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Post #51 by senate » Sat Apr 13, 2013 8:51 pm

Finally, someone had the decency to respond. Thank you, aptar. I was beginning to think this board was only filled with shy assholes. You could learn a thing or two from aptar, "Friend John".

Anyways, next up we have "aquil". You may remember aquil for making you think: "Did Nyquil change his username or is that someone making fun of Nyquil? In either case, I don't understand what joke he or she is trying to make."

Aquil was a Sens board poster who was deliberately recruited from Hockeyboards in the same wave of invitees that included me. It was like the 1996 Entry Draft class of Sens broad recruiting. Aquil made a total of 8 posts. His last post was on March 26, 2009. His last log on April 2, 2010.

Aquil livedin Cambridge, Massachusetts. That's where Harvard and MIT is. From this can we infer that aquil thought he was too smart for us? That he thought he was better than us?

No.

Well, mostly no. He was smarter and better than Pancakes, obviously.

As aquil's log in history shows, he was a lurker. Lurker is a nice way of saying voyeur, which is itself a nice way of saying peeping tom. Therefore, the only logical explanation for aquil's disappearance is that aquil was peeping through the bushes and ended up getting shot by some pro-castle doctrine co-ed. An all-too-common end for Sens broads. That's how Moz and SensGod went too.

So the executor of aquil's estate, tell us about him. What was the joke with Nyquil's name? Honestly, I don't get it at all.
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Post #52 by AD » Mon Apr 15, 2013 9:24 am

Maybe he jst likes one particlar qilt bt the "t" on his keyboard is too sticky becase of repetitive mastrbation sessions followed by ejaclating on his keyboard. Did yo think abot that, Senate?!
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Post #53 by IcE ColD » Mon Apr 15, 2013 9:40 am

Banana wrote:Maybe he jst likes one particlar qilt bt the "t" on his keyboard is too sticky becase of repetitive mastrbation sessions followed by ejaclating on his keyboard. Did yo think abot that, Senate?!


You were obviously definitely thinking about that when you typed that particular post, didn't you? :rolleyes:
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Post #54 by senate » Wed Apr 17, 2013 3:53 pm

Well, I forget what jokes I made about aquil and my last post is on a different page so it looks like I won't be able to reference back to it.

Anyways, next up we have "Arctic_Habs_Fan". You may remember him as the the guy who advocated washing your hair in seal's blood or for being one of those run-of-the-mill petty, bureaucratic assholes that ruin internet message boards.

Arctic_Hab_Fan wrote:No Offense Beaker but GDT encompasses everything about the game, I prefer threads dealing with one subject :)


Arctic_Hab_Fan wrote:I'm not an attention whore nor suffer from a Look at Me, my thought is fucken revolutionary syndrome...I stated why I thought it merited its own thread.

Anyway, it seems you take this internet chatter too seriously, for fuck sakes its a message board, people are free to post whatever fucken thread they want unless its stated somewhere, and if it is show me!

Here I thought I was on to a great board, whatever!

MERGEEEEEEEEE it then, man I'm having a cow already...


He seems fun.

Anyhow, Arctic_Habs_Fan was from Iqaluit. That's in the arctic. And he was a Habs fan. Hence the username. That's kind of boring. Too bad he wasn't from the Antarctic. That place is so much cooler. Figuratively, because it's in no way related to a CBC drama series starring Adam Beach and the lady that played the ship in Kevin Sorbo's Andromeda, and literally, because the Antarctic achieves lower temperatures.

So Arctic_Habs_Fan, tell us about yourself. Have you ever met Adam Beach? How long do you think you could survive in Antarctica? How long do you think Kevin Sorbo could survive in Antarctica?
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Post #55 by Craig » Wed Apr 17, 2013 4:10 pm

We had a lot of posts like that before we banned Beaker. A lot.
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Post #56 by rod stewart » Wed Apr 17, 2013 5:35 pm

wait, beaker was banned?

so hard to keep up with you people and your banning ways
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Post #57 by IcE ColD » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:23 pm

That's the one and only ban that is still standing to date. From the Habs Broads anyways.
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Post #58 by IcE ColD » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:24 pm

Could someone please ban tom waits from this forum? :squint:
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Post #59 by senate » Sun Apr 21, 2013 10:50 pm

Image

Well, it looks like that, ah, for just one time Arctic_Habs_Fan tried to take the Northwest Passage, to find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea; tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage and make a Northwest Passage to the sea.

Anyways, next up we have “Arian”. As his username suggests, Arian is a firm believer in Arianism. For those of you that went to public school, arianism is the heretical Christian theological belief that there is no Holy Trinity because Jesus was the son of God but not God himself and that the Holy Spirit does not exist as a distinct entity from God.

Arian never really fit in on Hockeybroads. Of Arian’s three posts, two were him trying to explain what Arianism was and the other was an angry rant about the First Council of Nicaea. The reason he became a Broad was that he heard that Leafs board was one of the most pro-Arian places on the internet. That was a misunderstanding on his part. As everyone knows, the rump of the Leafs board are made up of posters banned from Stormfront for being too extremist. Also, their poor spelling didn’t help either. Those Stormfront mods are literally grammar Nazis.

So Arian, tell us about yourself. Can you explain Arianism again because I don’t think I get it. If Jesus isn’t God, is he a god? Or would he be like a demi-god? In which case, could he beat up Hercules? What about Heracles? Do you think people notice that I post Mary Elizabeth Winstead pictures to try to hide posts I’m unhappy with? Or was Jennifer right and I am not capable of happiness? Why do her words still hurt me so bad 12 years after she said them? Do you think I'm running the Mary Elizabeth Winstead thing into the ground because her and Jennifer have the same eyes? Is that a question I can ask your Jesus-lite or do you Arians not bother with that half-breed and pray around him directly to God?

Image
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Post #60 by senate » Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:48 pm

Well, it looks like Arian, like Jennifer, is refusing to talk to me. I guess sometimes people's lives just move in other directions. It's no one's fault. That's life. Still, I wonder if he thinks about us when he is posting on some other taller, more successful message board. I bet he does stuff with that message board that he never did with us, no matter how much we begged or if it was our birthday.

Anyways, next up we have "armani". To be honest, I was nervous about writing about armani because he would be the first active Sens Broad I've introduced. I felt a lot of pressure to do a good job. Then I read his profile and found out he hasn't posted here in over two years so fuck that effort noise.

Anyhow, Armani was a Sens broad. He named himself after a brand of overpriced men's suits. He doesn't post here any more but he still posts regularly on Boreds because apparently he isn't comfortable associating with people who have the mental faculties to breath through their noise.

So Armani, tell us about yourself. Why Armani and not a better quality brand like Gucci? Why are you a cheating whore that went back to Hockeyboards? Weren't you the one, who tried to break Hockeybroads.com with goodbye? Did you think Hockeybroads.com'd crumble? Did you think we'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not Hockeybroads.com, Hockeybroads.com will survive. Oh, as long as Hockeybroads.com knows how to love, Hockeybroads.com knows Hockeybroads.com'll stay alive. Hockeybroads.com has got all Hockeybroads.com's life to live, Hockeybroads.com has got all Hockeybroads.com's love to give and Hockeybroads.com'll survive, Hockeybroads.com will survive. Oh, oh.
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Post #61 by senate » Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:59 pm

Well, it looks like no Armani. It also looks like that my Armani post was so bad that it got my first ever negative rep. I take that to mean that the neg repper, Banana, thinks I should stop doing these. But I won’t do that. A strong community needs to know its members. Also, I’ll be damned if I let a Frenchie tell me what to do. Nonetheless, to make this thread more Hab Broad friendly, from now on every Mary Elizabeth Winstead picture will be accompanied by a picture of Ryan Gosling.

