Meet the Broads

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Post #151 by IcE ColD » Thu Sep 05, 2013 10:05 am

I *think* he was an Oilers fan..
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Post #152 by senate » Thu Sep 05, 2013 12:53 pm

Banana wrote:Wasn't he a Bruins fan? Oilers?

Are your researchers and writers on strike Senate?


It was retconned. This thread is canon. He is now, and therefore was always, unaffiliated.

I do my own research. Mostly with Ouija boards and divining rods, if I am lucky I find a dead bird on the side of the road and read its entrails. Sometimes, when things get really rough, I have to resort to praying to the true lord and savior Jesus Christ and he through his grace the truth of all things is shone on my soul.

The writing is farmed out to some kids in Quezon City. The quality of their work has really dropped since Typhoon Utor. I think some of them drowned. Or maybe some of them just starved to death marathoning DOTA2 again. How should I know? I don't speak Filipino.
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Post #153 by Craig » Thu Sep 05, 2013 1:13 pm

I can't wait to find out what that pigeon tells me my favourite team is.
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Post #154 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:12 am

Well, it looks like BCB’s entry is on another page so I won’t be referencing anything from it in this sentence.

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Anyways, next up we have “bcool”, a Leafs Broad. That is to say, he or she is a fan, by which I mean a person with a strong admiration for, the Toronto Maple Leafs, a National Hockey League Franchise located in the Canadian city of Toronto, Ontario (43°42′N 79°24′W).

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Bcool was active on Hockeybroads for a little six months in 2010. During which time he or she made 122 posts and received only rep. That rep was for this post:

bcool wrote:Personally, I would add Stamkos or St.Louis. But I bet they add either Carter or Stamkos.

There's word that Getzlaf should be ok for the Olympics though..so all this talk could be for nothing.



And that earned him a rep from RTWAP. That little post was all it took for RTWAP to shower bcool with praise. Want to know the last time RTWAP repped me? I don’t even remember. It seems as though RTWAP is too busy showering love on his T.O. boy toys to remember us old maid Sen spinsters.

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Go on and go, RTWAP, walk out that door, just turn around now, ‘case you aren’t welcome on the Sens board anymore. Weren’t you the one who thought you could hurt me by repping Bcool? Did you think I would crumble? Did you think I would lay down and die? Oh, not senate, senate will survive. Oh, as long as senate knows where to get robitussin, senate'll know he will stay alive. Senate’s got all his life to live, senate’s got all his rep to give and senate will survive. Oh senate will survive.

[YOUTUBE]I-7GzYuPP7M[/YOUTUBE]

So bcool, tell us about yourself? What does RTWAP’s dick taste like? Also, should I have gone with You Oughta Know there instead?

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Post #155 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:46 am

Well, it looks like bcool can’t type with his hands and mouth full.

Anyways, next up we have “bcv”, a supposed Habs board.

I say “supposed” because as anyone with a high school diploma knows, bcv stands for Banco Central de Venezuela. That’s right BCV isn’t a person, it’s the Venezuelan central bank.

But why was a bank posting on Hockeybroads, IcE ColD may ask? Simple: weapons.

When the “troubles” started in Libya in 2010, the Gaddafi regime came desperate need of weapons, but few countries would sell to them. One country that would, however, was Hugo Chavez’s Venezuela. Fearing UN sanctions, Venezuela could not risk a paper trail. So, the Gaddaffi arranged to funnel their payments through their Montreal consigliere, Banana, to the Venezuelan government. To coordinate these payments, Banana and bcv communicated in code on the Montreal board using made up words like "Avtsin", "Kristo", and "Gallagher".

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Eventually Libya fell and the payments ceased. To erase paper trail, Banana used his mod powers to edit the dates on bcv’s posting history. And now the whole incident is forgotten like so many unmarked mass graves in the desert.

So bcv, tell us about yourself? Has the inflation problem lessened with the death of Chavez? What rates do you offer on bonds? Did Banana's blood money go to further lessening liberty in your country? How does one go about getting a mortgage on a Caracas villa?
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Post #156 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:43 am

Well, it looks like bcool can’t type with his hands and mouth full.

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Anyways, next up we have "bdp baby", a Sens broad. Or at least he better be, considering who is father and uncle is.

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You may remember bdp baby as already being done in this thread.

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So bdp baby, fuck off. This thread doesn't do second chances.

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Post #157 by AD » Fri Sep 06, 2013 8:33 am

You skipped bcv
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Post #158 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:37 am

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Post #159 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:13 pm

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two ways I can deal with the Stasi-esque censorship of this thread: I can accept it with good humour and move on, or I can be a whiny little bitch about it and pout about it with increasingly grandiose dramatics until the day I die.

As a Quebecker, a Middle Easterner, and a Muslim, I’m sure Banana can appreciate the one I've chosen.
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Post #160 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:13 pm

THIS THREAD IS CLOSED>
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Post #161 by senate » Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:14 pm

FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!
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Post #162 by Craig » Fri Sep 06, 2013 10:55 pm

Senate, if you ever find yourself dealing with unfunny banana abuses of power in the future, it's best to come to me directly. I have some experience in these matter.
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Post #163 by IcE ColD » Sun Sep 08, 2013 10:30 am

... you 2nd rate Habs fan...

I scream TRAITOR!!
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Post #164 by AD » Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:00 am

.....
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Post #165 by senate » Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:24 am

This thread is delayed because I lost some skin in my hand from over-masturbating to pictures of Bea Arthur. Also, for legal purposes, I had to fake my death this weak. You wouldn't believe the amount of work it takes to stage a train accident. Turns out it is just easier to cause a real one. Anyways, I will get around to posting something by this weekend.

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Post #166 by senate » Sat Sep 21, 2013 9:13 pm

Well, it looks like bcool is too busy hanging out with his butt buddy RTWAP to talk to us.

Anyways, next up we have “beaarthur", a Sens broad.

There are two possibilities behind beaarthur’s username. The first is that he is National Post columnist doing a weird phonetic spelling of his first initial. This is unlikely because beaarthur has yet to make any posts aggrandizing the Leafs or the Canucks.

The second, and likely, possibility is that he is named after the deceased actress, Bea Arthur, who has a very large, ironic cult following on the internet. Which I don’t get at all. Why is Bea Arthur so popular? Is it because she looked like a man? No, that would mean that the Sens Board has transphobics on it and sensens wouldn’t be comfortable there if that was true.

