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Post #101 by Craig » Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:58 am

How many more self-named alts has AD made? Can't wait to find out!
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Post #102 by IcE ColD » Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:08 am

Craig wrote:How many more self-named alts has AD made? Can't wait to find out!


You find entertainment in weird things, Craig.
Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

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Post #103 by AD » Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:25 am

Craig wrote:How many more self-named alts has AD made? Can't wait to find out!


I love this thread because its making me remember all those long lost posters we've long lost.
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Post #104 by senate » Sat Jun 08, 2013 10:11 pm

Well, thank you for Ayman’s member for taking a break from stretching your foreskin to post here. Also, thank you to everyone who posted about themselves on the "Who Are You Really?" thread. It's going to be a real time saver for me to able to just cut and paste your entry on here when your username comes up.

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Anyways, next up we have “azarga”. You may recognize Azarga as the brand name for the combination of brinzolamide and timolol used in eye drops to treat ocular hypertension and glaucoma.

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Azarga is one of the many viral marketing accounts used by the pharmaceutical industry to push their products on Broads. That's right, some of your favourite Broads are really corporate shills. They can hard to spot, so let me point out some of them for you.

Valtrex wrote:
Generic Username wrote:but i don't want to go to the doctors until i get my health insurance straightened out.

remember kids, tape up your stick before hitting the ice.

although i'm hoping it's just some bacterial infection since i did start fucking the bint in the street, and it's not all that clean in this city.

pics upon request.


Living with genital herpes doesn't have to be a hassle because now there is Valtrex. When taken at the first sign of an outbreak, Valtrex helps reduce the length and severity of the outbreak so you can get back to doing what matters most to you: Living your life.

Also, stop using the word "bint". It doesn't make you sound cool, it makes you sound fucking retarded.


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ZoloftizGreat wrote:
Banana wrote:No he's right.

(i.e., depression is a serious issue in modern times, but it isn't a serious issue in sports as opposed to anywhere else)


Depression isn't a serious issue anymore thanks to Zoloft! Zoloft makes you feel good about yourself, even though you really have no reason to, so you can get back to doing what matters most to you: Living your life.

Also, Michael Landsberg isn't a man. Not with those tits.


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Little_Annie_Adderall wrote:
HS wrote:I'm bored

So we're gonna invade HFBoards on November 23rd, right?


Boredom is a thing of the past thanks to adderall! Study for finals, clean your basement, build a ship in a bottle, or have a meaningful conversation with your wife or girlfriend. You can get any dull chore done with adderall so you can get back to doing what matters most to you: Living your life.

Or at least whatever for a life for Leaf fans.


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CervarixfanXXX wrote:


Let's face it, if your daughter is anything like her mother or her paternal grandmother, she's going to get around a lot. But you don't have to worry about about human papillomavirus giving her cervical cancer anymore thanks to Cervarix. Cervarix let's your daughter get back to doing what matters most to her: living her life ... and fucking lots of sketchy dudes like Generic Username.


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Ricard_Persson wrote:Neo Citran is a Canadian staple in the winter months Do they have this stuff in the US? I'm positive every Canadian has once tried it to relieve cold and flu symptoms, and everyone probably shares an opinion on it.

How many packets can you drink? Is there an OD level on it? I've had some kind of flu bug since Friday and enough is enough. My "no-puke" streak is still healthy at 19 years and counting, if you're scoring at home. My skin feels numb...it's one of those diseases.


Anyway, has anyone downed the whole box? I got work to do tomorrow so I may brew the entire box.


It's Extra-Fort by the way.



Also, I heard they have new flavours now? That's disappointing. Everyone should be forced to drink that lemon-like formula that is kind of lemon-like, but not really lemon-like, so you can get back to doing what matters to you: Living your life.


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So azarga, tell us about yourself. What do your side effects include? Should I ask my doctor if you are right for me? Should I have gone darker with the HPV quote and used this post instead? Is it weird that the disease that gets referenced the most on Hockeybroads is AIDS? If I use your product, would it be possible for me to go back to doing what matters to me: Living my life?

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Post #105 by senate » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:09 pm

Well, looks like azarga is busy doing what matters most to him: living his life.

Anyways, next up we have "Ba'al Shem". You may remember Ba'al Shem as the West Bank settler of Hockeybroads. He was cartoonishly aggressive. Hell, my words can't do him justice. I'm sorry for another quote chain, but to understand him you have to read him yourself:

Ba'al Shem wrote:Yeah well, I did change about the first thing. I rarely ever did that much nowadays, unless I wanted to make a point.

The sexual puns and jokes, I just can't stop myself, sorry, its hard for me, must be my damn libido. I mean, I had some sexology classes at the U several years back and whatever I said here is pretty tame compared to what I heard in those classes on most days.

And for the third well, I guess I yanked Russ's chain a bit too much, but that is between us. You do actually know I talk to him often on MSN, right? He knows I love yanking his chain and I just hope he didn't take it personally. And as for Fidog... we kinda had a healthy competition going on, nothing more, I like that pooch, always had.

Oh yeah, you forgot to mention my incessant remarks towards McPhee and Clover, but I do think they make a fine couple.


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Ba'al Shem wrote:LOL.... yeah, email me, we'll see.

What do you have in mind, bringing your friends?

Internet warrior... lol... if it makes you feel better to think everybody who talks hard on the net don't have anything solid to put behind it. I'll still be waiting for the email.


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Ba'al Shem wrote:Oh no actually, I just don't back down. I,ve been beaten before by bigger or even smaller guys, I just don't back down from a fight unless they're my friends. That's what I meant. And yes, from the picks I,ve seen, a lot here are small fries.


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Ba'al Shem wrote:LOL... yeah and you acting tough right now makes you what? Why don't you contact me pussy? I'd really like that. That's the difference, I'm offering to prove it. It seems you're all banana, and no huevos.


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Ba'al Shem wrote:Yeah it is, and im always up for a laugh... altho I do like fighting, I mean, the real shit, its fun and liberating.


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Ba'al Shem wrote:Im not trying to act tough, I just wanna really meet some of them, wanna see if they can have as much balls as they think they have doing this over the net, if they'd actually wouldn't back down. Im trying to push hard to make it happen, but no one of them is bitting... anyway


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Ba'al Shem wrote:Hey, not saying you aren't, altho, I did go up against bigger than me and lost many times, especially against one guy, and other times won. I wouldn't say I'm ripped, but Im in pretty good shape, always been very quick and use my wits in a fight and I can take a lot before I fall. Tho one thing... never think a fight is won in advance. i,ve seen fights that I never believed would've finished how they did. Altho my beef isn't with you, im always up for fun.