ImageImage

Anyways, next up we have “Arob”. Arob only ever made one post. It was oddly on the keeper league board. It went a little something exactly like this:

arob wrote:Image
2013 Red Bull Crashed Ice is like downhill skiing meets speed skating - but its popular with hockey players. This year the tour kicks off in Niagara Falls just about a quarter mile from the actual waterfalls which you can expect to see all lit up at night - it will be breathtaking
Image
The course is about 500m long and on Saturday December 1st 2012 there will be 80,000 people there. Check the photo of Scott Croxall who is the #3 ranked competitor but who hopes to be ranked #1 in 2013. He just has to beat his older brother Kyle (who is currently 1st ranked champion)
Image
This is a free event.


That Crashed Ice thing looks pretty intense. You’d need serious energy to do that. And for serious energy, there is only one place to turn: Monster Energy. Tear into a can of the meanest energy supplement on the planet, MONSTER energy. Monster went down to the lab and cooked up a double shot of their killer energy brew. It´s a wicked mega hit that delivers twice the buzz of a regular energy drink. MONSTER packs a vicious punch but has a smooth flavor you can really pound down.

Image

Other than his X-TREM taste in Winter sports, what else do we know about him? Well, he is from Toronto, he is a writer, and his interests include hockey. Also, Arob is the “[s]on of a beekeeper, [he] write[s] the sweet stuff” . Sweet stuff almost as sweet as Monster Absolutely Zero. People have been blowin’ up Monster’s inbox for years asking for a zero calorie Monster. Monster got it, but this ain’t soda pop, dude! Making a zero calorie zero sugar drink that’s a good enough to earn the Monster M ain’t that easy. Finally with a re-tooled energy blend, new sweetener system and after hundreds of failed flavors, Monster absolutely got it right.

Image

So Arob, tell us about yourself. Like, do you ever wish that you could get more out of your fruit juice? Pro Athletes are always looking for an edge, so when they’ve got an idea Monster listens. After months in the lab, Monster perfected the “Juice Monster”. Monster started with out original Monster flavor, mixed in a killer combo of natural juices, then powered it up with the full load of Monster’s energy blend and stood back. It’s Alive…….Monster Khaos, an insane Juice-Monster hybrid bubbling with the great Monster taste and the big bad buzz you know and love. 50% Juice – 100% Monster!

Image
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Post #62 by AD » Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:54 pm

I don't want you to stop, I want you to get better. To be better. I want you to be the best that you can be.
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Post #63 by IcE ColD » Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:06 am

Ryan Gosling? Man, our fag reputation is quite unprecedented... :(
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Post #64 by AD » Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:11 am

I like Ryan Gosling. :(

What's wrong with Ryan Gosling? :(
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Post #65 by Germz » Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:05 am

Bless you, senate, for brining Arianism to life here on broads.

However heretical, it is one of the only forms of Christian doctrine that is neither a stumbling block to Jews nor foolishness to Gentiles.
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Post #66 by VLoo » Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:03 am

Banana wrote:I like Ryan Gosling. :(

What's wrong with Ryan Gosling? :(


Pretty sure that's Ice's point.
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Post #67 by senate » Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:46 pm

Well looks like arob doesn’t have the energy to talk to us. If only there was something he could drink that could help with that. Oh well.

Anyways, next up we have “arrbez”. You may remember arrbez for naming himself after the ghetto spelling for the sandwich chain, Arby’s. But I can’t get into that because I’m already too much of a corporate whore because of arob’s post. You may also remember arrbez for his or her most popular post where he or she revealed his or her dislike of Chris Osgood. I too never liked Osgood, not for anything he or didn’t on the ice, but because his name reminded me of the village of Osgood, where I once had a bad experience.

It was 1994, I was archeology professor at the prestigious Algonquin College. I was celebrating a successful dig in Vars with a night out at a swinging nightclub in Leitrim. Unfortunately, I was attacked a local crime lord, Lao Che, but luckily I narrowly escaped with my eleven-year old Chinese sidekick, Short Round, and the gold-digging nightclub singer, Willie Scott, in tow. We fled Leitrim on a plane that, unknown to us, was owned by Lao. The pilots purposely crashed the plane in the Jock River, but we narrowly escaped on an inflatable boat and rode down the slopes into the raging Rideau River. We eventually stumbled into Manotick, a desolate village in southern Ottawa, where the poor villagers believed us to have been sent by the Hindu god Shiva and enlisted our help to retrieve the sacred Sivalinga stone stolen from their shrine, as well as the community's children, from evil forces in the nearby Osgoode. I accepted their request to rescue the stone and the children because I hypothesized that the stone may be one of the five fabled Sankara stones, which I intended to sell for fame and fortune.

Image

We received a warm welcome from the residents of Osgoode and were allowed to stay the night as their guests, during which we attended a lavish banquet attended by the Maharajah. During the banquet, we were presented with odd culinary delicacies such as baby snakes, large beetles, eyeball soup, and chilled monkey brains, none of which Willie Scott was able to eat. The Osgoodians rebuffed my questions about the Manotick's claims and my theory that the ancient Thuggee cult was responsible for their troubles. Later that night, however, I was attacked by an assassin, leading me, Willie, and Short Round to believe that something is amiss. We then discovered a series of tunnels hidden behind a statue in Willie's room and set out to explore them, facing many booby-trapped rooms and a room filled with bugs along the way. From the tunnels, we travelled through an underground temple where the Thuggee worshiped the Hindu goddess Kali with human sacrifice, a custom typical in the Ottawa Valley. We then discovered that the Thuggee, led by their evil, bloodthirsty high priest Mola Ram, were in possession of three of the five Sankara stones, and have enslaved the children (as well as the Maharajah) to mine for the final two stones, which they hope would allow them to rule the world. As I tried to retrieve the stones, me, Willie and Short Round were captured and separated. I as whipped and forced to drink a potion called the "Blood of Kali", which placed me in a trance-like state called the "Black Sleep of Kali Ma".

Image

As a result, I became a slave to Mola Ram. Willie, meanwhile, was kept as a human sacrifice, while Short Round was put in the mines to labour alongside the enslaved children. Luckily, Short Round escaped and shocked me out of my trance by burning me with a torch. The Maharajah, who was also forcibly entranced by the "Blood of Kali", attempted to sabotage me with a voodoo doll. Short Round spared with the Maharajah, ultimately burning him to snap him out of the trance too. The Maharajah then told Short Round how to get out of the mines. While Mola Ram escaped, me and Short Round rescued Willie, retrieved the three Sankara stones, and freed the village children.

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After a thrilling mine cart chase to escape the temple, we emerged above ground and were again cornered by Mola Ram and his henchmen on a rope bridge over a crocodile-infested river. Using a sword stolen from one of the Thuggee warriors, I cut the rope bridge in half, leaving everyone to hang on for their lives. In one final struggle against Mola Ram for the Sankara stones, I invoked an incantation to Shiva for Mola Ram misusing his power, causing the stones to glow red hot. Two of the stones fell into the river, while the last fell into and burnt Mola Ram's hand. I caught the then cool stone, while Mola Ram fell into the river below, where he was devoured by crocodiles. The Thuggee then attempt to shoot me with arrows, but a company of British Indian Army riflemen from Metcalfe arrive, having been summoned by the Maharajah. In the ensuing firefight, over half of the Thuggee archers were killed and the remainder were surrounded and captured. Me, Willie and Short Round returned victoriously to Manotick with the missing Sivalinga stone and the children.

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So arrbez, tell us about yourself. Why doesn’t Arby’s seem to carry the Reuben all the time? Is that their version of the McRib or something? Should I have kept the Sivalinga stone? Did you know that Short Round would group up to be Bytown Boozer or that Willie would go on to marry Steven Speilberg.