So what else could it be? Was it her work? What has she ever done? Maude? That show ran for six years and the only thing that people remember about it is that Maude had an abortion. That episode was meant to be a social commentary about woman’s rights and morality, but really the lesson of that episode is that men will fuck anything.

[YOUTUBE]zxy0DTMXhwY[/YOUTUBE]


The Star Wars Holiday Special? Well maybe, but how many people have actually watched that?

[YOUTUBE]RzXKySxPFCI[/YOUTUBE]

Golden Girls? Bea Arthur, aka Dorothy Zbornak was the third worst Golden Girl. Rose Nylund was played by Betty White and therefore the worst by default. Also, the character was a rip off of Woody from Cheers, except sluttier. Blanche Devereaux was not only a whore, she was a Southerner and ipso facto a virulent racist. Dorothy had no personality whatsoever other than being a watered down version of Maude.

No, the best Golden Girl was Sophia Petrillo. She was the oldest, she was the meanest, she was the snarkiest, and it is repeatedly alluded to that she was a hitman for the Chicago mob during prohibition.

[YOUTUBE]HSL0jVe1MkI[/YOUTUBE]

So beaarthur, tell us about yourself. Why aren’t isn’t your username estellegetty? What is your view on abortion? Do you think the Holiday Special was an omen for prequels? No, honestly, why the fuck isn’t your username estellegetty?
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Post #167 by senate » Sat Sep 21, 2013 9:23 pm

Well, it looks like bearthur isn’t estellegetty yet. There is no accounting for taste. Or the lack thereof.

Anyways, next up we have “beanpole”. Beanpole is not a member of any board and has never posted on Hockeybroads. That’s because beanpole is the account of the South Korean clothing company and Samsung subsidiary, Beanpole.

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You may remember Beanpole as the official clothing of Hockeybroads.

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You should have gotten a bunch of their stuff in your welcome packet that Hockeybroads sent you after you signed up here. If you have yet to receive your complementary clothing package, please contact a A Despondent Soul on here. He'd love to help you.

So beanpole, tell us about yourself. Why is a clothing company owned by Samsung? Are the rumours about plastic surgery in South Korean actors, models, and K-Pop stars true? Are pea coats still in style this winter? Would I look several years out of date if I bought one?
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Post #168 by Germz » Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:13 pm

There are only three s's in sensens.

I know this because he is beyond the shadow of a doubt the finest poster on this site, and I have copied and pasted all of his posts into the "Hot stories" folder on my flash drive.
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Post #169 by senate » Wed Sep 25, 2013 12:27 am

Well, looks like beanpole is busy getting their great new fall line into a quality store near you.


Anyways, next up we have “beast”. You don’t know beast, even though he has over 10,000 posts, because he is a Toronto broad. If Hockeybroads were a party, one, it would be a sausagefest; two, Leaf broads would be that weird social clique that hangs out in the kitchen and never socializes with the rest of the party.

Anyhow, this beast guy you've never heard of has had not one, not two, not thirty two, but eight different user names. Let’s see if you recognize any of them.

1) Epik. Beast took this name after the English Program in Korea, a South Korean government program whose official purpose is to increase the quality of English language teaching in South Korean schools. The actual purpose was to lure in pretty female American and Canadian college grads by convincing them that teaching English in Korea is a great way to see the world while getting paid for it. Unfortunately, the actual outcome of the program is that it attracts weird male American and Canadian college grads who have neck beards and wear fedoras with black trench coats on sunny summer days. Beast was one of the later.

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2) Moustache Ride. Beast took this name because it is a humorous euphemism for a man performing oral sex on a woman. Please not that any woman willing to engage in sexual activity with a man with a moustache has V.D. Probably all of them or at least the big ones.

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3) Beast Mode. Beast took this name because it was more than meets the eye. And. That’s. Just. Prime.

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4) Memento. As in the Chirstopher Nolan movie with the reverse plot. Beast took this name because the movie’s untraditional structure makes dumb people feel smart because they can still follow the story.

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5) Woooooooooooooo. Beast took this name because it is a onomatopoeia for a train’s whistle and beast has a train fetish.

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6) teamsheike. Beast took this name after the sexual act where a man builds a model train set of a coal mining town. At the end of the tract is unfinished bridge that leads to a “the colliery pit”, aka the man’s unwashed rectum.

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7) Ron Burgundy. Beast took this name because in 2012 he blackouted from blood loss teamsheiking and thought he traveled back in time to 2005, when Anchor Man references were still considered cool.

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8) beast. Beast took his current username in honour of Beauty and the Beast, a children’s movie which he has become increasingly obsessed with. That’s why he hasn’t posted in a month. The guy is super into cosplay now.

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So beast, tell us about yourself. Did you buy any fashionable Beanpole clothing during your stay in South Korea? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much herpes did you get from the moustache sex? Did you cry when Dinobot died? I was little harsh on Memento wasn't I? Steam or bullet? What gauge track do you use? Remember when it was really hot outside and he was drinking milk? Why didn't Beast's lands and title of nobility vest to someone else when he was a monster?
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Post #170 by senate » Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:50 pm

Well, looks like I don’t remember the last guy and that last post is too tl;dr for me to reference in this opening sentence.

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Anyways, next up we have “BedBeats”. You may know BedBeats as a Canucks broad or as the guy who was so fucking boringthat he almost killed this thread. (Come on everyone, you are competing against Grand Theft Auto 5 now, be more interesting if you want this to continue. I’m looking at you, Beeferoni and Beekar81).

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Anyhow, BedBeats’ username is reference to masturbation. It is no wonder that BedBeats has to resort to masturbation. What woman, or man, would want to fuck the man who made this music? I don’t even have the heart to make fun of it anymore. It would be like pushing a cerebral palsy down an escalator. It will be funny the first five minutes, but I’d feel terrible about it for a couple of hours until I lose interested in having any personal character growth and forget about it.

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So BeadBeats, tell us about yourself. What is it like being tone death? Why are you incapable of saying anything interesting? Who still has a Myspace page?
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Post #171 by senate » Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:57 pm

Well, looks like Bedbeats is busy focusing on his, for lack of an accurate word, "music".

Anyways, next up we have “Beef Invictus”, a Flyers broad.