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So Ba'al Shem, tell us about yourself. Were you so mean to Banana because he was Arab? Also, why are you so angry? Are you a tiny mouse of a man in real life? Or are you a child? Or were you molested as a child? Or is it steroids? Or do you have a micropenis? Or are you just sexually frustrated? Is the sexual frustration because of your micropenis? Tell us. We want to know so that we can laugh at you better.
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Post #106 by AD » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:17 pm

For the record, we patched things up before he left.

And you forgot to mention that he's a Habs fan.
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Post #107 by senate » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:22 pm

Banana wrote:And you forgot to mention that he's a Habs fan.


At this point, it's easier to just mention when a Broad isn't a Habs fan.
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Post #108 by Germz » Fri Jun 14, 2013 3:54 pm

senate wrote:Image


I can't stop watching this.
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Post #109 by senate » Fri Jun 14, 2013 4:24 pm

Well, it looks like Ba'al Shem is too busy masturbating to MMA to threaten to beat me up.

Anyways, next up we have “Babaganuse”. You may remember Babaganuse from the Leafs board, where he or she isn’t a Habs poster. It is very important that you know that. Write it down in case you forget. Anyhow, Babaganuse gets his or her username from baba ghanoush, an eggplant dip from the Middle East. Baba ghanoush is a simple and easy dish to make. All you need is:

  • 3 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
  • 2-3 Tbsp roasted tahini (sesame paste)
  • 1-2 garlic cloves (more or less depending on how garlicky you want your baba ghanouj to be), finely chopped
  • 1 teaspoon ground cumin
  • Juice of one lemon - about 2 1/2 tablespoons
  • Salt and cayenne pepper to taste
  • 1 Tbsp chopped parsley


You will also need two or three globe eggplants. These can often be found in unguarded community or neighborhood gardens.

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After you’ve stolen the eggplants and murdered any witnesses, preheat the oven to 400°F. Poke the eggplants in several places with the tines of a fork. Cut the eggplants in half lengthwise and brush the cut sides lightly with olive oil (about 1 Tbsp). Place them on a baking sheet, cut side down, and roast until very tender, about 35-40 minutes. Remove them from the oven and allow them to cool.

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As the eggplants cool, you will become unstuck in time and be transport to the Roman camp outside the walls of Carthage on the field of Zama, in 202 BC. Roman officers will mistake you for the General Scipio Africanius and expect you to lead the army against Hannibal.

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Organize your army into three groups: Numidian Cavalry on your right flank, Roman Calvary on your left flank, and your infantry in the center. Organize your infantry into three ranks: your hastati in the front, followed by your principes, and your triarii in the rear. Further organize your hastati and principes into “lanes” large enough for elephants to pass through. Be sure to keep your triarii in one solid formation.

The Carthagian elephants will attack your infantry, but seeking the point of least resistance they will funnel into your “lanes”. Have your hastate and principes pepper them with pilums until they die or run away. Next, close the lanes and advance your entire army against Hannibal. After your cavalry defeats the enemy cavalry, have it circle around and flank the rear of Hannibal’s army and finish the battle.

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Now if everything goes smoothly in Zama, you should find yourself in Dresden, Germany in 1945. The exact date can be anywhere from February 13th to the 15th, depending on the size of your eggplants. Regardless, you are going to want to hide in a cellar. Try to avoid stealing any tea pots. You are going to be there for a few weeks. So it goes.

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Next, you are going to end up in 17th century Rotterdam. You are going to be there for several years and unfortunately you don’t have single guilder to your name. What you are going to want to do is to walk around to the rich quarter of the city until you find a garden with some poppies in it.

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Cut off and steal the seed pods. Then bleed the seed pods of the white fluid inside (it will turn brown when exposed to air, don’t worry this is normal) and clump it together into bricks or balls. Throw the balls into some boiling water with some lime (calcium oxide, not the citrus). Let it boil for a few hours. After it cools, scrap the brown goo off the bottom of the pot and let it dry. Then sell it to Dutch traders as a smokable material called “morphine”. You may have to give out some samples at first. Then let the money roll in. Be sure to invest some of it into buying more poppies.

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Eventually you will take a wife, start a family, and forget about the baba ghanoush. Then the day after your wife, Abagail, delivers your fourth son, Jaap, you will wake up in the palace of the mad time god Chronus (not to be confused with the Titan Cronus). Pick up the clock sword to your left and attack Chronus with this pattern: slash, dodge, hack, hack, dodge, dodge. Repeat this three times and Chronus will start flashing red and become faster. Change your pattern to: dodge, hack, slash, dodge, hack. Repeat this pattern three times and Chronus will drop to his knees and offer you any wish your heart desires. Ignore your feelings for the only thing in your life that ever made you happy, your 15th century Dutch family, and wish to be able to finish your baba ghanoush.

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Scoop the eggplant flesh into a large bowl and mash well with a fork. Combine the eggplant, minced garlic, remaining olive oil (about 2 Tbsp), tahini, garlic, cumin, 2 Tbsp of the lemon juice, the salt, and a pinch of cayenne. Mash well. You want the mixture to be somewhat smooth but still retaining some of the eggplant's texture.

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Allow the baba ghanouj to cool to room temperature, then season to taste with additional lemon juice, salt, and cayenne. If you want, swirl a little olive oil on the top and cry a little about how much you miss Abagail. You'll never hear her voice or feel her touch again. In time you won't even remember her face, no matter how hard you try. And you'll try so very hard. Sprinkle the dish with fresh chopped parsley.

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Serve it with pita bread, crackers, toast, sliced baguette, celery, or cucumber slices.

So Babaganuse, tell us about yourself. What’s your favorite recipe for baba ghanoush? Do you like hummus? I have a great hummus recipe where you get to be a 17th Century pirate, be briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s, and invent the lute.
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Post #110 by AD » Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:36 am

For the record (because I know some are keeping track). This was his best one yet.
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Post #111 by senate » Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:15 pm

Well, it looks like Babaganuse cut the eggplant crosswise instead of lengthwise and long story short, the train wasn’t able to push the DeLoren up to 88mph and he or she is still stuck in 1885. But don’t let that put any of you off cooking, mishaps like that happen. It’s part of the culinary adventure.