Oh and I didn’t feel like finding a bunch of Ryan Gosling gifs so here is a clip from the Young Hercules.

[YOUTUBE]SfpC-HZC3Cg[/YOUTUBE]
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Post #68 by senate » Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:02 pm

ImageImage

Well, looks like arbbez isn't available in this region yet.

Anyways, next up we have "Arsenuts". You may remember Arsenuts as the former general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Allegedly.

Notice the lack of any posts. He put as much effort into here as he did in his job.

Allegedly.

So Arsenuts, did you really hit that? If so, did you have to think of Evanka to finish?

Image

No but seriously, did you?

Image

Yeah, this one sucks. It's just not my day, apologies. It'd try harder, but quite frankly, I don't care enough.

ImageImage

Yes, I realize this is a crutch.

ImageImage

Ok, this one is just to fuck with anyone with phone modem.

ImageImage
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Post #69 by senate » Sat May 04, 2013 12:32 am

Well, it looks like Arsenuts can't post here until his lawsuit with Topher is settled.

Anyways, next up he have "Art Vandelay". You may remember Art Vandelay as a foreigner. No, not a member of the British-American rock band Foreigner. At least, he isn't yet. Membership in Foreigner is an inevitability in life. Mick Jones comes for us all.

Image

What I meant was that Art isn't North American. He comes from Sweden.

Fun facts about Sweden:
  • It is in Europe
  • It is the land of ice and snow, with the midnight sun where the hotspings flow
  • It has berries trees that produce delicious candy
  • It produced three great works: Daniel Alfredsson, Erik Karlsson, and ABBA
  • Ikea was founded there, but it is now registered in the Netherlands
  • I grew up thinking that it was renowned for its pornography because of Monty Python jokes, but to this day I have yet to see Swedish porn or even a Swedish porn actress
  • I have also never seen its "famed" bikini team
  • The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was a terrible book
  • Whenever a Swedish hockey player scores a game winning goal, gets a hat trick, or a shutout, TSN.ca will run a headline that reads "HOW SWEDE IT IS"
  • The Swedish chef is a puppet made by an American and voiced by a Brit and therefore does not hold Swedish citizenship

Fun facts about Art Vandelay:
  • His name is Johan G. Karlsson
  • He is Swedish
  • Six years ago he was a student
  • This space intentionally left blank

So Art Vandelay, tell us about yourself and, more importantly, about Sweden. What's it like? Do you think Gustavus Adolphus was overrated? Do you think that Czech girls have eclipsed Swedish girls in the reputed attractiveness? Do you think ABBA's The Winner Takes it All is really about Bjorn Ulvaeus and Agnetha Fältskog's divorce? Is it true that you only eat off of smörgåsbords?
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Post #70 by senate » Mon May 06, 2013 10:05 pm

Well, it looks like Art Vandelay is confined in the Ecuadorean embassy in London.

Anyways, next up we have "Artie". You may remember Artie as one of the faceless horde of Habs posters. And you're right, they do all look alike. I suspect they are all inter-related somehow.

Anyhow, the name "Artie" comes from the fact that Artie is a professional artist. Or as they say on the Habs board, Une Super Artiste Pourpre Singe Lave-Vaisselle.

Let's take a look at some of his work.

"Fallujah"

Image

Artie's answer to Picasso's Guernica, Fallujah is an indictment of the violence of war. Notice how dark background contrasts the rest of the painting. Here Artie is showing us that the natural world cares little for human suffering and that only humanity can save itself from itself.

"Cloudy Day"

Image

Artie's response to Van Gogh's The Starry Night. While Van Gogh sought to show the inherent beauty of the every day world - or perhaps I should say every night world - Artie seeks to show his audience the world's everyday mundane-ness. Notice the dull brush strokes, they reflect and reinforce the message of the painting.

"Quebecker Romaneque"

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Artie's reaction to Wood's American Gothic. While American Gothic captured the American Midwest by capturing it's domesticity and hard work, Quebecker Romaneque captures the province of Quebec by capturing it's ugliness and general clowniness. Notice the droopiness of the woman's breasts, here Artie is telling the audience the consequences of so many Quebecois women not wearing bras in their teens and twenties.

"A Monday Morning on the Street of Saint Catherine - 2012."

Image

Widely considered his opus, this is Artie's interpretation of Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte - 1884. As Seurat sought to capture an everyday scene in the life of Paris, Artie sought to capture an everyday scene in the life of Montreal - namely a child watching making sure that his prostitute mother doesn't die of an overdose. Notice the carefully calculated use of colour and shading. Also, notice the fruit bowl in the corner. Artie included that bowl as a subtle fuck you to the art teacher's that failed him, which was all of them.

So Artie, tell us about yourself. What is your muse? Do you feel like you create your paintings or do you feel like your painting are creating you? What is more important the colours you use or the ones you don't use? Who'd win in a cage fight, Monet and Manet? Will I get away with the pseudo-nudity in this post? Does anyone really care what I do on the St Louis board?

[video=youtube;xTDLaPihwmM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTDLaPihwmM&hd=1[/video]
[YOUTUBE]E7hvaR-GTdc[/YOUTUBE]
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Post #71 by Twitter bArt » Tue May 07, 2013 9:54 am

That 3rd painting is actually entitled - Self Portrait
:mkbét::lr: :lr:

OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone

It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.

Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."

...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...

Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.


:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #72 by Twitter bArt » Tue May 07, 2013 10:09 am

This is quite the tribute. Very well researched, that 1st video is reflective of my relationship with moose. The second video features 3 cameo appearances by Artie so how fitting you would post it. (2:09, 2:23 and 2:48) Uncanny that you were able to find this.

The last painting however was never meant to be made public. It was a collaborative effort and titled "A View Inside Mumu's mind - The Dream Sequence". I had help from a secondary artist who wants to remain anonymous (however there is a cameo self-portrait in the painting)

We shan't discuss the 1st 2 paintings as they were done in a time when I was in Strictly Commercial mode
:mkbét::lr: :lr:



OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone



It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.



Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."



...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...



Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.




:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #73 by senate » Thu May 09, 2013 11:14 pm

Well, thank you Artie for actually replying to this thread. I hope the experience can inspire your next painting.

Anyways, next we have “asp1986”. You may remember asp1986 as yet another Habs poster. Why are there so many Habs fan here? Because the Montreal board has a high turnover. Seriously, it’s like Hamburger Hill over there. The veteran Habs broads don’t even bother to learn the new recruits name. That way they don’t have to mourn them when they go.

Anyhow, asp1986 was a refugee from Hockeybuzz. So, he or she was an idiot. What else do we know about asp1986? I’ve been talking to several league executives and what I’ve learned is intriguing. Let’s go to the rumor chart...

He is a 26 year old Caucasian male living in Harland, Michigan looking to get a job as a teacher. His ideal first date is to “to do dinner or drinks or anything but a movie. It's hard to get to know someone without being able to talk.” E3

He is a member of the 1986 Clase graduanda de la Escuela Superior Antonio S Pedreira. E4

[YOUTUBE]a1UQL_NRpxs[/YOUTUBE]

He is Lord Chezz. E1

He is 35 years old and still actively posts on Hockeybuzz. E5

He doesn’t find the Vaseline Spray and Go girl to be the sexiest woman in TV commercials. E1

[video=youtube;l8-ow4CVX3w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8-ow4CVX3w&hd=1[/video]

He or she thinks that was a flimsy excuse to post a video of the Vaseline girl. E5

Because he or she was mentioned earlier in this thread when you google image search his or her username a picture of Mary Elizabeth Winstead comes up. e5

He died in 2009. RIP. E3

So asp1986, tell us about yourself. Which rumour is true ... I mean which rumour is the most likely to happen. Because all my rumours are true. I get them from sources. I don't make shit up. I would never do that. And if I did do that, I wouldn't then try to find a way to monetize on my lying.
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Post #74 by senate » Sun May 12, 2013 1:26 pm

Well, it looks like asp1986 fell through. I'm now hearing from my league sources that there is a deal in place to move him for a package of Halak, Ryder, and a 2nd. Just waiting for the domino of Montreal getting Halak or St Louis getting Ryder to fall.