Beef Invictus takes him name from his rampant racism. Let me explain. Remember that movie Invictus, about that South African NFL team that won the World Championship of Football – even there was no such thing as the World Championship of Football and no one on Matt Damon’s team knew the rules of football and didn't even have a regulation ball but the whole world just played along because they thought it would make Nelson Mandela happy? Well, Beef Invictus hates that movie (or in other words, he has “beef” with it) because it celebrates post-Apartheid South America and, like I said earlier, Beef Invictus is an enormous racist. You may remember him from his old Hockey Boards usernames Apartheid Phil and TheGrandDragonofWestPhiladelphia_69XXX.

Although strangely enough, Beef Invictus isn’t South African, but American, and as such lacks the basic geographical knowledge to identify South Africa on a map. In fact, if it wasn’t for Lethal Weapon 2, he wouldn’t even know that the place existed.

Anyhow, most of Beef Invictus’ post are slurs against Wayne Simmonds, Ray Emery, Pernell Subban, or Anson Carter. Usually stuff comparing them to non-hominini primates. You probably never noticed it because Hockeybroads is an pretty racist place but posters pretend they are doing it ironically and therefore it doesn’t count. Much like how a former roommate was “totally super straight” but watched tranny porn ironically because it was “hilarious”.

So Beef Invictus, tell us about yourself. What is it like having a black President? Do you think i shuold I re-read these post for speeling and grammer? No, Im sure its fin>
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Post #172 by senate » Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:05 pm

Well, looks like Beef Invictus is too busy trying to smuggle bananas into the Wells Fargo Center.

Anyways, next up we have “beeferoni”, a Leaf poster as interesting as his namesake is tasteful. So yeah, like sex with an Episcopalian, this post is something to endured, not enjoyed.

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So what do we know about beeferoni. We can extrapolate that he is completely devoid of and that he is either a child with parents who never wanted a child and as such have no concern for his health, a university student who severely over-estimates his metabolism, or one of those guys with the beer bellies so big that it droops down longer than his shirt. In other words, a run of the mill Leafs fan. Also, he eats Beefaroni but doesn’t know how to spell it correctly.

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Other fun facts about beeferoni: He is from Etobicoke. Meaning he has probably either bought from or sold drugs to the Ford brothers. He is either 30 or 33, depending on how the age counter works on vBulletin. His interests are “skateboarding, then hockey, then beer, then ladies, in that order”. A man in his thirties who is more into standing on a piece of wood with castors than sex. Sorry, that was presumptive of me. More than sex with adult women. Beer no doubt ranks so high because he needs to be interested in the ladies.

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So beeferoni, tell us about yourself. Just kidding. No one gives a fuck about you, fatty.
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Post #173 by senate » Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:16 pm

Well, looks like beeferoni fingers are now too fat to type.

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Anyways, next up we have “beekar81”, a Canucks broad.

[YOUTUBE]_wbAIQWE4fk[/YOUTUBE]

Or at least I think he or she is a Canucks fan. Of the 856 not lost posts beekar81 has made on Hockeybroads, 12 have been on the Canucks forum. 843 posts have been on the White Noise Keeper League forum. That forum is apparently not a honey pot for catching spam bots but some sort of discussion board for keeper leagues. Keeper leagues, for those that don’t know, are overly elaborate hockey pools for pathetic little mice of men who like to fantasize that they are hockey GMs but lack the computer acumen to play EHM or EA Sports NHL series.

[YOUTUBE]JGA4fNRmcdU[/YOUTUBE]

So beekar81, tell us about yourself. Why the hell do you come here for a fucking keeper league? Do you have a gambling problem? Is weekly team-by-team player stats page in the newspaper like pornography to you? Is your life as boring to live as it is to write about? Is beekar pronounced “beaker” or “becker”? Did this post make everyone wish that I had stopped writing on this thread months ago?
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Post #174 by senate » Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:24 pm

Well, looks like beekar81 is busy touching himself while fantasizing that he is Rick Dudley.

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Anyways, next up we have “BeerLeague”. BeerLeague has no board affiliation because BeerLeague never posted on Hockeybroads.

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BeerLeague was an accomplished athlete in high school, good enough to once get a trial out for a Junior B team. BeerLeague, however, never found the time for organized sports in university and being so a natural athlete, he had never needed to exercise in high school, so he never made time for working out. As the years became decades, BeerLeague graduated, got an office job, got married, started a family, and ballooned to 263 pounds. At the age of 38, BeerLeague was told by his doctor that he needed to lose weight.

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So, despite being so devoid of cardio conditioning that he got winded carrying groceries in from his driveway, BeerLeague decided to join a hockey beer league. On his second shift, he died of a heart attack on the ice while trying to climb over the boards. Banana, Hockeybroads oracle of death, had sent him a PM four days prior foretelling him of his death. His life could have been saved by a defibrillator, but Lifer never got around to installing one at the rink.

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So BeerLeague, tell us about death. In lieu of that, tell us who among Hockeybroads will be the next to pass over to the other side, Banana. It's Bytown Boozer isn't it? Is one of his one night stands is going to steal his liver or will he succumb to some sort of fruit fly malaria? Can you tell how bad are the Senators playing that I've bothered to do any of these?

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Post #175 by dicu » Fri Nov 01, 2013 3:57 am

I am Blues fan
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Post #176 by dicu » Fri Nov 01, 2013 6:25 pm

I'm jaroslav halak irl so no
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Post #177 by senate » Fri Nov 08, 2013 7:44 pm

Well, it looks like BeerLeague is still a chilling reminder of the importance of daily cardiovascular exercise.

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Anyways, next up we have “Behind Enemy Lines”. You may remember Behind Enemy Lines as part of that short lived infestation of Oilers fans that Hockeybroads had three years ago.

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I only met Behind Enemy Lines once. A colonel gathered a bunch of new recruits together, gave us rifles, and threw us immediately into battle. I encountered Behind Enemy Lines in the ensuing rout. I was hiding in a nearby gully when I heard a man scream. I snuck over to investigate and discovered Behind Enemy Lines. He had lost his footing and sprained his ankle. He begged me to go get help. I explained to him that was impossible, that we were cut off and BEHIND ENEMY LINES. Unfortunately, he was in shock and couldn't understand. I became worried that his yelling would attract the enemy pickets, so, for his safety as well as mine, I bashed his head with rock.

