube wraps don't recognize time codes and vbulletin doesn't seem to recognize full youtube embed codes. Conclusion: it's easy for me to just post it as a link and for you to go fuck yourself. Nonetheless, here is a superfluous Mary Elizabeth Winstead youtube video to make it up to you.

[video=youtube;-sZ_x9p7RU8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-sZ_x9p7RU8[/video]

Anyways, next up we have "Animal". Animal was active for 8 months in 2010 and he posted a whole 5 times. Of those five posts, none were remotely interesting. This one sort of was:

Animal wrote:Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Shit cunt ass motherfucking fuck fucker. Fucking shit god fucking damn it. fuck... that sucks.


But really, most posts on Hockeybroads are tamer than that.

So, what do we know about Animal then? Well, we know his name was Animal and we know that he served in the military.

Animal wrote:I was here before - went away with the military [... yada yada yada ... a bunch of boring jokes that fall flat ... blah blah blah]


From that, we can infer that during Animals service that he committed acts so heinous that he no longer considers himself a man, but an animal. What were those acts? War crimes? Crimes against humanity? Run-of-the-mill-naval sodomy? Good question, let's ask him.

So Animal, tell us about yourself. Are you a war criminal, a whatever a crimes against humanity doer is called (a humanity criminal?), or is your anus a penis parking lot?
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Post #35 by senate » Wed Apr 03, 2013 9:01 pm

Well, looks like Animal is to busy watching his Manimal DVD to talk to us. Do you know that the Manimal DVD boxset isn't available in NTSC format? Please help me in rectifying this injustice almost as big as Animal's rape and murder of Afghan civilians by mailing 20th Century Fox at:

[INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]"Where the Fuck is My Manimal DVD"
P.O. Box 900,
Beverly Hills, California 90213
USA
[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]
Anyways, next up we have "Antidote". You may remember Antidote as a Oilers Broad. You may remember Oilers broad, those used to exist. Now they don't for two reasons:

1) Hockeybroads.com introduced a skill testing question for new applicants (5 x 4 - 7 + 2 ÷ 3). This was the intellectual equivalent of a head tax, but instead of keeping Chinese immigrants out it keeps out Albertans, Maritimers, and Southern Ontarians.

2) On September 15, 2011, Antidote went on a stabbing spree, murdering every Oilers' Broad he could find. Then he PMed mayoradamwest, who at that time went by the username, aldermanburtward, saying "The Oilers board was the disease, I am the ANTIDOTE." This statement made no sense because diseases don't have antidotes, poisons do. Maybe he was embarrassing himself as an homage to how the Edmonton Oiler franchise embarrasses itself, its fans, its history, and the city of Edmonton everyday? We will never know because after sending that PM he then killed himself by drinking tailing pond water.


So, in honor of Antidote and his victims, let's share our memories of that period of time when the Oilers weren't a laughing stock, the 1980s. Does any remember that show Manimal? Remember when he became a dolphin to stop those Russian spies? That was awesome.
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Post #36 by VLoo » Wed Apr 03, 2013 9:17 pm

senate wrote:Well, looks like Animal is to busy watching his Manimal DVD to talk to us. Do you know that the Manimal DVD boxset isn't available in NTSC format? Please help me in rectifying this injustice almost as big as Animal's rape and murder of Afghan civilians by mailing 20th Century Fox at:

[INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]"Where the Fuck is My Manimal DVD"
P.O. Box 900,
Beverly Hills, California 90213
USA
[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]
Anyways, next up we have "Antidote". You may remember Antidote as a Oilers Broad. You may remember Oilers broad, those used to exist. Now they don't for two reasons:

1) Hockeybroads.com introduced a skill testing question for new applicants (5 x 4 - 7 + 2 ÷ 3). This was the intellectual equivalent of a head tax, but instead of keeping Chinese immigrants out it keeps out Albertans, Maritimers, and Southern Ontarians.

2) On September 15, 2011, Antidote went on a stabbing spree, murdering every Oilers' Broad he could find. Then he PMed mayoradamwest, who at that time went by the username, aldermanburtward, saying "The Oilers board was the disease, I am the ANTIDOTE." This statement made no sense because diseases don't have antidotes, poisons do. Maybe he was embarrassing himself as an homage to how the Edmonton Oiler franchise embarrasses itself, its fans, its history, and the city of Edmonton everyday? We will never know because after sending that PM he then killed himself by drinking tailing pond water.


So, in honor of Antidote and his victims, let's share our memories of that period of time when the Oilers weren't a laughing stock, the 1980s. Does any remember that show Manimal? Remember when he became a dolphin to stop those Russian spies? That was awesome.