Anyways, next up we have "asswipe". Oh what a surprise, another short-lived Habs broad. Plenty of material for me to talk about here! He or she first posted on 9:23am on May 20th, 2010. His or her second, and last, post came two minutes later. He or she signed off Hockeybroads, never to return, eighty-four minutes after that, at 10:49am.

My Hamburger Hill [s]metaphor[/s] simile in the asp1986 wasn't a joke. The attrition over there is disturbing. Joining Hockeybroads to post about the Montreal Canadians is the internet equivalent of being a native woman leaving her reserve in Northern BC and hitchhiking to Vancouver. The odd one makes it, but the majority disappear forever ... not that anyone bothers to look. It's not the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, it's Hockeybroads' Highway of Tears.

So asswipe, tell us about yourself. Did you die of an overdose, get fed to pigs, or marry a wealthy Asian businessman and move to Hong Kong?
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Post #75 by IcE ColD » Mon May 13, 2013 11:13 am

They're so short-lived I don't even have the slightest idea who you're talking about.
Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

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Post #76 by AD » Mon May 13, 2013 11:15 am

The truth is, we need a never ending supply to quench mcphee thirst for the blood of young men and to feed Psycho Papa Joe's hunger for human flesh.

That and most are alts created for jokes that don't make anyone laugh.
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Post #77 by senate » Mon May 13, 2013 10:09 pm

Well, looks like asswipe is just another statistic.

Image

Anyways, next up we have "Astaroth". Speak of the devil, Astaroth is another of the Hab unwashed masses. Also, Astaroth named him or herself after a crown prince of Hell so I am literally speaking of a devil. What a bad ass, I wish I was brave enough to rebel against the Christian establishment and give myself a Satanic username. But alas, my province never had a Quiet Revolution. Guess, I can never hope to be as hardcore as the demon Astaroth:

Image

Anyhow, Astaroth was born on January 3, 1986. So ... good for him? He was a poster in 2007, or as future historians will call it, the pre-Obama era, and he thought that "Koivu was God", a sentiment that really stands the test of time in the history of the Canadiens franchise. During the playoffs, they couldn't go a single post without whinning about how they'd be winning this series if they only had Saku Koivu's moderate talent.

Image

Curiously, none of Astaroth's 10 posts were on the Habs board. All 10 were made on the general hockey talk board. Nonetheless, all his or her posts were the standard Montreal boilerplate. Stuff like:

Image

Astaroth wrote:Frère Jacques,
Frère Jacques,
Dormez-vous?
Dormez-vous?
Sonnez les matines.
Sonnez les matines.
Ding, ding, dong.
Ding, ding, dong.


Image

Astaroth wrote:Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai la tête
Je te plumerai la tête
Et la tête, et la tête
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai le nez
Je te plumerai le nez
Et le nez, et le nez
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai les yeux
Je te plumerai les yeux
Et les yeux, et les yeux
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai le cou
Je te plumerai le cou
Et le cou, et le cou
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai les ailes
Je te plumerai les ailes
Et les ailes, et les ailes
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai le dos
Je te plumerai le dos
Et le dos, et le dos
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai les pattes
Je te plumerai les pattes
Et les pattes, et les pattes
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai

Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai la queue
Je te plumerai la queue
Et la queue, et la queue
Alouette, Alouette
O-o-o-o-oh
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette je te plumerai


Image

Astaroth wrote:Je suis un homme 7 up
Never down, always up
Je suis un homme 7 up
I always keep on top
Je suis un homme 7 up
Un vrai king du be-bop
Je suis un homme 7 up
Tu craques (crack) et moi ça fait pop!

Je suis un homme 7 up
Et j'ai beaucoup d'avenir un homme 7 up
Je compte bien parvenir
Je suis un homme 7 up
Rien ne pourra m'arrêter un homme 7 up
Jusqu'à c'que j' y sois arrivé

Un homme 7 up man!
Je suis un homme 7 up man!

Parfois, mes amis racontent
Des histoires sur mon compte
N'allez surtout pas les croire
Je vous jure, car ils se trompent
Ils n'ont pas compris que l'argent mène le monde
Ils ont toujours dit qu'elle a odeur nauséabonde

J'aimerais vous présenter tout ce (ceux) que je possède
Ce (ceux) que je m'approprierai
Et conserverai dans mon bled
Jusqu'à ma mort

Well... well...

"And I keep on flying..."

J'aimerais vous présenter tout ceux (ce) que je possède
Ce (ceux) que je m'appropriai
Et conserverai dans mon bled
Jusqu'à ma mort

Je suis un homme 7 up
Je suis un homm


Image

You know, typical Quebec stuff like that.

Image

So Astaroth, tell us about yourself. Do you think the Quiet Revolution was a true social revolution or a natural social progression inevitabl[SIZE="7"]e[/size] in any industrialized society?

Image

[YOUTUBE]ohJtvuCAsp4[/YOUTUBE]
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Post #78 by AD » Tue May 14, 2013 9:19 am

You're missing a few letters in your last sentence.

It should read "inevitability for any" or else change the "y" for an "e".



In any case... it ruins your post.
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Post #79 by senate » Thu May 16, 2013 11:53 pm

Well, it looks like the grammar mujahideen scared Astaroth off.

Anyways, next up we have "Asterix". Yet another Hab broad. This thread is quickly becoming the Tomb of the Unknown Habs Poster.

Whatever. Let's just push through this.

You may remember Asterix as one of those killjoys who complained about people posting gratuitous sexy images. He'll love this thread.

ImageImage

Anyhow, Asterix gets his username from the French comic "Asterix". The comic is about a couple of Gaulish warriors, Asterix and Obelix, who battle the Roman army across Europe with the help of a magical drink that gives them superpowers. Somehow, they manage to drag that thin premise out into seven books. The series ends with them running out of the drink at the Battle of Alesia. Obelix gets disembowed by a pilum and Asterix is captured, paraded in chains during Caesar's Triumph in Rome, and then discretely garroted. The last panel in the series is an image of Asterix's bloated corpse floating down the Tiber. A single tear rolling down from his pale, milky eyes as they look out at the sun rising behind the seven hills of Rome.

Image

Like all Franco-Belgian children's books, Asterix wasn't written to tell a story. It was written as an excuse for the author to be racist. For example:

The Adventures of Tintin

Image

The Smurfs

Image

Babar the Elephant (Hint: the rhinos are a metaphor for French Indochina)

Image

Hence, Asterix was written as an excuse for the French to make fun of their European neighbours, namely the Italians and English Although, somehow the author found a way to write in African characters into circa 50 BC Central France so he could do drawings like this:

Image

In conclusion, Asterix was racist. Which isn't that unusual for a Frenchmen. Their character matches their smell.

Also, Asterix had terrible taste in comics. Lucky Luke was a far better comic than Asterix. As any English-speaking kid living in Belgium in 1986 can tell you, Lucky Luke used to be the third best cartoon on TV (after Transformers and the Flemish translation of M*A*S*K).

Image

So Asterix, tell us about yourself. Why do you hate the female form? Why don't you treat other races with the respect and dignity they deserve? Why did you read about Asterix fighting Julius Caesar when you could have read about Lucky Luke capturing the Dalton Gang? Were you not aware that Lucky Luke is so fast that he draws his gun faster than his shadow or that he rides the smartest horse in the universe?

THE.

SMARTEST.

HORSE.

IN.

THE.