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We hid in the gully for several hours until, while applying my almond lip balm, I noticed the telltale smell of gangrene. I knew that I didn’t act quick, the still unconscious Behind Enemy Lines would surely die. Luckily for him, I always carry several shivs on me. It took me nearly an hour to cut off his ankle. But I wasn’t happy with the end result. It was too asymmetrical and jaggy. So, being a perfectionist, I tried again, this time at the knee. It was good, but not great so I tried one more time at the hip. I wasn’t happy with that cut either, but night had fallen and I was bored. I picked Behind Enemy Lines up and escaped back to where my army’s camp was that morning. By the time I got there, it was empty. Everyone was gone. The re-enactment only ran to 3pm. Satisfied that I had acted in accordance with how a Union conscript would have in the similar situation, I dropped my character, dumped Behind Enemy Lines in the parking lot, and went back to my Holiday Inn Express.

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Behind Enemy Lines would go on to make a full recovery. Well, more or less. He never got the leg back, of course, and he has a lot of brain damage, but other than that he is fine. Oh, and thanks to the six months he spent in hospital, Behind Enemy Lines was able to discover Owen Wilson’s 2001 classic, Behind Enemy Lines, from which he took his username.

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So Behind Enemy Lines, tell us about yourself. How was I supposed to know that you were a hiker and not part of the re-enactment? Who the hell hikes in a state park during a Civil War re-enactment, anyways? How’s the limp? Should we call you Lefty because you only have a left leg or Righty because you don't have a right one? How is your head? Are you still having problems seeing faces, having constant headaches, and being angry all the time? Well, look on the sunnier side of things. Chicks dig scars and an amputation is like a really giant scar so whip that stump next time you are at the club and you’ll be knee dee.... ummm ... make that up to your ears in pussy. And they say you should judge books by their cover so if anything not being able to visually process faces is a blessing. It's easier for you to see the beauty on people's insides now. As for the migraines, everyone gets headaches. I get headaches a lot too when I’m coming down from the Robitussin and you don't see me asking for damages about it in a civil suit. And I’m angry a lot too. Although with me it is mostly about immigrants. But also a little at you, Behind Enemy Lines. It isn't the lawsuit or criminal charges that hurt the most, it is that you never sent me a thank you card for all the things I did for you. Dick move, Behind Enemy Lines, dick move. That’s why we can’t be friends.

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Post #178 by senate » Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:32 am

Well, apparently Behind Enemy Lines was nothing but a thinly veiled excuse to post photos of Mary Elizabeth Winstead taking off her shirt.

Anyways, next up we have Beigne, a Montreal Canadiens broad. Remember them? I do. There are just so many. I don’t dream anymore. I only have nightmares of Habs broad bios. The doctors say I have PTSD. But these are the same doctors who won’t shut up about my "alarmingly" "high" “dark triad” scores so what do they know.

Anyways, Beigne (which is the French word for inflatable hemorrhoid pillow) is a very respected poster on the Habs board. Unfortunately, a lot of his posts are in the language of syphilis instead of the English so most of Hockeybroads has never gotten to enjoy Beigne’s writings.

No worries though, I’m going to change all that. Here is a sampling of Beigne’s work, in the internet's Lingua Franca for the first time.

Beigne wrote:moi jlis pas la presse jregarde les images sur la presse + :danson:

la section affaires c'est la pire disgrace du journal! Michel Girard c'est un total attardé


"Robocop, you stay under me, Im not touching this AIDS covered shit!"

"Computed Batman. I don't need to move myself, my adapted penis is capable of indepedent movements."

"Robocop laid on the bed, waiting for Batman ass to come and involve his machine pumping ready member. Batman removed his gloves, his pants, his cape and his shirt. He was only dressed with his boots, to not touch the bed, his Bat-Utilities-Belt and his mask. His dick was very hard, because this was the first time Batman would make love with a cyborg man."


Beigne wrote:asteure on est rendu dans la complaisance.

Suit IcE!


"Fine but I must first be attending to important business." Said Garfield as he picked up Kate Middleton and brought her to royal bedroom where he could show her how real cats love women.

"Garfield I want you to joust me like valiant knight." Kate Middleton cried out with desire.

Garfield then rode Kate Middleton like mighty knight taming wild stallion. With mighty force Garfield Jousted Kate Middleton with manly lance into late hours of night and all heard sound of their romances.

The end...?


Beigne wrote:Quel age a Chris?


Anne [Frank] looked on in awe, not sure what was going on. At first, it seemed like her lover would win the battle, but now she was not so sure. Goku now seemed scared of his opponent, and it was for a good reason. Hitler continued to speak "Goku, can't you see? I've reached a power level 10 TIMES anything you've ever achieved! Your fate is sealed, weakling." Even though the battle seemed unwinnable, Goku charged in, screaming at the top of his lungs. Every blow he struck with was deflected off of Hitler's rock hard body. Hitler waited for Goku to tire himself out, then raised his fist and punched Goku. And one punch was enough. Goku was knocked across the street into a large propaganda poster of Hitler, thudding to the cold, hard ground. Hitler laughed, thinking that victory was in his hands at last. Goku, however, was not ready to give up. Bruised and battered, he rose from the ground, limping in Hitler's direction. The Nazi leader laughed. "You still want to fight? Don't you know when to give up, boy? You can hardly walk. And you expect to beat ME? Conqueror of Europe?" Goku ignored Adolf's taunts as he continued to stumble his way forward. Finally, the two archrivals were standing face to face. Goku stared Hitler into the eye, then screamed "This... is for LOVE!" and flew up into the sky, his hair turning blonde, his eyes blue, and an aura of power radiating from him. Hitler looked on in horror at Goku. He had made the ultimate achievement. He had become a Super Ultra Power Saiyan. Goku made a cup shape with his hands, aiming at Hitler, as he belted out the words "Kame... Hame... HAAAAA!" as a beam of pure energy shot at his enemy, disintegrating the Nazi leader's body. Goku then collapsed to the ground in a heap, exhausted from the fight. Two years later: Anne and Goku had finally reached the date of their wedding. After the battle, Anne and Goku destroyed the time machine and took a boat to Australia. They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start over. The two young people looked into each others eyes as they kissed, as the reverend pronounced them man and wife. Finally, it seemed, Anne was at peace. And they would always be together, until the end of time.


Beigne wrote:I wish :(


"Blip Blop Blop!" said R2-D2. This was his first time fucking a robot. He was completely virgin, and was very ashamed he had to expose his intimacy in front of an audience of millions. But their lifes were at stake, so he must swallow all of his prejudcies and engage full head in this life altering experience.