I'm a Southern Ontarion and you can't make an equation's answer "Canadian Gem Peter Mansbridge" and expect to keep Maritimers out of the broad.
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Post #37 by VLoo » Wed Apr 03, 2013 10:54 pm

Banjo MacGyver wrote: :colbert:


What? I'm not wrong.
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Post #38 by senate » Sun Apr 07, 2013 3:12 pm

Well, looks like Antidote is still locked up at the Canadian Forces Service Prison and Detention Barracks in CFB Edmonton.

Anyways, next up we have "anton81". You might know anton81 as the Anaheim writer for The Hockey Writers, a website I am sure that you are all sure to read everyday. You might also know know anton81 from the Leafs board, where he posts instead of the Ducks board. Emilo Estevez must be turning in his shallow, side of the interstate grave at that slight.

Anyhow, anton81 actually meant his username to be "anon81", as a reference to his membership to the internet message board 4chan. In case you are new to the internet or just plain old, the word "anon", short for anonymous, is the term which 4chan members refer to each other as. Being a professional writer and an anon, anton81 played a key role in creation of the 4chan visual novel, "Katawa Shoujo".

In the disturbingly popular Katawa Shoujo, which means "Cripple Girls" in English, you play the role of Hisao, a transfer student to a Japanese high school of the physically disabled, in his quest to rebuild his life and find love. With choose-your-own-adventure like decisions, you have to choose between romantically pursuing:

the blind girl;

Image

the deaf mute;

Image

the burn vicitm;

Image

the girl with no legs;

Image

or the girl with no arms;

Image

and then have softcore sex with them, hence why the game was made by 4chan and is so popular on reddit and kotuku. It's essentially 50 Shades of Grey for neckbeard Japa-philes.

So anton81, tell us about yourself. Why don't you post on the Ducks board? Do you enjoy writing for The Hockey Writers as much as you enjoyed writing for Katawa Shoujo? Are you aware that it's not libel if it's satire?
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Post #39 by chicpea » Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:48 am

Not only do I remember Manimal, but I also recall another show in the same year about a fellow who was also a car that could turn at 90 degree angles.
According to local lore, Christ didn't commit any miracles while residing in Japan, but instead was just an extremely pleasant fellow to be around.
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Post #40 by senate » Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:18 pm

Well, looks like anton81 is off helping Anonymous fight whoever Anonymous has picked a fight with this week.

Anyways, next up we have "apice3". Apice3 is a new Broad, having only joined yesterday, April 7. Nonetheless, Apice3 has somehow managed to amass 75 posts. I think I speak for all Broads when I say: Settle the fuck down you fucking spaz.

Other than that, apice3 is a typical noob who says typical noob things.

apice3 wrote:What button is post?


apice3 wrote:How do I sniper?


apice3 wrote:I'll take out the garbage later mom! Because I can't pause! Because I'm posting on the internet! GOD! I want to go live with Dad!


The rest of apice3's posts are just strings of racist slurs, talk about his sexual conquests of middle aged women with adults sons, and transcripts of the sound of him eating chips into an open microphone.

So, apice3 tell us about yourself ... but not until you've been a member for at least a year.
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Post #41 by AD » Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:37 pm

He's at 91 posts now, Senate.

Keep up.
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Post #42 by rod stewart » Tue Apr 09, 2013 4:43 pm

[s]94
98[/s]
112 :stare:
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Post #43 by IcE ColD » Tue Apr 09, 2013 8:02 pm

Whoa, he lost 6 posts between tom's post and mine.
This whole idea that we are even important is a fucking illusion. We’re just an accident left to our own devices.

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Post #44 by AD » Wed Apr 10, 2013 3:26 pm

IcE ColD wrote:Whoa, he lost 6 posts between tom's post and mine.


Or Tom Waits could be a filthy lier who "conveniently" didn't post a screencap to prove the number.
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Post #45 by IcE ColD » Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:10 pm

Banana wrote:Or Tom Waits could be a filthy lier who "conveniently" didn't post a screencap to prove the number.


That's OK, apice3 is now at 150.
This whole idea that we are even important is a fucking illusion. We’re just an accident left to our own devices.

Trent Reznor - 24/07/2018
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Post #46 by senate » Thu Apr 11, 2013 1:16 am

Well, it looks like apice3 is too busy feverishly posting on the Devils’ board to talk to us. If you ever wondered why Vbulletin makes you wait 30 seconds between posting, he’s your answer. Also, congratulations to apice3 for giving off a weirder vibe than an anime game about romancing disabled Japanese high school girls.