UNIVERSE.
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Post #80 by AD » Fri May 17, 2013 10:11 am

Also the fastest.
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Post #81 by IcE ColD » Fri May 17, 2013 10:37 am

Asterix was miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiles ahead of Lucky Luke. But Tintin is the best. Yes, the gay reporter is the best.
Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

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Post #82 by senate » Sun May 19, 2013 1:24 pm

Well, it looks like Asterix can't talk to us because he is too busy being drastically inferior to Lucky Luke.

Anyways, next up we have "AtlantaSportsFan".

Wait.

Atlanta?

That can't possibly be right.

Huh.

Well I'll be. Hockeybroads used to have an Atlanta Thrashers fan. How weird is that? We've never even had a Winnipeg Jets fan.

Anyhow, AtlantaSportsFan was an active poster for a whole day back in March 2009. During that time he or she made 3 posts. Curiously, none of them were on the Atlanta board. Probably because the Atlanta board had no other posters to talk to. Or maybe Hockeybroads never even had a Thrashers board. I don't remember. To be honest, I spent most of 2008-2011 robo-tripping so it is all kind of a blur. All I can remember from those three years is climbing a stepladder to punch a giraffe and writing the screenplay to Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung-Li.

Image

So AtlantaSportsFan, tell us about yourself. Do you think that Kristin Kreuk was miscast? Are you real or a joke account? Whatever happened to the tomahawk chop? Is the city of Atlanta as racist as I think it is? If so, why isn't Tintin more popular there? Is the city of Atlanta proud of all the Tyler Perry movies set there? British military historian, John Keegan, argued in his book, "The American Civil War", that the war only produced two good generals, Ulysses S. Grant and Tecumseh Sherman, what are your thoughts?
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Post #83 by senate » Mon May 20, 2013 12:15 pm

Well, it looks like AtlantaSportsFan is gone with wind or ... something, something .... Coca-Cola, CNN, 1996 Olympics, and Delta Airlines.

Anyways, next up we have "Aubrey". You may remember Aubrey from that weird "Hey it's Aubrey" thread on the Washington board. That thread, and apparently the entire Aubrey account, is some sort of weird shrine to freelance comic illustrator Aubrey Aiese.

Image

[video=youtube;JZ70IqYNv1g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ70IqYNv1g[/video]

All the posts are either reposts from her youtubeaccount or her twitteraccount. It's kind of creepy. By which I mean it is very rapey. I'm guessing Nibblet is involved somehow.

So Aubrey, tell us about yourself. What do you think of Aubrey Aiese's boyfriend Zachary Sterling?

Oh and you don't plan on murdering that girl or anything do you? I hope this doesn't become a court exhibit.
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Post #84 by senate » Mon May 20, 2013 7:31 pm

Well, it looks like Aubrey is off masturbating to whoever the 2013’s version of Boxxy is.

Anyways, next up we have “Avid”. He was another Habs broad. There is always another Habs Broads. They breed like rabbits.

Anyhow, Avid’s dead. He was murdered in 2011. Go start a fire, sit down next to it, and I shall tell you the tale of

[SIZE="5"]The Case of the Murder on the O-Train Express[/size].


[CENTER]THE CRIME[/CENTER]

In 2011, after beating Robitussin for sixth time, I became a world famous murder detective. I won’t get into how, but I couldn’t have done it without the Harper Government’s Canadian Economic Action Plan. Anyway, one day I embarked on the O-train in Greenboro so I could travel to Tunney's Pasture and do some murder solving. Shortly after I boarded, I was approached by one of the passengers, Avid, an American baker who claimed his life is in danger. He produced a small gun that he carried at all times, saying he believed it is necessary. He wanted to hire me to discover who is threatening him. Despite offering increasingly substantial sums of money, I declined Avid’s offer, saying "I do not like your face".

Image

That night, near Carleton, at about twenty-three minutes before 1:00 am, I woke to the sound of a scream. It seemed to come from the compartment next to mine, which was occupied by Avid. When I peeked out my door, I saw the conductor knock on Avid’s door and ask if he is all right. A man's voice replied in French "Ce n'est rien. Je me suis trompé", or as I heard it "Ribbit,, ribbit, ribbit", and the conductor moved on to answer another bell further down the passage. I went back to bed, but he was disturbed by the fact that the train was unusually still.

Lying awake, I heard Germz ringing the bell urgently. When I then rang the conductor for a bottle of Fiji water, I learned that Germz claimed that someone had been in his compartment. I also learned that the train was stopped as the result of a large snowdrift, thereby making the track impossible to cross. I tried to go back to sleep, only to be awakened again by a knock on my door. This time when I got up and looked out of my compartment, the passage was empty except for a woman in a scarlet kimono retreating down the passage in the distance.

Image

The next day I awoke to find that Avid was dead, having been stabbed twelve times in his sleep. It was suggested that I take the case, being so experienced with similar mysteries.

[CENTER]THE EVIDENCE[/CENTER]

The clues and circumstances of Avid’s death were very mysterious. The door to his compartment was locked and chained. One of the windows was open. Some of the stab wounds were very deep, only three are lethal, and some were glancing blows. Furthermore, some of them appear to have been inflicted by a right-handed person and some by a left-handed person. The pistol Avid carried was discovered under his pillow, unfired. A glass on the nightstand was examined and revealed to be drugged. A small pocketwatch was discovered in Avid’s pajamas, broken and stopped at 1:15.

Image

I found several more clues in the victim's cabin and on board the train, including a woman's linen handkerchief embroidered with the initial "H", a pipe cleaner, and a button from a conductor's uniform. All of these clues suggested that the murderer or murderers were somewhat sloppy. However, each clue seemingly pointed to different suspects, which suggested that some of the clues were planted.

By reconstructing parts of a burned letter that I found with my mad detective skillz, I discovered that Avid was a notorious fugitive from the United States named Cassetti. Five years earlier, Cassetti kidnapped three-year-old American heiress Daisy Armstrong. Though the Armstrong family paid a large ransom, Cassetti murdered the little girl long before the ransom deadline and fled the country with the money. Daisy's mother, Sonia, was pregnant when she heard of Daisy's death. The shock sent her into premature labour, and both she and the baby died. Her husband, Colonel Armstrong, shot himself out of grief. Daisy's nursemaid, anarmandaleb, was suspected of complicity in the crime by the police, despite her protests. She threw herself out of a window and died, although she was later proved innocent. Although Cassetti was caught, his resources allowed him to get himself acquitted on a technicality, although he still fled the country to escape further prosecution for the crime.

Image

As the evidence mounted, it continued to point in wildly different directions and it appeared that I was being challenged by a mastermind. A critical piece of missing evidence—the scarlet kimono worn the night of the murder by an unknown woman—turned up on top of my own officially licensed Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung-Li luggage.

[CENTER]THE SOLUTION[/CENTER]

After meditating on the evidence, I assembled Craig, the director of OCTranspo which owned the O-train and who happened to also be on board, and Dr. Discostu, who was also on the train (and hadn’t yet lost his medical licence), along with the thirteen suspects, in the restaurant car, and laid out two possible explanations of Avid’s murder. The first explanation was that a stranger—some baker enemy of Avid —boarded the train at Carleton, the last stop, murdered Avid for reasons unknown, and escaped unnoticed. The crime occurred an hour earlier than everyone thought, because the victim and several others failed to note that the train had just crossed into one of Ottawa’s many North-South running times zones. The other noises heard by me on the coach that evening were therefore unrelated to the murder. However, Craig and Dr. Discostu objected, saying that I must surely have been aware that this does not explain the circumstances of the case. My second explanation was a much longer and rather more sensational: all of the suspects were guilty. My suspicions were first aroused by the fact that all the passengers on the train were of so many different nationalities and social classes, and that only in the "melting pot" of the United States would a group of such different people form some connection with each other.