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Anyways, next up we have "Baby Bourke". Another non-Hab Broad. For any of Brian Burke’s lawyers out there, Baby Bourke wasn’t making fun of Mr. Burke’s alleged fidelity, his alleged intelligence, or his alleged number of chromosome 21. The username is actually a reference to the Bourke’s parrot, Hockeybroads’ official favourite species of genus Neopsephotus.

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As any Leaf’s Broad or summer law clerk knows, Baby Bourke is Transplanted Caper’s pet bird, Felix Potvin. Bourke’s parrots can live 20 years in captivity so that name made sense at the time, but even the bird doesn’t like it so it posts under the username Baby Bourke (it was a chick when it first started posting).

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No doubt there is some anal wannabe ornithologist thinking right now “This can’t possibly be true, Bourke’s parrot aren’t capable of speech.” You’re right. They can’t. But posting on a message board doesn’t involving talking, it involves typing. Jackass.

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Anyhow, Baby Bourke is one of only twelve birds that post on Hockeybroads. Like the other bird posters, such as Sudden_Death, Baby Bourke only posts when he is trying to score crackers.

Baby Bourke wrote:U doeznt evEn noes abootz Flyars. How u noewz abOOt Laaefs? Iz WaANt craekr


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For those of you unfamiliar with the Leafs Board, Baby Bourke has remarkably good grammar for other there. He can go entire sentences without spelling a word with a number or symbol.

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So Baby Bourke, tell us about yourself. Are you pining for the fjords? The quality of my posts sure is uneven isn't it? Is this the worst one I've ever done? Is it still more effort than went into your joke alt? I'm in trouble when I run out of Mary Elizabeth pictures and gifs aren't I?

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Post #112 by senate » Mon Jun 24, 2013 2:46 pm

Well, looks like Baby Bourke was either off-put by the quality of the last post or by the Mary Elizabeth Winstead over-saturation that has developed in this thread. I should probably reel that in.

Anyways, next up we have “Babych.” You may remember Babych as a Canucks Broad, but to me he will always be that young girl I met 50 years ago.

It was the summer of 1963, I was the owner of a luxurious summer resort in the Catskill Mountains. I won the title to the property from Herman Wouk in a roshambo tournament at a Bohemian Grove orgy the year before. My personal physician at the time was Jerry Orbach. He didn’t want the job. He kept insisting that he was an actor not a doctor and I kept insisting that would be a moot point if he took a method approach to the role. I guess I won because he kept cashing the pay cheques. Anyhow, he spent the summer at my resort. I thought that his character should have a family, so I “cast”, i.e. abducted from the streets of Utica, a seventeen year old boy, Frances “Babych” Houseman, to play his daughter.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]

Babych developed a crush on the resort's dance instructor and leader of the working-class entertainment staff, SopelFan. While carrying a watermelon for SopelFan’s cousin, Machine of Loving Grace, Babych was invited to one of the staff's secret after-hours parties and observed the "dirty dancing" (i.e., the Mambo) for the first time. Babych was intrigued by the sexy dancing, and received a brief, impromptu lesson from SopelFan. Later, Babych discovers that SopelFan's dance partner, pam19, was pregnant by Roger Sterling, a womanizing waiter. Babych learned that Roger Sterling planned to do nothing about the pregnancy (like a typical Pittsburgh fan, he said "some people count, some people don't"), so Babych secured the money from Jerry Orbach to pay for pam19's illegal abortion. Seeking to help more, Babych also became pam19's substitute for an important some dance contest thing or something. To be honest I never understood what they were training for, there didn't seem to be any trophy or money on the line, but whatever it was they had to train a lot together in order for Babych to learn the routine.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]

As SopelFan taught Babych to dance, tempers flared and a romance began to develop. Their dance contest thingy went reasonably well, though Babych was too nervous to accomplish the dance's climactic lift.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]

After finishing the dance thingy, the pair learned that pam19’s backstreet abortion was botched, leaving her in agonizing pain. Babych brings Jerry Orbach to help, not realizing that he wasn’t a doctor. Luckily Jerry Orbach improved his way through it, but he ended up thinking that pam19 was knocked up with SopelFan’s baby. So he forbad Babych from having anything to do with SopelFan ever again – because that is what he thinks his character would do. Babych, however, defied him and snuck out to visit SopelFan in his room that same night, where they consummated their blossoming romance with some intimate dancing.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]

One day SopelFan was accused of stealing a wallet from one of the resort guests . To save SopelFan from being fired, Babych confessed that SopelFan could not have been responsible, as they were in his cabin together when it happened . SopelFan was cleared of the theft but I fired him anyways because resort policy is that only female staff was allowed to sleep with guests.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]


At the final talent show of the season (apparently I was super into talent shows back then, I eventually got sick of them when I guest hosted Star Search in 1986), to everyone's surprise SopelFan returned to the resort to perform the final dance of the season with Babych. Criticizing Jerry Orbach for his choice of Babych's seat at the table, SopelFan declared, "Nobody puts Babych in a corner," and pulled her up from their table. Then he and Baby dazzled the audience with a stunning dance performance to the song "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" ending with Babych doing the lift successfully for the first time.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]


For some reason this made everyone cheer and also start dancing. The staff and rich guests even started dancing together. It was 1963 and this struck me as a little communist-ish so I burned the resort to the ground later that night. Babych and SopelFan running away together to Vancouver. Jerry Orbach returned to the acting where he played a series of minor roles until landing his iconic role as Detective Lenny Brisco in Law & Order in 1991. I used my insurance money from the resort fire to buy a bee farm outside Sao Paulo, Brazil where I would go on to inter-breed European and African bees. But that is a whole other story. It’s pretty cool though. It involves flame throwers.

[YOUTUBE]eMoMBFhMdDw[/YOUTUBE]


So Babych, tell us about yourself. In hindsight was the summer of 1963 really the time of your life? How did you dance to The Time of My Life in 1963 if it wasn’t recorded until 1987? Does it involve avsfan3713? Why does no one mambo anymore? Did Lou Vega kill it?
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Post #113 by Craig » Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:43 am

That was a long fucking way to go for the bolded joke.
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Post #114 by VLoo » Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:14 am

Craig wrote:That was a long fucking way to go for the bolded joke.


But my God was it worth it.
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Post #115 by senate » Tue Jun 25, 2013 7:50 pm

Craig wrote:That was a long fucking way to go for the bolded joke.


It was something unpredictable, but in the end was right. I hope you had the time of your life.

... Wait, that's not right.
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Post #116 by senate » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:41 pm

Well, prepare to be disappointed as I don't live up to the hype and it also looks like Babych can't talk to us because he died of pancreatic cancer.