"Leia" said Optimus," hang on!" and Leia hold very harder Optmus dick. Optimus got up a bit and gave space to R2-D2. Leia was hanging on Optimus dick while R2-D2 seached the best cordinates to penetrate Optimus experimental anus. Luckly for him, Prime's anus was automated to adjust the best diameter for foreign objects entering him.R2-D2 positioned and Optimus seated on him.

"Don't be afraid" said Optimus to R2 "I'll help you!" and Optimus bowels lights got on. Everything wwas iluminated and R2 really saw what it really was. A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place. A camera apppeared from a wall and photographed R2-D2, and immediatelly put a portrait of him on a the bowel wall.


Anyhow, I better quit before this gets tl;dr.

So Beigne, tell us about yourself. Why does a robot have an anus? Was Anne Frank the age of consent for Goku to marry? Do you think Guy Lafleur really needs those circulation machines for his feet? Wouldn't Garfield's barbed cat penis destroy Kate Middleton's vagina? Since when does Batman swear?
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Post #179 by IcE ColD » Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:56 am

RIP Beigne, you are sorely missed.

Or you are missing sores.

Ooooh fuck it, m'en va me r'coucher.
Society is actually a bunch of flawed primates guided by selfishness, fear, and superstitious bullshit.

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Post #180 by Germz » Sat Dec 07, 2013 11:13 am

Le français c'est vraiment the language of love.
senate wrote:As goes the Canadian Senate, so go the Ottawa Senators.
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Post #181 by Twitter bArt » Thu Dec 19, 2013 11:57 pm

Germz wrote:Le français c'est vraiment the language of love.


sti de con
:mkbét::lr: :lr:

OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone

It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.

Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."

...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...

Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.


:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #182 by senate » Tue Dec 24, 2013 1:10 am

Well, looks like Beigne is too busy writing erotic slash fiction of Parappa the Rapper seducing Ian Hanomansing during a in-studio interview for CBC News Now.

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Anyways, next up we have “Beliveau10”, a Habs broad.

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Wait, no.

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A Flyers broad?

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That can’t be right. I’m not a smart man, that’s why I have to clear everything I write with a guardian ad litem before I post it, but I am pretty sure that Beliveau was a Canadien great. Not Heritage-Minute-of-him-getting-a-sore-back-moving-furniture great or pitchman-for-a-placebo-foot-massager great, but better-than-all-the-Leaf-”legends”-combined great. So like Shawn McEachern great.

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Anyhow, what possible explanationcould there be for a Flyers fan having that username?

Jean Beliveau actually wore the #8 for 1 game.

He is also a relative of mine and Beliveau happens to be my last name as well.

Jesus guys, I was just pondering what, if anything, would be a good trade return for the players currently on the Flyers.

Sorry to bring up trade value in thread entitled "prospective trades" on a hockey forum...



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That was both boring and disappointing. What an anticlimax this post has been. Hopefully Beliveau has some fun posts on Hockeybroads that we can fall back on.

Beliveau10 wrote:IN

Beliveau10 wrote:Honeymoon in Hampton? :bounce:

Beliveau10 wrote:Been very impressed with the Flyers' effort tonight. Lecavalier has been #1 star through 2 IMO

Beliveau10 wrote:...or Bernier

Beliveau10 wrote:I think he had a stunt double.

Beliveau10 wrote:lol.

wtf is Strombone?


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Damn it.

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So Beliveau10, tell us about yourself. Does it make you happy that you’ve let down everyone waiting for this post? Does my underperformance writing this remind you of how the Flyers play in the playoffs? This was a Flyers goalie first round effort and for that I apologize.
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Post #183 by senate » Tue Dec 24, 2013 1:13 am

Well, hopefully everyone forgets that Beliveau10 post just like Flyers fans forget Roman Cechmanek.

Anyways, next up we have Ben., a Senators broad.

To understand Ben., you have to first know that on the outskirts of Ottawa there is a happy, magical forest of crown land called the Greenbelt and in that forest there lived a silly old bear named Ben! (Who was in no way affiliated with the Gentle Ben copyright owned by CBS)

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Ben loved to eat honey!

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One day Ben. ran out of honey! And he didn’t have the money to buy more! And he was so hungry for more honey that he started to get a head ache and the shakes and a bad headache and he lost his appetite and then became nauseous to the point of vomiting!

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So Ben decided to steal some honey from a beehive while disguised as a rain cloud!

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But the bees weren’t fooled by his disguise and chased him away!

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All that really happened. Well, except Ben. wasn’t a bear, he was a hairy person.

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And he didn't live in the Greenbelt, he lived under the Colonel By underpass.

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And the beehive was really a seventh floor apartment near Bayshore.

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And the bees were really Lebanese, a proud and noble people who run the high end drug trade in Ottawa.

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Also, it was honey, it was Benzedrine. Ben. is addicted to the stuff. It’s where he gets his username.

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He did, however, spray himself with grey spray paint and tie himself to a bunch of helium ballons in an attempt to disguise himself as a rain cloud. Of course, that wasn’t nearly enough to make him float so he just went through the front door of the dealer’s apartment while yelling “I am a rain cloud!” over and over. Then they shot at him and he ran away.

So Ben, tell us about yourself. Why take Benzedrine instead of a more readily available drug like coke or meth? Yes I am aware that Benzedrine comes in pills and inhalers and not needles. Did you know that art is the language of life and if you insult my drawings you are essentially insulting all of human life? I was at a Christmas party the other night and, other than the women wearing the traditional Christmas party apparel of tight red or white sweaters with push-up bras, it was pretty boring, but someone told me a story about a woman proposing to a man and the issue was raised whether that man, who after saying yes, was obligated to buy the woman an engagement ring; I said no; for some reason that was quite controversial; what is your opinion on the matter?
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Post #184 by senate » Tue Dec 24, 2013 1:14 am

Merry Christmas Broads! And to our non-Christian broads, I hope your suffering in hell for your heathenism is both horrible and infinite.

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Post #185 by senate » Fri Jan 03, 2014 10:31 pm

Well, looks like Ben. is under an overpass huffing Benzedrine.


Anyways, next up we have “Bend”, a Sens broad.

Bend gets his username from the verb bend, which means to shape something into a curve or an angle. The word bend is the sixth favourite way to express that concept.

Arch
Curve
Warp
Hook
Bow
Bend
Contort
Distort
Deform
Angle

Bend would have scored higher if it didn’t start with the letter “b”, my 26th favourite letter.