Image

I then revealed that the twelve other passengers on the train and the train conductor were all connected to the Armstrong family in some way:

Varvatos: Avid/Cassetti's secretary, devoted to Sonia Armstrong; Banana’s father was the district attorney for the kidnapping case. He knew from his father the details of Cassetti's escape from justice.
Sawyer: Avid/Cassetti's valet, was Colonel Armstrong's batman during the war and later his valet who also acted as butler to the Armstrong household.
AldermanBurtWard: Colonel Armstrong's comrade and best friend;
Germz: in actuality is Linda Arden (married name Goldenberg), the most famous tragic actress of the New York stage, and was Sonia Armstrong's mother and Daisy's grandmother;
Countess Banana: (née Plantain) Sonia Armstrong's sister;
Count Beakermania: was the husband of Banana;
Princess Sailor Man: Sonia Armstrong's godmother as she was a friend of her mother;
Miss SharksAddict14: Sonia Armstrong's secretary and Daisy Armstrong's governess;
Fräulein Steve Castle: Princess Sailor Man’s maid, was the Armstrong family's cook;
The Bytown Boozer: a car salesman based in Chicago, was the Armstrong family's chauffeur;
Miss VLoo: a Swedish missionary, was Daisy Armstrong's nurse;
Conductor Lord Chezz: the train conductor, was the father of anarmandaleb, the Armstrong's nursemaid who committed suicide;
IcE ColD: a private detective ostensibly retained as a bodyguard by Avid/Cassetti, was a policeman in love with anarmandaleb.

Image

All these friends and relations had been gravely affected by Daisy's murder and outraged by Cassetti's subsequent escape. They took it into their own hands to serve as Cassetti's executioners, to avenge a crime the law was unable to punish. Each of the suspects stabbed Avid once, so that no one could know who delivered the fatal blow. Twelve of the conspirators participated to allow for a "twelve-person jury". One extra berth was booked under a fictitious name–Aubrey – so that no one but the conspirators and the victim would be on board the coach, and this fictitious person would subsequently disappear and become the primary suspect in Avid’s murder. The main inconvenience for the murderers was the occurrence of a snowstorm and the last minute and unwelcome presence of me, which caused complications to the conspirators that resulted in several crucial clues being left behind.

Image

Several of the suspects broke down in tears as he has revealed their connection to the Armstrong family, and Germz confessed that the second theory was correct, but begged me to tell the authorities that he acted alone as Avid's murder. The evidence could be skewed to implicate him and he declared he would gladly go to prison if it meant the other passengers were spared. He pointed out that everyone present had suffered because of Avid's misdeeds, and that there would likely have been other victims like Daisy if Avid had gone unpunished, and that AldermanBurtWard and SharksAddict14 were in love. Sympathetic with the Armstrong family, and feeling nothing but disgust for the victim, Craig pronounced the first explanation as correct. Dr. Discostu and I agreed. Dr Discostu declared that he would edit his original report of the murder as he now "recognizes" some mistakes he has made, which clearly indicate that my first explanation was correct after all. I then declared the case closed and we all had an orgy, O-Train style.

Image

So Avid, tell us about your... oh wait, all the stuff I just said. Never mind.
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Post #85 by VLoo » Mon May 20, 2013 10:50 pm

I am never not impressed by your ability to find different .gifs of Ms. Winstead.
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Post #86 by Craig » Tue May 21, 2013 9:53 am

I made Aubrey to troll Nibblet.
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Post #87 by senate » Fri May 24, 2013 12:56 am

Well, it looks like Avid is still dead. I knew that voodoo priestess was all talk. If I had a nickel for every time someone threatened to summon Baron Samedi against me, I'd have 35 cents.

Anyways, next up we have "Avsboy". Thank god, an Avs fan. I was so sick of Montreal.

Avsboy wrote:Where would you like to live?: This one's sane - Denver (I live in Montreal...it's awful)


Oh for fuck's sake.

Ok. So, Avsboy was a Colorado fan, a Montrealer, and a virgin who never killed a man. What other interesting things can we learn about him?

Your greatest extravagance: Clam chowder


Very Freudian. This is like seeing a penis in a Rorschach blob.

Conclusion: Avsboy has homosexual tendencies.

Your favorite virtue: Being born in Burnaby


For those unfamiliar with the West coast, this is like saying your favorite virtue is being born in Mississauga.

Conclusion: Avsboy is dull.

Your favorite qualities in a man: Loudness


Kinky.

Conclusion: Avsboy is a sadomasochist.

Your favorite qualities in a woman: Legs


This is like that poker scene in the 40 Year Old Virgin.

Conclusion: There is a reason he is Avsboy and not Avsman

Your chief characteristic: Arguing


Either Avsboy didn't understand the question or I don't understand his answer.

Conclusion: Avsboy read no so good. Also, he has anger issues.

What you appreciate the most in your friends: A place to gamble


That's not what friends are for. This is what friends are for:

[YOUTUBE]uqlhBI3ES1s[/YOUTUBE]

Conclusion: Avsboy is a ludomaniac. Also, may be a sociopath.

Your main fault: Arguing


Surely anyone of being born Burnaby, living in Montreal, or being an Avalanche fan would be a better answer.

Conclusion: Avsboy lives in denial. Also, may have poor reasoning skills.

Your favourite occupation: Hostess...


Is Avsboy reminiscing about his former job as a transsexual hostess or that he is attracted to hostesses? If the later, what kind of hostess? Waitresses? Those women who seat you at restaurants? Female TV or radio hosts? Hotel manageresses? Stewardesses? Taxi dancers?

Conclusion: Avsboy has a potato chip fetish.

Your idea of happiness: It would be in a bed...


:go_on:

Conclusion: Avsboy ... is ... one ... of ... those ... people ... who ... overuses ... ellipses...

Your idea of misery: Paul Stastny


Why? He was good for a couple of seasons.

Conclusion: Avsboy is unable to reconcile his feelings towards Paul Stastny and therefore responds with anger. That or he hates Slovak-Americans.

If not yourself, who would you be?: Joe Sakic


Translation: "If you could be anyone, who would you be?" A retired athlete so I could know what it's like to have all my accomplishments behind me.

Conclusion: Avsboy is scared of his future. Wishes he lived a life where he didn't have one.

Your favorite heroes in fiction: Hmmm....Jack Bauer....definitely


All the best heroes are torturers.

Conclusion: Avsboy is a sadist. Also, he a Republican trapped in a Canadian body.

What characters in history do you most dislike: Charles the Bold, duke of Burgundy


Oh come on. If you can say one thing about Charles the Bold, it's that he was never a bore.

Conclusion: Avsboy is a Habsburg.

The natural talent I'd like to be gifted with: Joe Sakic-like wrist shot


Surely that wrist shot would be useless without all the other skills necessary for a professional hockey player.

Conclusion: If Avsboy ever got possession of a magic lamp or monkey's paw, the results would be disastrous.

Your heroes in real life: Jack Bau...Joe Sakic


Oh, just marry him already.

Conclusion: Avsboy has a poster of Joe Sakic above his bed.

How I wish to die: In a fire-y blaze


Fiery.

Conclusion: Avsboy doesn't know how to use spell check. Also, fire symbolizes passion. By wanting to die consumed by fire, Avsboy is subconsciously saying that he wants to die consumed by his passion.

What is your present state of mind: Sober


Sobriety. I don't even remember what that is like. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew. Sometimes I wonder how much of me is left and how much is me is just the robitussin. But on the bright side, I haven't coughed in years.

Conclusion: Avsboy is no fun at parties.

Your favorite motto: Grand Larsson-y


Those who would pun would pick a pocket

Conclusion: Avsboy is a kleptomaniac.