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Anyways, next up we have “backdoorpass”. He is a Sens poster, or as people in the business call it: a postie. Curiously his username isn’t a euphemism for anal sex. While is a shame because if it was anal sex euphemism it would be delightfully ambiguous. Would it mean that backdoorpass has a pass to use someone else’s ass or could it mean that someone (or perhaps everyone) has a pass to bugger backdoorpass? It is questions like that keep me up at night.

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Alas, backdoorpass is merely the son of the Assistant General Manager of the Ottawa Senators, Tim Murray. Caleb is probably too young to remember this, but back in the late oughts – as RTWAP has mandated that all Sens Broads call the decade of 2000 to 2010 - hockey “insiders” were all the rage on the Internet, which was then ironically called the Interweb. People thought that a Wiser’s employee, an American garage band drummer, and the husband of a former Miss Pennsylvania were legitimate hockey experts. Sportsnet even had the Miss Pennsylvania guy as an analyst for their deadline show (although I have always suspected they only did that to make Nick Kyperios look more respectable). It was a strange time. I don’t want to blame it all on 9/11 so I will blame it on Hurricane Katrina. When those levees broke, the hockey world changed forever.

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Anyhow, backdoorpass saw the overcrowded market and said me too. He started posting Senators rumours on Hockeyboards. None of them were particularly interesting, but some of them came true so he started gathering a little following. Then he tried to leverage his hockeyboards celebrity by starting a Sens rumour twitter account. Then either his dad found out or was about to and backdoorpass disappeared. After several months he came back to Hokceyboards and some Sensbroads lobbied him to come over to Broads. He made two posts, lost his password, and started a new account as “bdp baby”. Evidently the password reset function was beyond his literacy level. Anyhow, his big accomplishments here were introducing the Sens board to the word “goaler”, never using proper punctuation, and breaking the Peter Regin signing.

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So backdoorpass, tell us about yourself. are you still tim murrays son did you ever learn what a runon sentence is or learn to capitalize words do you have any news about how the jared cowen negotiations are going sorry this one wasnt more zany guys i feel like i let banana and that makes me sad which in turn makes me sexually aroused that arousal has nothing to do with banana it is the result of very disturbed catholic upbringing that taught me that any form of sexual arousal was a mortal sin and that mortal sins were what made the world so a terrible place so every time i got an erection id feel guilty for all those african kids who were going to starve because of it or whatevs anyways long because every time i was turned on i felt guilt my brain started to merge the two feelings so now everytime i feel guilty i feel aroused it makes life very difficult for instance i have to steal money from my girlfriends purse so i can get hard to fuck her that not only makes me feel like a thief it also makes me feel like a whore which makes me cum soooo hard phew it feels really good to get that off my chest anyways you know what this runon sentence could use some g+s i am the very model of a modern major general ive information vegetable animal and mineral i know the kings of england, and iquote the fights historical from marathon to waterloo in order categorical im very well acquainted too with matters mathematical i understand equations both the simple and quadratical about binomial theorem im teeming with a lot o news with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse im very good at integral and differential calculus i know the scientific names of beings animalculous in short in matters vegetable animal and mineral i am the very model of a modern majorgeneral i know our mythic history king arthur's and sir caradocs i answer hard acrostics ive a pretty taste for paradox i quote in elegiacs all the crimes of heliogabalus in conics i can floor peculiarities parabolous i can tell undoubted raphaels from gerard dows and zoffanies i know the croaking chorus from the frogs of aristophanes then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore and whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense pinafore then I can write a washing bill in babylonic cuneiform and tell you evry detail of caractacuss uniform in short, in matters vegetable animal and mineral i am the very model of a modern majorgeneral in fact when I know what is meant by mamelon and ravelin when I can tell at sight a mauser rifle from a javelin, when such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at and when I know precisely what is meant by commissariat when I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery when I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery in short when ive a smattering of elemental strategy youll say a better majorgeneral has never sat a gee for my military knowledge though I'm plucky and adventury has only been brought down to the beginning of the century but still in matters vegetable animal and mineral i am the very model of a modern majorgeneral thats a great song isnt it backdoorpass?

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Post #117 by Craig » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:19 am

So you get money and a great orgasm? What's so bad about that?
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Post #118 by IcE ColD » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:35 am

Craig wrote:So you get money and a great orgasm? What's so bad about that?


I think such stuff is frowned upon in Ottawa.
Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

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Post #119 by AD » Fri Jul 19, 2013 10:57 am

This is a fucking outrage.

Disgrace!

What the hell does a guy have to do to get service around here?
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Post #120 by senate » Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:20 pm

I'm killing time so that your entry can go up during November sweeps. I need the extra ratings.
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Post #121 by AD » Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:39 pm

By that time I could change my name back to AD and you'll be throroughly fucked. The advertisers will go nuts.
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Post #122 by IcE ColD » Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:54 pm

I can't wait for season 17, when this'll finally hit "I" users.

:masturbation:
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Post #123 by senate » Fri Jul 19, 2013 7:13 pm

Well, looks like backdoorpass is off on vacation with Dallas Dave.

Anyways, next up we have “Backlund”. His website is in French so he is either a Hab fan or a race traitor. Backlund posted once to advertise his “Overtime Hockey League”. A sim hockey league for unsatisfied with the declining quality of sim hockey leagues. If you don’t know what sim hockey is, just imagine Dungeons and Dragons but with even less girls and all players are fat failed athletes.

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Nonetheless, I wish Backlund good luck. Unless luck is a zero sum resource, in which case I wish him or her epic disaster. I myself am launching a new hockey pool this fall, so I know how hard it can be to put yourself out there to recruit players like he or she did.

You see in my pool each pool member has a roster 44 players. Of which he or she may choose 29 to start on any giving night.

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So far pretty ordinary right? But here is where things get a little different. Instead of awarding points for mouth-breather stats like “goals” or “points”, this pool has created a patented system (patent pending) hat truly values a player’s contribution to the game.

So to find out the amount of points your player has earned your pool in a game it is just a simple matter of calculating that’s players CORSI and Fenwick for that game. Then translate both of those into a wave function. The CORSI and Fenwick are the frequency (f). Multiply that by the speed of light (c) and you have your wavelength (Λ ;) . Or in other words, Λ = fc.

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Now graph out the waves and measure the distance between the two wavelengths. That number is your radius (r). Cube it and multiply it by 4/3Π. That will give the volume (v) for your sphere in litres.