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It’s not that “b” is a bad letter, it’s just that you have to admit that this hasn’t been b’s best year letter-wise. It was a down year for a number of letters. For “b”, it was its second year in a row of mediocre lettering. Meh, I think it is overrated. The fact that so many Broads usernames start with the letter “b” makes me realize how little respect I have for most of you. Same lousy people spelling with the same crappy letter time and time again.

So Bend, I’m not even going to bother asking you about yourself in this one. The last interesting poster was talked about pages ago.
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Post #186 by danii » Mon Jan 06, 2014 1:41 pm

skip to "d" so i can properly introduce myself


at ease gentlemen ..
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Post #187 by Germz » Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:58 pm

hi
senate wrote:As goes the Canadian Senate, so go the Ottawa Senators.
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Post #188 by Twitter bArt » Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:03 am

Germz wrote:hi


well hello there
:mkbét::lr: :lr:



OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone



It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.



Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."



...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...



Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.




:lr: :lr: :lr:
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Post #189 by senate » Sun Feb 02, 2014 1:11 am

Well, looks like Bend and danii are too much of a tease to post about themselves. That word can have non-sexual meanings. Don’t project things into my posts. That’s such a bitch move.

Anyways, next up we have Bender, a Denver Nordiques fan. Macbeth may remember him for having an Allison Brie picture as his avatar. The rest of you may remember Bender for having a green user name over on Hockeyboards or for being the legendary “The Hockey Prospector” of TheHockeyProspector.com. Wait, I didn’t mean legendary. What is the word that means “no one was aware of the existence of it and if you told them they would think you were making it up”?

By the way, kudus for the first person to click on that Hockey Prospector link, you are the second visitor to that site. The first was no doubt me.

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Wait, I'm seriously in the red on Gosling in my promised 50/50 split with Winstead.

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There we go.

Anyhow, Bender is amateur amateur scout. He or she claims to have spent 350 hours “scouting” the 2013 entry draft. That's a little over two weeks. And the time and dedication is evident in his or her in-depth analyses:

#4 – Hunter Shinkaruk, LW – Medicine Hat, WHL

One of my favourite players from this draft class and essentially the next best “can’t miss” prospect after the top 3, in my estimation. I was extremely impressed watching him play at the U18 tournament last year as a 17 year old and I believe his upside sits between very good top 6 forward to NHL star.


He or she spent the rest of the 8415 hours in the year commenting on trade proposals.

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So Bender, tells us about yourself. Do you share website advice with Irish Blues? Actually, I don’t care. You are boring, Bender. Let’s change the topic to something more interesting.

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True story: in July of 2012, I ran into a girl I went to university with at Second Cup. I did a three person seminar project on Japanese security policy together with her and her boyfriend. Anyway, we small talked for a bit and then she told me that she had a spare ticket to the Metric show at Bluesfest later that week and asked me if I wanted to go. I couldn’t figure out if she was asking me out or asking me as a friend but it felt too awkward. I said yes, figuring I would just play it by ear.

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Skipping ahead for tl;dr sake, I meet her outside the War Museum an hour before the show starts and she is fucking wasted. Like seriously sloppy drunk. I offer to take her home, but she insists on going to the concert. So, we go. She hits up the beer tent. The concert starts and she jumps around to the music. Then after a few songs she starts sort of grinding on me. I’m sober and she is borderline blackout, so I just stand there and try not to encourage her. Then after another song or so she gets tired and just rests her head on my arm and wraps her arms around me. I think I am in the clear but during the fifteen minute rendition of Dead Disco she sticks her hand down my jeans and squeezes my penis. I was surprised by it and she rough and had long fingernails so I yelped and pulled her hand away. She laughed and fell backwards onto her ass laughed some more. People were looking at us, so I helped out her up and she went back to hugging me.

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Like a half an hour after that the concert ends, I offer to get her a cab home, but she insists that she lives near so I walk her home. She spent the entire fifteen minute walk with both her arms hugging my right arm. Around halfway there, she thanks me for giving her a fun night out because her husband never does anything fun with her. That leads me to blurt out “What? You’re married?” And she tells me that her “husband”, whose name I recognized as her boyfriend in that seminar we did together, were in a common law marriage. He had never proposed to her but they had lived together for six years, filed taxes together, and introduced themselves to others as husband and wife. Finally, we get to her building near midnight, she says that she better get up to her apartment because he is probably sitting up worrying about her. Then she leaned in to kiss me. I dodged it with a hug - one of the few times in history when a man wasn’t on the receiving end of that move - and she pouted and went in the building.

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She called me one and texted three times over the next two weeks. I didn’t answer any of them and never saw her again. Oh and some of her finger nails broke the skin and I had scabs on my penis for nearly a month.

So Bender, do you think Emily Haines is still hot? Or that she was ever hot? Do the voice and legs make up for the chin? Are the crazy eyes a turn off or a turn on?

In case you aren't familiar:

Old Emily:

[YOUTUBE]zeHu8qvVxT4[/YOUTUBE]

Mid-term Emily:

[YOUTUBE]jq3-wZs64n4[/YOUTUBE]

Current Emily:

[YOUTUBE]C9HRoBCKax4[/YOUTUBE]


Also, did I go on a date with a married woman? Was it really a date? Was she really married? Was I sexually assaulted? When they give those stats about all the sexual crimes that aren't reported, am I included in those numbers? Do you think there was a cuckold or open relationship thing going on? Or was I going to get invited into a devil's threeway? Or did I pass up an opportunity to become a male mistress?
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Post #190 by senate » Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:01 pm

Well, looks like Bender is too busy scouting the 2015 draft.

Anyways, next up we have “benji”, a gambling Habs board maybe? I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t feel comfortable writing this considering ... well, you all know.

No need digging up stuff that is buried in the past.

So benji, there is nothing I want to say to you and, more importantly, there is nothing I want you to say to me.
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Post #191 by senate » Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:15 pm

Well, looks like benji has left Hockeybroads for me to have.

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Anyways, next up we have BennysFlyers, a Philly Broads.

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Hey broads, shake it loose together. The spotlight’s hitting something that’s been known to change the weather. We’ll kill the fatted Jeffler tonight. So stock around, you’re gonna read electric posts about who the Flyers’ goaltending. Solid walls of text.