So Avsboy, tell us about yourself. If there is anything left to tell, that is.
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Post #88 by senate » Sun May 26, 2013 2:54 pm

Well, it looks like Avsboy is busy working out some Electra complex stuff.

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Anyways, next up we have "avsfan3737". You may remember avsfan3737 as a greenskeeper from Santa Cruz. Wait, you don't know anyone like that? That may be because avsfan3737 joined on April 26, 2011 and never posted, despite visiting the Hockeybroads up until March 13, 2013.

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Avsfan3737 is a lurker. He or she has good reason to be. After all, three thousand seven hundred and thirty six Avsfans had to die for him or her to get that number. Most did not die well.

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[CENTER][SIZE="5"]List of avsfans[/size][/CENTER]

avsfan (aka avsfan the first): Died after inhaling helium at a birthday party.

avsfan2: Died of Dysentery.

avsfan3: Died of Chlorea.

avsfan4: Died of Starvation.

avsfan5: Died attempting to ford a river.

avsfan6: Committed suicide after Cassetti murdered his daughter, Daisy.

avsfan7- 886: AIDS, probably contracted in the Hockeybroads Turkish Bath Forum.

avsfan887: Asphyxiated hiding in an abandoned refrigerator while playing hide and go seek.

avsfan888: Died of AIDS while attempting to ford a river.

avsfan889: Got a standby ticket on American Flight 11 after Seth McFarlane missed the flight.

avsfan890: Lost at sea in Bermuda Triangle.

avsfan 891-1111: SARS.

avsfan1112-1853: Killed in Iraq (traffic accident).

avsfan1854: Died performing at-home surgery so that he could donate ankle bone to Peter Forsberg.

avsfan1855: Changed his username to Mrs Bugg.

avsfan1856: Died of Pacman fever.

avsfan1857-1862: Raped to death by fellow servicemen while serving with the US Military in Iraq.

avsfan1863: Heroically killed in Iraq while fighting for the al-Sadr Brigade.

avsfan1864-1920: Disappeared on the Highway of Tears.

avsfan1921: Killed by Avs Broads loyal to the antiavsfan7, aka The Pirate Avsfan.

avsfan 1922: Died in a traffic accident while driving in Russia.

avsfan 1923-2213: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

avsfan2214: Died of a broken heart when Beaker left.

avsfan2215-3210: Disappeared after visiting the Habs Board, Hockeybroads’ Bermuda Triangle.

avsfan3211: Fate Unknown, presumed unstuck in time.

avsfan3212-3711: Failed the cinnamon challenge.

avsfan3712: Murdered by Avsfan3713.

avsfan3713: Choked to death while attempting to eat avfan3712’s heart to gain his power.

avsfan3714-3725: Thought they were immortals from Highlanders, decapitated each other with samurai swords they bought from those knife sharpening stalls in the mall.

avsfan3726: Eaten by bear.

avsfan3727: Died of a staph infection from a Craigslist casual encounter.

avsfan3728: Beaten to death by an unnamed Sens Broad who was intoxicated of Robitussin who thought he was the evil ghost of William Lyon McKenzie King’s dog, Pat.

avsfan3729: Shot by a man in Reno so that he could watch him die.

avsfan3730: Auto-erotic self-immolation.

avsfan3731: Auto-erotic necrosis.

avsfan3732: Run over by a DeLorean going 87mph.

avsfan3733-3735: Murdered by a time traveling avsfan3713.

avsfan3736: Died of feline leukemia.

Not included on the list: the antiavsfans (or “Avignon Avsfans” ;) .


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So avsfan3737, tell us about yourself. Do you really think you can outrun your destiny? Yours is not to reason why, avsfan3737, yours is but to post and die. So start posting already.
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Post #89 by PredsFan77 » Mon May 27, 2013 12:26 am

what in the fuck is this
CDX.NA.IG.9









[LEFT]Image[/LEFT]
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Post #90 by senate » Mon May 27, 2013 11:37 pm

Well, it looks we are going to have to wait for avsfan3738.

Anyways, next up we have "awesomerino". You may know awesomerino as the writer of the co-writer of the adrenaline-fuelled mixed martial arts action-thriller FORCED TO FIGHT. Once a legend in the brutal world of illicit underground fighting, Shane Slavin decides to turn his life around, promising his wife and young son he's fought his last battle. But when his younger brother betrays a ruthless crime boss, Shane is forced back into the arena to pay his brother's debts and to protect his family. Now Shane must confront a gauntlet of incredibly savage, no-holds-barred fights with no rules, no mercy and just two possible outcomes: win... or die fighting.

[YOUTUBE]5aI4OSx80F8[/YOUTUBE]

That's right, awesomerino is none of other than Pat Dussault! Can you believe it? We had a celebrity a celebrity not involved in litigation with Brian Burke on Hockeybroads! And not only did M. Dussault write adrenaline-fuelled mixed martial arts action-thriller blockbusters, he was also internet famous as an internet poster. He got written up in a rambling article in the Montreal Gazette for his posting on Hockey Inside/Out, which is or was apparently a website about hockey. Possibly ice. He also got his wedding announced on Hockeybuzz, which is most definitely not a website about hockey. And to top it all off, he made 73 posts about NHL 94 on the unofficial NHL 94 message forums.

M. Dussault lasted a whole 21 posts and twelve days before he left forever. The Habs board hasn't been the same since. It was like losing Patrick Roy. M. Dussault was an irreplaceable, generational talent. The Habs board will never be that good again. Kind of like how Izabelle Desjardins will never be as pretty as she was before she got that arm tattoo.

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(Yes, I know she has the tattoo in those pictures)

So awesomerino, tell us about yourself. Why did you have to ruin the fun by actually generating results when I googled your username? Whatever happened to all those pretty Musiqueplus VJS from the late 90s? Will Shane Slavin be back in another adrenaline-fuelled mixed martial arts action-thriller adventure? Will the next user profile be this boring?
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Post #91 by Germz » Tue May 28, 2013 10:29 am

Is Burnaby really that bad? I was halfway there when I was staying near East Hastings and Victoria last year, and that was nice. Does it get so much worse only 2 km further east?
senate wrote:As goes the Canadian Senate, so go the Ottawa Senators.
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Post #92 by Twitter bArt » Wed May 29, 2013 12:11 pm

you guys mind if I hang out in here today
:mkbét::lr: :lr:



OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone



It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.



Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."



...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...



Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.




:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #93 by senate » Wed May 29, 2013 7:58 pm

Well, awesomerino is on the last page so I don't care about him anything.

Anyways, next up we have "Aydee". You may remember Aydee as generic Hab Poster #1A, but he was much more than that.

He was also a pedophile.

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You see, Aydee, a literary scholar or lawyer or something – to be honest I never really cared enough to learn - harboured a long-time obsession with young girls, or "nymphets". He suggested that this was caused by the premature death of a childhood sweetheart, anarmandaleb . After an unsuccessful marriage and having recovered from a mental breakdown, Aydee moved to the small Montreal suburb to write. He rented a room in the house of Suzann Knudsen, a widow. When Charlotte showed him around the house, Humbert met her 12-year-old daughter, lollyamy, known as "Lo", "Lola", or "Dolly" with whom he immediately became infatuated, partly due to her uncanny resemblance to anarmandaleb, and privately nicknames her "Lolita". Aydee stayed at the house only to remain near her. While he is obsessed with lollyamy, he disdained her crassness and preoccupation with contemporary popular culture, such as Hannah Montana and Glee.