Now, find the latitude and longitude the game was played at. Multiply the minutes of the latitude and the minutes of the longitude.

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Next we are going to have to calculate the Senate’s Multiple Equation Generated Mean Absolute or SMEGMA.

It’s a simple formula.

For skaters:

Goals² + 1(1st Assists) + ⅝(2nd Assists) x √Time on Ice + -1(plus/minus) – 4/3(Give Aways) + Τ(Take Aways) x 13% of PIMs x PPG/SHG + φψϐGWG + Shots

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For Goalies:

[Saves Made with Talent – (Saves made by luck + Saves made by wearing oversized equipment)] x 0

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Now, assume that your sphere is full of water. Translate that into kilograms and that is your mass (m). Your geographical minute multiple is your friction (μ ;) . Your SMEGMA is your acceleration (a).

Now simply calculate the force and that is your player score for that game.

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It’s that easy. Do all that twenty-nine more times and you have your score for that day. Except Thursdays, where points count double.

Senate’s hockey pool is coming to you in October 2013 for the low price of $99.98!

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So Backlund, tell us about yourself. How is Over Time Hockey going? Are you aware that initials OHL are already taken? What do you think I am charging enough for my pool?

[video=vimeo;37068201]http://vimeo.com/37068201[/video]
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Post #124 by senate » Mon Jul 22, 2013 11:01 pm

Well, it looks like the Overtime Hockey League is such an incredible success that Backlund doesn’t have the time to talk to us. I just hope he finds the time to spend some of the mountains of cash he must be raking in.

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Anyways, next up we have a return to the Habs board with “badboy4life”. You may remember badboy4life as a rebel who played by his (I’m assuming that the “boy” part of his name isn’t ironic; if it is ironic, let me say this to you badboy4life: “Ugh; guys don’t like girls who try to be funny, this is why you aren’t married yet; your parents aren’t getting any younger, pretty soon they will be too old for grandchildren; is that what you want? to break your parents hearts? all I am saying is would it kill you to buy a pretty dress, put on some make-up, and just smile? you'll catch more men with honey than talking; I’m not saying this to hurt you, I just want you to be happy;” ;) own rules. His first post was something about a soccer player not having an Achilles injury and not being French. Boring. His second post, however, was this gem:

badboy4life wrote:None of your business who I am and I didn't realize that there were rules regarding the content of first posts.


What a rebel.

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After that, badboy4life was never seen again. No online forum could hold him. He was a wild one. Like Marlon Brando in that one movie. You know the one that spawned the leather daddy look? I forget its name. I want to say Don Juan DeMarco. Anyhow, alas, bad boys live their lives like a candles in the wind, burning out instead of blowing away while driving their chevy to levy. One day they are making bitchy posts on hockey message boards, the next their flunitrazepam smuggling ring goes bad and they have their hands cut off with an acetylene torch, their teeth knocked out with an angle grinder, and are strung up - still alive – with their own intestines from a light pole in Juarez, Mexico. Or worse, they find religion, marry an honest woman, and settle down in a cozy little house in the suburbs.

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So Badboy4life, tell us about yourself. Whatcha want, watcha want, whatcha gonna do when sheriff John Brown come for you? Tell me. Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do? When you were eight and you had bad traits, you go to school and learn the golden rule. So why are you acting like a bloody fool? If you get hot, you must get cool. You chuck it on that one; you chuck it on this one; you chuck it on your mother; and you chuck it on your father; you chuck it on your brother; and you chuck it on your sister; you chuck it on that one; and you chuck it on me. Nobody naw give you no break. Police naw give you no break. Not a soldier mona give you no break. Not even you children naw give you no break. Why did you have to act so mean? Don't you know you're human being born of a mother with the love of a father? Reflections come and reflections go; I know sometimes you want to let go. Badboy4life, badboy4life, a whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do? When they come for you? You're too bad; you're too rude. You're too bad; you're too rude. Badboy4life, badboy4life. So yeah, tell us about that.

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Post #125 by senate » Mon Jul 29, 2013 8:29 pm

Well, looks like Sheriff John Brown came for badboy4life.

Anyways, next up we have “Balls Mahoney”. You may remember Balls Mahoney as a wrestler for the ECW. In which, you are such a fucking loser. How do you even live with yourself? Otherwise, you may remember Balls Mahoney as a Canucks broad. I, however, remember Balls Mahoney for other reasons but it’s a long, complicated story and I won’t bother you with. I’m sure you have better things to do than to listen to someone like me drone on about my past.

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So Balls Mahoney, tell us about yourself? How have you been? How are you now? How do you expect to be in the near term future? What about long term?
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Post #126 by senate » Mon Jul 29, 2013 8:30 pm

I have just received a PM from the moderator for Mizzura board informing me that I am contractually obligated to inform you about how I know Balls Mahoney. This comes quite a surprise to me because I was unaware that this place was moderated. Also, I don’t remember signing any contract. I can’t even imagine what consideration I got for it. Oh well, I guess this is what I get for buying all those barrels of grain alcohol, that misting machine, and that stamp with my signature on it.

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Anyways, I first met Balls Mahoney in 1984 in an unnamed American city that was strongly implied to be New York but looked suspiciously like Toronto. For poorly explained reasons, the mayor announced that the police department would be required to accept any and all applicants. Looking to keep low after the fall of my regime in Grenada, I enlisted. So did Balls Mahoney. Mahoney was an easy going man who through good intentions had gotten into some trouble with the law and was given the choice by the judge: police academy or prison. He chose police academy in the belief that he could quickly get expelled, not knowing that the police chief, angry over the mayor’s new policy, had issued an order forbidding any cadet from being expelled. Wacky coincidences like that were common in the 80s. It was a great time to be alive, you would have enjoyed it Caleb.

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Anyhow, Mahoney had all sorts of M*A*S*H*-esque misadventures at the police academy. He got a trim instead of a buzz cut, he tricked two fellow cadets into going to the Blue Oyster gay bar, he got a prostitute to give the police commissioner a blow job behind a podium, and he courted the old lady from Sex and the City (no, not that one, or that one, or the horse) back when she was attractive. None of that got him expelled, but one day he stood up for his fellow classmates in a cafeteria fight and got kicked out. Luckily, a riot broke out downtown and the entire police academy was sent to help contain it. Mahoney helped too and instead of being prosecuted for vigilantism, he was reinstated to the academy.