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Say, CharlieGirl and Hovercraft, have you seen him or her yet? But he or she is so spaced out, B-B-B-Benny’s Flyers. Oh but he or she is weird and he or she is wonderful. Oh Benny, he or she’s really keen. He or she’s got an avatar of Bryzgalov and a mohair suit. You know I read it in a magazine.

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B-B-B-Benny’s Flyers.

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Hey broads, plug into the Flyers board. Maybe they’re boring, but Benny made them ageless. We shall survive, let us take ourselves along where we throw batteries at JD Drew to find who’s right and who’s wrong.

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B-B-B-Benny‘s Flyers.

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So BennysFlyers, tell us about yourself. Can you feel the love on Hockeybroads tonight? Do you remember when rock was young and me and Suzie had so much fun? Are Saturdays really meant for fighting? Are you not the man they think you are back home? Don’t you go breaking my heart and not talk to me because that is what I would call the blues.

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Post #192 by senate » Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:18 pm

Well, looks like Bennysflyers lived his life like a candle in the wind, never knowing what hockey message board to post in when the rain came in.

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Anyways, next up we have Benoit Balls. You may know Benoit Balls as afashionablehat.

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No double dipping, afashionablehat.
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Post #193 by senate » Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:21 pm

Well, looks like Benoit Balls is off being some other boards’ forum biographer’s sloppy seconds.

Anyways, next up we have benyamin. You may know benyamin from nothing. He or she has never posted and hasn’t logged on to Hockeybroads since the day he or she joined on January 31, 2013.

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But what else can we infer about benyamin? Well, Benyamin is a Hebrew and Arabic spelling for the forename Benjamin so whoever benyamin is he or she has an insufferable opinion on the Middle East. He or she didn’t capitalize his or her username, so he or she has no self-esteem and hates himself or herself. He or she probably joined Hockeybroads just so someone would acknowledge him. But even if they read his words, they wouldn’t know him. They wouldn’t care. He’d kill himself if he wasn’t so a coward. He isn’t even man enough to die. The doctor says he is depressed, but the doctor is wrong. He can’t feel depressed because he hasn’t felt anything but exhaustion for years.

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So benyamin, tell us about yourself. How do you find the willpower to keep going? Do you ever just want to give up? Are you really tired? Do you ever wonder if being dead really is like sleeping forever? When you think that, do you have the urge to just lie down on the ground and close your eyes and just sleep? Just sleep forever?

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Post #194 by senate » Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:24 pm

Well, looks like benyamin is in a better place.

Anyways, next up we have beowulf.

Sing, Oh goddess, sing of the rage of beowulf, son of Ecgpeow;
that murderous anger which condemned Hockeybroads.com
to countless agonies and threw many broad souls
deep into the HFboards...


... wait. That’s not right. Hold on.

So. The Poster-Broads in days gone by
and the janitors who ruled them had courage and greatness.
We have heard of those cockfag’s heroic threads.

There was beowulf, scourage of many boards,
a wrecker of GDT threads, rampaging among foes.
This terror of the Habs board had come far.
A foundling to start with, he first posted on
the Welcome Back To Some Familiar Faces saga.
As his powers waxed and his worth was proved
he posted speculation about Josh Gorges’ contract.
In the end he song of the new coach in the city of steel
beyond the four-o-one road in the golden land of the horse shoe.
That was a good broad.


So beowulf, tell us the tales of your adventures. Try to shoehorn a gratuitous naked Angelina Jolie in somewhere.
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Post #195 by senate » Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:15 am

Well, looks like no one who reads this thread is cultured in anything beyond any literature beyond Archie comics (or as it is known in French, “Persepolis”).

Anyways, next up we have “bert”. You may remember bert as a Sens board and if you do, then you were a Sens poster over on Hockeyboards because bert has done jackshit over here.

[img]25.media.tumblr.com/d5e614dc2f2d793891ce9b204c49b49c/tumblr_n0x1tlm1vT1qf426so2_250.gif[/img]

Who is bert? Well, judging from his posts on the other place, he’s a little bit of a douche who may or may not have once taught English in Taiwan. But, who is bert really? I wrestled with this question for a long time - which is to say that I thought about it for a few seconds, didn’t immediately think of an answer, and promptly gave up. Then, several weeks later, one morning at 3am I came across John Travolta’s greatest artistic contribution to humanity (and Nick Cage’s fourth) and the answer hit me:

[CENTER]To know my broad, I must find him, face him, and then ... become him.[/CENTER]

So, I tracked bert down. I picked a Bert surname at random in a phone book a found in pay phone at the Rideau Centre and went to the address. How did you know it was our bert, you may ask? I knew because I am a pretty big fucking deal. My life is the fulcrum which lifts humanity. It’s a senate world and you all are just poorly fleshed out background characters living it.

[img]i.imgur.com/THQjt8Q.gif[/img]

I spent the night casing bert from a spider hole I dug in the front lawn of his Nepean bungalow. I knew that it would take all my patience and cunning to formulate an elaborate con where I could convince bert to let me live as him.

[img]i.imgur.com/kzmi8IP.jpg[/img]

I didn’t have time for that, so when he left his house to go to work the next morning I threw a brick at his head. That knocked him down but he was still moving around so I ran over, picked up the brick, and bashed his head with it. Then, sheltered from view by the snow banks, I took his car keys out his pocket, opened his trunk, and heaved his body into it. Then I drove to the east end in absolutely nightmare rush hour traffic and dumped him into the peat in Mer Bleue.

[img]i.imgur.com/dj6LUUF.jpg[/img]

I drove back to bert’s house, dressed up in some of his clothes, sat down on his couch, and tried to think like a man who would paint his living room taupe. After several hours, the front door opened and a woman came in. She didn’t notice me to she got to the kitchen. Then she got all yelly and pointed a chef’s knife at me. I tried to explain to her that I was bert now but she just wasn’t getting it. She kept trying to change the subject to irrelevant topics like “not knowing anyone named ‘bert’”, “her husband’s name was Dharanidhar Rangarajan”, and “where is Dharanidhar; what did you do to Dharanidhar”.

After a few minutes of not listening to the very simple concept I was trying to convey, bert’s wfe pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed 9-11. It was then that I realized that an individual cannot define themselves by their relationship and that true self-realization can only come from solitude. So, I did the only logical thing and ran my shoulder directly into the knife, began screaming into the phone “Help! Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”, and then grabbed bert’s wife’s now free knife hand and began beating my face with it. Long story short, I managed to convince the police, several doctors, and a judge that she had Capgras syndrome and had her committed to the Royal Ottawa.