Anyways, next up we have “aptar”. You may know aptar from the Canucks board, that part of Hockeybroads that is filled with twincest fan fiction. Aptar is famous on Hockeybroads for his classic threads “I JUST GOT TRIED”, which was a daring indictment of the American legal system, and “Introduce Yourself”, which was a daring theft of my idea for this thread.

[CENTER]Image[/CENTER]

Yet, what I remember aptar for the most was the first time I met him. It was July 1968, after renouncing my commission because my disillusionment over Khe Sanh and My Lai, I had taken a job as a party planner in Martha’s Vineyard. One night, I was hired to organize a party for small reunion of college girls at what was describe to me as a “small cottage”, which really a fairly large and lavish beach house, on the neighboring island of Chappaquiddick. The party was hosted by the 37 year old junior Senator for Massachusetts, aptar. He was a chubby man, loud, with annoying accent, and a head shape like a rotting jack-o’-lantern. I found him to be a fundamentally unlikable man, but other guests at the party told me I should give him the benefit of the doubt because his dead brother was cool.

[CENTER]Image[/CENTER]

Anyhow, aptar was there being drunk and generally dickish until around 11pm, then he tells everyone that he is driving one of the college girls back to her hotel on the Martha’s Vineyard. He made a big deal of telling everyone he was going, I found that a little odd, but I just figured he was being a douchebag and pre-bragging about banging a college girl (this was back in the days when banging a college girl was an accomplishment and not the sexual conquest equivalent of Free Parking in Monopoly as they are today).

[CENTER]Image[/CENTER]

With the Michelin Man gone, everyone starts having a good time and the hours just fly by. Then at around 1am, a soaking wet aptar bursts through the front door and goes immediately to the bar and pours himself a drink. People ask him what happened and he tells them that there was an accident and he drove his car off the bridge. Someone asks him where the girl is and he says she’s still in the car. So me and a couple other guys drag aptar out of the “cottage” and make him take us to bridge.

[CENTER]Image
[/CENTER]

On the ten minute ride there aptar told us his story: He says that he got lost going to the ferry crossing, took the wrong road, and didn’t notice the bridge until it was too late. He managed get himself free after it hit the water, but the girl didn’t. Aptar said that he tried to swim down rescue her, but the car was in too deep. Not knowing what else to do, he walked back to the cottage for help.

[CENTER]Image[/CENTER]

When we got to bridge, we immediately saw the car. It was down too deep to do anything, but the two other guys try anyway. I notice a house few hundred yards away with its lights on, I suggest we go get them to call the police. Aptar refuses. He says he will call the police from his hotel on Martha Vineyard and other two agree that would be the best thing to do. So, we take him back to his hotel and I go back to the cottage to clean up, expecting to hear from the police but they don’t show up until the next morning at around 10am. They had found sunken car themselves and were looking for aptar, who had failed to report it.

[CENTER]Image[/CENTER]

The incident would eventually be declared an accident and aptar pled guilty to leaving the scene of an accident. I, however, have my suspicions. What happened in all that missing time between aptar leaving the party and him returning to the cottage? Why didn’t aptar immediately go for help at the nearby house? Why didn’t he report the accident to the police?
I’ve asked myself those question for the last 45 years every time I think of that night - which, granted, is seldom if ever. I've got a lot of my own shit going on too, you know.

So aptar, tell us about yourself. What happened in all that missing time between leaving the party and returning to the cottage? Why didn’t you get help from that cottage? Why didn’t you call the police? Why didn’t you recommend me to any of your friends for their parties? Are you not aware that the party planning business lives and dies by word of mouth?
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Post #47 by aptar » Thu Apr 11, 2013 1:38 pm

Thank you for the kind introduction and re-telling of that terrible night. As if this place wasn't already heaty enough, let me just say "BOMB", "ALLAH", "JIHAD", "911".

Anyways, do you actually want to know what happened? For real? Ok, let me break it down.

I met this nice young lady, intelligent, gentle, her name was Tammy. And we danced, you guys know I roam the dance floor, and then we left, back to my hotel room, and I lay her down flat on a cardboard box. So we're sitting around cool me and my girl, I fall asleep and wake to the police knocking on my door. They blow it down, one crawls through my window and they rough me up and put me in the back of the car. They take me to the East Detention centre, black up my hands. What am I gonna do, right? I try to use the payphone to call my lover Tammy, I love her from my heart down to my belly, but they make me wait. I'm black and trapped, they smack me in the face, they whipped down my pants and investigated my bottom. They say I stabbed her, drove her into the lake. I know better, I know Banana did, but a licky boom-boom down, aptar won't turn informer.

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