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After graduation, Mahoney, me, and the rest of our classmates had a bunch of other zany adventures. We were assigned to the 16th precinct, where Mahoney replaced his commanding Lieutenant’s shampoo with epoxy, had the same Lieutenant cavity searched, and took down Bobcat Goldthwait, leader of the worst ever street gang outside of The Warriors.

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Next, the Governor announced that for budget reasons he planned to shut down one of the cities two police academies. So, Mahoney, me, and the rest of our classmates returned to our academy to help save it. Fortunately, the Governor had just seen the movie Meatballs, so instead of judging the academies on their merits, he based his decision on a series of inter-academy games, which we dramatically won at the last possible minute at the governor’s ball.

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After that, Mahoney, me, our old classmates, and our old cadets were placed in charge of the Citizens on Patrol (COP) program, an initiative designed to augment the limited police manpower with citizen volunteers. Not much happened in that. Quite frankly it was really a waste of everyone’s time and money.

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Then Mahoney disappeared. He wasn’t with us when we went took down the ring of jewel thieves at the police department convention in Miami Beach, when we fought that crime wave, or when we went to Moscow to take down the Russian mafia.

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So Balls Mahoney, tell us about yourself. What happened to you? The last I heard, you were raising a child in a polyamorous relationship with two other men. Is that true? Is your house really haunted by a dead boy? Or is it true that you started a charter boat company in a Florida retirement home? And what’s this I hear about your having a house party with a catering staff?

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Post #127 by AD » Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:26 am

:paranoid:
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Post #128 by senate » Fri Aug 02, 2013 6:44 pm

I'm going to drag this out to build up anticipation so I can achieve maximum disappointment when it comes out. It will be the Duke Nukem Forever of Hockeybroads posts.
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Post #129 by AD » Sat Aug 03, 2013 1:55 pm

You're very good. I'm already disappointed.
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Post #130 by senate » Sat Aug 03, 2013 4:41 pm

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Post #131 by IcE ColD » Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:31 am

Can't wait to be disappointed by my entry :solo:
Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

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Post #132 by AD » Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:45 am

At this rate, you'll be dead before we get there.
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Post #133 by IcE ColD » Mon Aug 05, 2013 11:20 am

Hope is what is keeping me alive!!!

Yeah right, susf
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Post #134 by senate » Tue Aug 06, 2013 12:28 am

Well, looks like the best Balls Mahoney’s legacy can hope for is a reference in a Simpsons song.

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Anyways, next up we have “Banana”. Judging from the fanatical hatred he has expressed for the idea of linguistic freedom on the politics board, Banana is a Montreal poster.

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Before we begin I should note that I haven’t actually had time to start the usual research on Banana. Usually I read as many posts by the user as I can, look the user up on Hockeyboards, and do a Google search of user and any of his or aliases. Apparently there no one has the patience for me to do that properly this time. So instead of telling you a long tale about Banana’s convoluted inheritance of a piece of land named Blackacre or how he once murdered a man who was already falling to his death in a suicide attempt or what torts he was able to sue his local grocer after slipping on a grape, I am just going to throw some shit together by stream of consciousness-ing it. But don’t worry, I’m sure my bitterness won’t be reflected in the quality or tone of this post.

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Anyhow, Banana is from Nabatieh, Lebanon. You may remember the country of Lebanon as the backdrop for the fourth best movie of 1990 (behind Kindergarten Cop, Total Recall, and Tremors; rounding out the top 10: Die Hard 2, The Hunt for Red October, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Robocop 2, Problem Child, and Ernest Goes to Jail; Goodfellas doesn’t make the list because it was boring): Navy SEALS, starring history’s most underrated action star, Michael Biehn.

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Other than that, Lebanon has nothing else interesting going for it. They claim to be the creators of hummus, but that is actually an Egyptian dish. As are falafels. Tabouli is Syrian. While, Shawarma is a ripoff of a Turkish doner kebab.

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Fun fact about Lebanon: like Thomas Jefferson, I carry the haplogroup k2 on my Y chromosome (thanks National Geographic Genographic Project!). Since I am of English/Irish paternal heritage, that means, unlike most the majority of the modern Lebanese people, I am most likely of Phoencian descent. So, just as the Israeli stole land from the Palestinian or the White man stole land from the Indian/Native/Amerindian/First-Peoples/Whatever-the-PC-name-for-them-is-in-unviersities-this-year, Banana and his thieving people stole my homeland from my ancestors. By birth right those cedar trees should be mine. I think about that every time I barbecue salmon ... which is never because I dislike seafood. I guess I should be angry and idle no more about it, but, quite frankly, as victims I think my ancestors got the better of the deal.

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Anyhow, Banana gets his username not from a phallic reference or a desire to raise potassium awareness, but from the racist slur “banana”. For those of you who don't see race, a "banana" is an individual who has an Asian or "yellow" appearance on the outside, but Caucasian in thought and behavior on the inside. Probably a lot of underlying Jungian shit going on in the selection of that name. Hopefully Banana sees a therapist for that.

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Banana's other primary alias is “AD”, which is short for Addison’s Disease, a rare medical condition affecting steroid production in the adrenal glands, of which Banana suffers. This condition is why we mysteriously never see a picture of Banana’s gums or finger nails. The username Fido22, meanwhile, is not a reference to the 2006 zombie comedy, Fido. Although it should be. Instead, it is a reference to the FIDO bulletin board system software popular in the late 1980s. Banana was super into phreaking back then. The name al-Mutawakkil is an homage to Banana’s hero, Caliph Al-Mutawakkil, the Abbassid political-religious leader famous for issuing an edict ordering that all non-Islamic religious buildings built after the founding of Islam by Prophet Muhammed be converted into mosques or destroyed. Banana uses his hero's name again in the username Al-Mutawakkil al-Lubnan or “al-Mutawakkil of Lebanon”, which is a reference to Banana’s desire to purge Lebanon of not only Christian churches but Christian lives. As for the other usernames, Dognana, ado, ado22, and Dong-Fruit, those were all simple spelling mistakes and testaments to why you should never change usernames while drinking.

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As you all know because he never misses an opportunity to mention it, Banana is a lawyer. He works as in-house counsel for a “publically traded engineering-construction firm” where he manages litigation, regulatory inquiries, and “various issues that [he] can’t discuss”. In other words, Banana’s job is to make sure that his company isn’t held accountable for the cripples and widows its negligence creates, that environmental statutes and safety codes aren’t obeyed if they are slightly inconvenient, and that Quebec politicians get their brown envelopes or that Gaddafis get their Canadian visas. I be fucking up the final one is why he didn't get a six figure bonus last year. As you can tell from his job description, Banana is not an Atticus Finch-type lawyer that actually cares about justice or the greater good, but rather more of a Maurice Finch from The Wire figure that will do or say anything for a pay cheque. Ends justify means when you are a morality mercenary.