[img]upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ed/Royal_Ottawa.JPG[/img]

So after surgery and a few weeks of living an abused spouse shelter while testifying in court, I returned to the house. It was then that I noticed that bert owned a dead parrot. This really confused me. What kind of a person owns a dead pirate? I thought it through and it was quite simple. Bert was some sort of pirate or perhaps dread pirate who had accumulated so much pirate gold that he and his seahag first mate retired from the pirate life, got married, and settled down in the suburbs of Ottawa – a place so far from the sea that no one would suspect their pirate background. (The parrot, bert’s life-long friend and constant companion, was not used to the Vitamin-C rich food of landlubbers and died of what doctor’s call “anti-scurvy”.)

It made perfect sense and also explained why bert’s first mate so readily attacked me: she was protecting the pirate gold that bert had hidden somewhere in the house!

[img]i1.minus.com/iNaPJKQFvftOH.jpg[/img]

I did the only logical thing and abandoned being bert and searched the house for the gold. Alas, I didn’t even find a single doubloon there or in the yard or in bert’s and his wife’s cars.

[img]i.imgur.com/tWlDHwl.jpg[/img]
[img]i.imgur.com/C3sPh52.jpg[/img]
[img][IMG]img59.imageshack.us/img59/8125/interiour1.jpg[/img][/IMG]

No treasure maps either.

Eventually, I gave up and left. Driving the digger back to the rental place, I realized I didn’t find anything of value except for the answer to the question that started me on that journey. Who was bert? Bert was a successful pirate and a failure ex-pirate. Faced with the crafty merchants of College Square, bert and his pieces of eight were soon parted. The buccaneer could face down enemy cannons, but he couldn’t tell his wife that they were broke.

So, to milk a rhetorical device again, who was bert? Bert was human. Just like you, just like me, just like King Clancy.

So bert’s former ship’s crew or next of kin, tell us about him. Talk amongst yourself. I’ve got more interesting things I could be doing.

I am just going outside and may be sometime.

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senate
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Post #196 by senate » Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:36 am

Well, looks like no one who reads this thread is cultured in anything beyond any literature beyond Archie comics (or as it is known in French, “Persepolis”).

Anyways, next up we have “bert”. You may remember bert as a Sens board and if you do, then you were a Sens poster over on Hockeyboards because bert has done jackshit over here.

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Who is bert? Well, judging from his posts on the other place, he’s a little bit of a douche who may or may not have once taught English in Taiwan. But, who is bert really? I wrestled with this question for a long time - which is to say that I thought about it for a few seconds, didn’t immediately think of an answer, and promptly gave up. Then, several weeks later, one morning at 3am I came across John Travolta’s greatest artistic contribution to humanity (and Nick Cage’s fourth) and the answer hit me:

[CENTER]To know my broad, I must find him, face him, and then ... become him.[/CENTER]

So, I tracked bert down. I picked a Bert surname at random in a phone book a found in pay phone at the Rideau Centre and went to the address. How did you know it was our bert, you may ask? I knew because I am a pretty big fucking deal. My life is the fulcrum which lifts humanity. It’s a senate world and you all are just poorly fleshed out background characters living it.

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I spent the night casing bert from a spider hole I dug in the front lawn of his Nepean bungalow. I knew that it would take all my patience and cunning to formulate an elaborate con where I could convince bert to let me live as him.

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I didn’t have time for that, so when he left his house to go to work the next morning I threw a brick at his head. That knocked him down but he was still moving around so I ran over, picked up the brick, and bashed his head with it. Then, sheltered from view by the snow banks, I took his car keys out his pocket, opened his trunk, and heaved his body into it. Then I drove to the east end in absolutely nightmare rush hour traffic and dumped him into the peat in Mer Bleue.

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I drove back to bert’s house, dressed up in some of his clothes, sat down on his couch, and tried to think like a man who would paint his living room taupe. After several hours, the front door opened and a woman came in. She didn’t notice me to she got to the kitchen. Then she got all yelly and pointed a chef’s knife at me. I tried to explain to her that I was bert now but she just wasn’t getting it. She kept trying to change the subject to irrelevant topics like “not knowing anyone named ‘bert’”, “her husband’s name was Dharanidhar Rangarajan”, and “where is Dharanidhar; what did you do to Dharanidhar”.

After a few minutes of not listening to the very simple concept I was trying to convey, bert’s wfe pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed 9-11. It was then that I realized that an individual cannot define themselves by their relationship and that true self-realization can only come from solitude. So, I did the only logical thing and ran my shoulder directly into the knife, began screaming into the phone “Help! Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”, and then grabbed bert’s wife’s now free knife hand and began beating my face with it. Long story short, I managed to convince the police, several doctors, and a judge that she had Capgras syndrome and had her committed to the Royal Ottawa.

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So after surgery, rehab, and a few weeks of living an abused spouse shelter while testifying in court, I returned to the house. It was then that I noticed that bert owned a dead parrot. This really confused me. What kind of a person owns a dead pirate? I thought it through and it was quite simple. Bert was some sort of pirate or perhaps dread pirate who had accumulated so much pirate gold that he and his seahag first mate retired from the pirate life, got married, and settled down in the suburbs of Ottawa – a place so far from the sea that no one would suspect their pirate background. (The parrot, bert’s life-long friend and constant companion, was not used to the Vitamin-C rich food of landlubbers and died of what doctor’s call “anti-scurvy”.)

It made perfect sense and also explained why bert’s first mate so readily attacked me: she was protecting the pirate gold that bert had hidden somewhere in the house!

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I did the only logical thing and abandoned being bert and searched the house for the gold. Alas, I didn’t even find a single doubloon there or in the yard or in bert’s and his wife’s cars.

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No treasure maps either

Eventually, I gave up and left. Driving the digger back to the rental place, I realized I didn’t find anything of value except for the answer to the question that started me on that journey. Who was bert? Bert was a successful pirate and a failure ex-pirate. Faced with the crafty merchants of College Square, bert and his pieces of eight were soon parted. The buccaneer could face down enemy cannons, but he couldn’t tell his wife that they were broke.

So, to milk a rhetorical device again, who was bert? Bert was human. Just like you, just like me, just like King Clancy.

So bert’s former ship’s crew or next of kin, tell us about him. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ve got more interesting things I could be doing.


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I am just going outside and may be sometime.

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