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While Dolores was away at summer camp, Suzann Knudsen, who has fallen in love with Aydee, told him that he must either marry her or move out. Aydee agreed to marry Charlotte in order to continue living near Lolita. Suzann Knudsen was oblivious to Aydee’s distaste for her, as well as his lust for Lolita, until she read his diary. Having learnt of Aydee’s true feelings and intentions, Suzann Knudsen planned to flee and send Lolita to a reform school, and threatened to expose Aydee as a "detestable, abominable, criminal fraud." However, fate intervened on Aydee’s behalf as Suzann Knudsen was struck and killed by a passing car as she ran from him in shock.

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Aydee picked Lolita up from camp, pretending that Suzann Knudsen had only been hospitalised. Rather than return to Suzann Knudsen’s home, Aydee took Lolita to a hotel, where he gave her sleeping pills. He then tried molesting Lolita but the sedative was too mild. Instead, she initiated sex the next morning, having slept with a boy at camp. Later, Aydee revealed to Lolita that Suzann Knudsen was dead, giving her no choice but to accept her stepfather into her life on his terms or face foster care.

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Lolita and Aydee drove around the country, moving from province to province and motel to motel. Aydee saw the necessity of maintaining a common base of guilt to keep their relations secret, and wanted denial to become second nature for Lolita. He told her if he is arrested, she would become a ward of the government and lose all her clothes and belongings. He also bribed her for sexual favours, though he knew that she did not reciprocate his love and shared none of his interests. After a year touring Canada, the two settled down in another an East Township town, where Lolita was enrolled in a girls school. Aydee became very possessive and strict. He forbid Lolita from taking part in after-school activities or associating with boys. However, most of the townspeople saw this as the action of a loving and concerned, though old-fashioned, parent.

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Eventually, Lolita begged to be allowed to take part in the school play, and Aydee reluctantly granted his permission in exchange for more sexual favours. Just before opening night, Lolita and Aydee had a ferocious argument, and Lolita ran away. Aydee searched frantically for her and eventually found her exiting a phone booth. She was in a bright, pleasant mood, and said that she tried to reach him at home and that a "great decision has been made." Lolita declared that she doesn't care about the play anymore and instead wanted to leave town to resume their travels.

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As Lolita and Aydee drove westward again, Aydee got the feeling that their car was being tailed and became increasingly paranoid, suspecting that Lolita was conspiring with others in order to escape. Soon, she fell ill and had to be taken to a hospital. A few nights later, Lolita disappeared from the hospital. The staff told Aydee that her "uncle" checked her out. Aydee embarked upon a frantic search to find Lolita and her abductor, but eventually gave up. During this time, Aydee has a two-year relationship with an adult named Mrs Bugg, whom he described as a "kind, good sport." One day Aydee received an email from Lolita, now 17, telling him that she was married, pregnant, and in desperate need of money. When Aydee visited her, she revealed the truth: the n00b king, an acquaintance of Suzann Knudsen and the writer of the school play, checked her out of the hospital. They travelled together for a few months, but then he tried to get her star in one of his pornographic films. She refused and he threw her out. She worked odd jobs for several months before meeting and marrying her husband, BlackRedGold, who knew nothing about her past. Aydee asked Lolita to leave her husband and live with him, but she refused. He gave her a large sum of money anyway, which secured her future.

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Then Aydee got depressed and died of a coronary thrombosis.

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So Aydee, I do believe I failed you. Aydee I know I've let you down. Don't you know I tried so hard? To love you in my way. It's easy let it go. Aydee, I'm empty since you left Hockeybroads (by dying of coronary thrombosis). I’m trying to find a way to carry on. I search myself and everyone to see where we went wrong. Cause there's no one left to finger. There's no one here to blame. There's no one left to talk to, honey. And there ain't no one to buy our innocence. Aydee I thought that we could make it. But I know I can't change the way you feel. I leave you with your misery. A friend who won't betray. I pull you from your tower, I take away your pain and show you all the beauty you possess. If you'd only let yourself believe that. Cause we are born innocent. Believe me Aydee, we are still innocent. It's easy, we all falter. Does it matter?
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Post #94 by Roger Sterling » Thu May 30, 2013 2:16 am

Germz wrote:Is Burnaby really that bad? I was halfway there when I was staying near East Hastings and Victoria last year, and that was nice. Does it get so much worse only 2 km further east?


North Burnaby is nice, but outside of that, nothing much to write home about. You have Metropolis @ Metrotown and then you have new Condo developments all over that area, it's pretty much just condo's and a giant ass mall. Kind of like West Ed, just not as lame or trying as hard to be "THE Place to be!"
[CENTER][font="Georgia"]“When God closes a door, he opens a dress.”[/font]
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[/CENTER]
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Post #95 by Roger Sterling » Thu May 30, 2013 2:17 am

Also, this thread is pretty awesome. Broads HOF material.
[CENTER][font="Georgia"]“When God closes a door, he opens a dress.”[/font]

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Post #96 by Aydee » Thu May 30, 2013 8:46 am

Lies. I don't keep a diary!

And yes, it does matter.
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Post #97 by IcE ColD » Thu May 30, 2013 10:09 am

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Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

David Wong - 19/12/2016
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Post #98 by senate » Sun Jun 02, 2013 3:14 pm

Well, looks like Aydee is still alive. Until that changes, any parents with children who use Hockeybroads.com should disable their child's personal messaging.

Anyways, next up we have "Ayman's member". You may remember Ayman's member as a public health initiative launched by the Hockeybroads mods to increase awareness of male sexual health issues to Hockeybroads' mostly male audience. And what better way to promote male health than by pretending that the account was really run by a Broad's penis?

Ayman's member started out by posting random, but informative, health facts, like this:

Ayman's member wrote:Always wear a condom. Latex condoms decrease the risk of pregnancy by 85 to 98 percent, the risk of contracting HIV by 85%, and the risk of contracting HPV by 70%.


Ayman's member wrote:Check your testicles for any strange lumps at least once a month. If you find any, see a doctor immediately.


Ayman's member wrote:If it takes you a long time to achieve orgasm, your penis may be desensitized from overuse. Abstain from sex and masturbation for a week and normal sensation should return. If it doesn’]

Pretty soon, however, Ayman's member ran out of facts and his or her radical beliefs started seeping into his or her posts.

Ayman's member wrote:One in four American women has genital herpes. So when you are in America for a business trip be sure to ask the escort agency for an immigrant call girl.


Ayman's member wrote:Remember: it’]

Ayman's member wrote:Circumcision is male genital mutilation and the parents, doctors, and religious leaders who allow it to happen should be prosecuted in The Hague for crimes against humanity.


Ayman's member wrote:You can restore your lost foreskin by attaching heavy weights to the skin at the base of your penis. Over the course of months, that skin can be stretched until it covers the tip.


After posting nearly a dozen graphic picture posts showing foreskin restoration in action, Ayman's member appears to have had some sort of psychotic break.

Ayman's member wrote:Did you know: having unprotected sex with virgin girls not only restores your youth, it also increasing your martial strength and cures your STDs?


Ayman's member wrote:If a farmer lets you sleep in his barn, don’]

Ayman's member wrote:Evanescence is a good band.


Ayman's member's final posts are just random letters. I think they are the result of him or her just slapping his limp penis or her dangly labia against the keyboard.

Ayman's member wrote:kkkkkjmjkkjmjkklk,klk


Ayman's member wrote:asraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Ayman's member wrote:m jm n b hbj mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmmmmmmmmmmmmjnnnnnnnnnjjjjjjjjjjjnjmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnjjjjjjjj


It was at that point that Ayman's member was fired. All in all, not the worst poster to ever come out of the Habs board.

So Ayman's member, tell us about yourself. Did you fail Generic Username or did Generic Username fail you? Can a woman get pregnant from sex in a pool? Why are the farmer's families so into glory holes?
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Post #99 by Ayman's member » Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:06 am

Remember kids, its not sexual harassment unless you decide that you're not cool enough to learn something new and fun which you'll enjoy for the rest of your life.

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