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Other than that, what is there to say about Banana? He has a wife and child. Allegedly. Like all Asians he has a strange fetish for over-priced Scotch. He conspired to have Beaker, the wisest and gentlest of all the Habs posters, banned because his hubris required him to be the only lawyer on the Habs board. He’s 30 for 24 more days. In order to achieve an erection, he often has to imagine his wife is anarmandaleb. He drives a Nissan Rouge even though he has a Volkswagen fetish Also, he seems to be some sort of big shot on Hockeybroads. Like a mod or something. But Pancakes is a mod too, so who cares?

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So Banana, don’t tell us about yourself. You already told us about yourself in the “Who Are You Really Thread” and you don’t get another chance. Meet The Broads isn’t a Nintendo game. Well, maybe it is sort of like one of those Virtual Boy games that cause seizures, but that is not really relevant right now. Please just sit there lamenting that you can only neg rep this post once. So everyone else, tell us about Banana. Consider this thread a Truth and Reconciliation Commission for all the horrors he has done to you and this board.
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Post #135 by senate » Tue Aug 06, 2013 12:29 am

Well, looks like Banana and friends took too long to post and the thread will have move on without them.

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Anyways, next up we have “banned from hf”. You may remember banned from hf for nothing. Unless, you knew him or her from his or her time at Hockey’s Future. Rumor is he or she was banned there. No doubt the event was quite scandalous. On Hockeybroads, however, banned from hf has done nothing. I mean that literally. Banned from hf never posted. He or she joined on February 26th and disappeared forever on the early morning of February 27th.

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We are therefore left with the question, how do we measure banned from hf and the time after after he or she left Hockeybroads?

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Two hundred thirty thousand, three hundred thirty-two minutes, how do you measure, measure five months and nine days? In daylights, in sunsets? In midnights, in cups of coffee? In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife? Two hundred thirty thousand, three hundred thirty-two minutes. How do you measure, measure five months and nine days? How about love? Measure in love. Two hundred thirty thousand, three hundred thirty-two minutes. How do you measure, measure five months and nine days? In truths that she learned or times that he cried? In bridges that he burned or the way that she died? It’s time now, to sing out, though the story never ends, let’s celebrate, remember five months and nine days in the life of friends.

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Unfortunately, banned from hf has no friends listed on his profile. Therefore it most also be said that he or she was not loved. As such, under the parameters set forth in the last paragraph, banned from hf’s value must be measured at zero. He or she was worthless to Hockeybroads and by extension, the entire world.

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So banned from hf, tell us about yourself. You don’t have HIV or AIDS do you? If so, this post was in really bad taste. I blame all the stress that Banana has had me under.

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Post #136 by AD » Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:32 am

Well done. You sneaked that past me while I was trying to achieve an erection.
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Post #137 by IcE ColD » Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:46 am

So, nine hours later, did you achieve such a feat?
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Post #138 by Twitter bArt » Wed Aug 07, 2013 12:09 am

Banana wrote:Well done. You sneaked that past me while I was trying to achieve an erection.


try some rope
:mkbét::lr: :lr:

OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone

It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.

Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."

...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...

Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.


:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #139 by senate » Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:21 pm

Well, guess banned from hf did have AIDS. I hope, before he or she died, that he or she learned there was more to life than just paying your rent.

Anyways, next up we have “barbe à papa”. You may remember barbe à papa for having in his or her name one of those annoying fake quasi-letters from one of those proto-languages that never mastered the alphabet. He or she is also a Flyers broad. Yeah, I thought that must be a mistake too but the only post of barbe a papa’s I bothered to find was on a thread introducing him or her to the Flyers board. Also, on his or her profile, he or she lists his or her location as “Philadelphia” and their sole interest as Flyers. His or her occupation, meanwhile, is “spilling beer”.

From these facts, the only logical conclusion is that barbe à papa is a tragic figure from Greek Mythology. Sisyphus was doomed to forever roll a boulder up an endless hill every day, only to watch it roll down every night. Prometheus was doomed to have his liver eaten by eagle every day, only to have it re-grow every night. Barbe à papa is doomed to forever live in city known only for its lack of the basic metal working skills needed to repair a bell and to have nothing in his life – no hobbies, no books, no movies, no TV, no friends, no lovers, no family – nothing, nothing except for a hockey team that is destined to always under-perform. And that is far worse than nothing. Faced with a lifetime of that, barbe à papa would like nothing more than to take solace in a beer ... [SIZE="5"]BUT NO[/size]! Barbe à papa can never have a beer. For it is his or her job to spill that beer. For all eternity. Probably for not much for minimum wage. And you can't live on that. Ask mayordamwest. He has charts and everything.

What did barbe à papa do to be cursed to such an existence? The wraith of the old gods was truly terrible.

Anyohow, Barbe à papa takes his name from barbe à papa ("old man's beard"), or, as it is known in the parts of the world that don't smoke on the toilet, cotton candy. For those of you that grew up in one of those houses that gave out toothbrushes or religious pamphlets at Halloween, cotton candy is a form of candy that looks like raw cotton. Hence the name dumbass. Or if you want to be more nerdy about it, cotton candy is sugar which is melted and then exposed to centrifugal force before it can caramelize. The sugar than re-solidifies before it can re-crystalize, given the sugar a fluffy, cotton like texture. None of any of the previous sentences you just read is relevant though, because Barbe à papa no doubt draws his or her name from the other two meanings of cotton candy: 1) pubic hair, particularly that of a teenager or that scented by soap or perfume, or 2) “[w]hen a girl has a blue waffle and a pink sock at the same time.”

Caleb, I implore you, do not do a google image search of the terms “blue waffle” or “pink sock”. Your mother would kill me.

Generic Username, I implore you, do a google image search of the terms “blue waffle” and “pink sock”. You need to learn the importance of safe sex and keeping your genitals clean.

Or perhaps barbe à papa username is a reference to Barbapapa, a French (and therefore not so subtly racist) book/cartoon from the 1970s and 1980s.

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Fun fact: I have seen flashes of Barbapapa in my mind’s eye before. Until now, I thought it was only some sort of mis-remembrance of Slimer or the Grimus, or maybe an echo from some feverish dream about Pacman ghosts I had as a child. But no, the pink blob is real. All too real. I most have seen it somewhere, sometime, somehow. I saw it and it scarred my brain forever. For some reason I won’t let myself remember but I can’t let myself forget either...

So barba à papa, tell us about yourself. I have no follow up questions.
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Post #140 by senate » Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:34 pm

Well, I guess barbe à papa was all my imagination after all.

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Anyways, next up we have “BaseballCoach”, a typical Habs broad.

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For those of you that don’t remember, Hockeybroads was founded as a newsletter in 1976. Back in those days hockey newsletters were super into having little league baseball teams or rather having their children play on little league baseball teams. It was the seventies, don't over think it, Bytown Boozer. For much of the mid-seventies, the best little league team was the Hockey’s Future’s Newsletter’s team. Only the best of the best kids could hope to play on it. That made the parents of loser kids very unhappy and they started printing Hockeybroads so that their kids would have a place to play.

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Unfortunately, the parents of Hockeybroads spent all their money on the printing press for the newsletter and didn’t have the budget to hire a good coach for the baseball team, the Bad News Broads. Fortunately, RTWAP’s pool boy was a former a minor league baseball player, BaseballCoach, and he was willing to coach the team in exchange for chaw.

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Anyhow, long story short. The team was a trainwreak. The kids were all freaks: the pitcher was near sighted, the catcher was fat, the shortstop was short, and two players (including a young Stan Getz) were even Mexican! A Mexican playing baseball was quite funny back in 1976, Bytown Boozer. Anyways, back to long story short: the Bad News Broads sucked at first, but thanks to BaseballCoach’s expert coaching the team started winning, made it to the finals and lost but in a very gutsy way that made them all feel like winners.

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It was quite the moral victory ... until it was discovered a few months later that BaseballCoach was getting kids drunk after practice and molesting them. Not Stan Getz though, he was too ugly. Hockeybroads had to pay a lot of money to cover that up. It was the sixth worst child molestation scandal in Broads' history.

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So BaseballCoach, tell us about yourself. Why didn’t replace Kelly for a pinch hitter on that final play? Did the chemical castration ever take? How is your current life in the seminary?

tl;dr long preamble for a child molestation joke
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Post #141 by Twitter bArt » Thu Aug 22, 2013 4:26 pm

yellow shoes with a blue dress...really?
:mkbét::lr: :lr:



OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone



It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.



Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."



...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...



Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.




:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #142 by senate » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:38 pm

Well, it looks like BaseballCoach's probation doesn't allow him to use the internet.

Anyways, next up we have "Bat Cave". Bat Cave is a Leafs Broad, which is pretty much the same thing as being a Habs Broad, except, curiously, with worse English.

You may know the bat cave as the secret headquarters of Batman, located in the natural cavern system under Wayne Manor, first introduced not in the comic book, which had Batman storing his batmobile and batmicrolite in the Wayne manor's barn, but in the 1943 movie serial in which Batman was an FBI agent fighting Japanese spies and saboteurs. The Broads Bat Cave is in no way named after that bat cave. Or Carslbad Caverns.

Instead, Bat Cave draws her name after the nickname for her vagina, which is so unused that it has bats. Only metaphorically, hopefully. Otherwise, the resulting guano would create a lot of yeast and urinary tract infections. Plus uterus rabies.

So Bat Cave, tell us about yourself. Why are none of your 22 posts interesting? How ugly do you have to be for a male Leaf fan to not try to have sex with you? Like Sudbury ugly? Do you think they should bring back the batmicrolite? What do you think of Ben Affleck as the new Batman? More importantly, who the fuck keeps greenlighting Frank Miller comics into movies? Not comic fans, that's for sure.
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Post #143 by senate » Wed Sep 04, 2013 12:24 am

Well, looks like Bat Cave's labia caught the Marburg virus.

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Anyways, next up we have "Battle Axe". Battle Axe is a "Vancouver" "Canucks" "fan". I use quotation marks because I believe that Canucks have bandwagoners not fans; that the Canucks are not a hockey team but rather a loose collection of whinny pussies led by the king of douches, Ryan Kesler; and that Vancouver isn't a real city just a glorified suburb of Richmond, BC.

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Anyhow, Battle Axe gets her username from being my ex-mother-in-law.

Bitch.

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That's all you have to know about her.

The end.

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So Battle Axe, tell us about yourself. Did you raise your daughter Jennifer to be a no good cheating whore or was that always just her natural aptitude? If it was the later, I guess it runs in the family.

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Also, could you ask her to give me a second chance? I really think we can make it work this time. I miss her so much.
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Post #144 by MP » Wed Sep 04, 2013 2:14 pm

Are we at the 'M's" yet? I don't want to miss my bio.
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Post #145 by senate » Wed Sep 04, 2013 9:56 pm

Masterplan wrote:Are we at the 'M's" yet? I don't want to miss my bio.


The Ms are a couple of pages back. Unless the mods have been erasing my entries again.
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Post #146 by senate » Wed Sep 04, 2013 10:10 pm

Well, it looks like Battle Axe is giving me the silent treatment. Like mother, like daughter.

Anyways, next up we have “BCB”, an unaffiliated Broad.

Coward.

BCB got his username from the short-lived comic “Black Cherry Bombshells.” This isn’t a bit, he actually did. Look at his avatar.

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Now look at Black Cherry Bombshells.

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What great art. When BCB saw that great art, BCB thought to himself (and let’s face it, that art is too great to ever be seen by a woman) “Wow, this is great art. This art is so great, it is like it is a mirror to my soul. I self-identify with this great art so much that I want strangers on the internet to associate me with this great art. My only logical course of action is to take one of this great art’s picture-real faces and use it as my avatar on a hockey message board where I will never discuss hockey.”

What is Black Cherry Bombshells about I'm pretending you ask as a exposition device? Sadly, it’s about a team of female rogues living in a post-apocolyptic future where all men have been turned into zombies and not about sexy ladies having sex with black men for the first time. Boring. But what can you expect with these two guys writing it:

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What an odd lack of fedoras.

Anyhow, as for BCB's time at Hockeybroads, his only accomplishment was posting a couscous recipe. Or at least a link to a google search for a couscous recipe.

So BCB, tell us about yourself? What is art? What is greatness? What is great art?
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Post #147 by AD » Thu Sep 05, 2013 9:34 am

Wasn't he a Bruins fan? Oilers?

Are your researchers and writers on strike Senate?

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