Meet the Broads

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VLoo
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Post #201 by VLoo » Sun Apr 13, 2014 7:04 pm

Dear senate,

What the fuck?

Sincerely, everyone who wants to continue Meeting the Broads
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Post #202 by NHL33 » Sun Apr 13, 2014 7:26 pm

I only care about cute GIFs. Fuck the broads.
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Post #203 by senate » Mon Apr 14, 2014 7:44 pm

Oh right this thread.

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To be honest, I was cheating on Hockeybroads most of the fall and winter with another site, but we've decided to go our separate ways. Or at least that is how I choose to interpret them deleting my account.

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Anyways, I'll post more regularly as the weather gets warmer and my alcohol intake increases.

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Hopefully, I also finish the Goslindex Broad rating system too.

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Don't worry, even though certain high profile Habs broads want nothing more than Meet The Broads to stop, it will go on.

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Post #204 by senate » Tue Apr 29, 2014 11:49 pm

Well, I gave you all the time in the world to answer, bert.

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Anyways, next up we have Bert 'n Ernie’s Parents. You may remember them as Filadelphia Phlyer Broaders.

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For those of you that don’t know, Bert and Ernie were a pair of Muppet roommates on Sesame Street whose opposite personalities often led to petty bickering - especially over the cleanliness of their shared bed. The pair are a clear homage to The Odd Couple, but the frustrated latent homosexual fathers and yaoi (google it) loving moms projected their sexual desires onto a puppet show for preschoolers, so now the joke is that Bert and Ernie are homosexuals who sodomized each other using cookie crumbs for lube.

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(Also, for those of you that didn’t know that, may I ask whether you were the inspiration for Brendan Fraser’s character in Encino Man or for Brendan Fraser’s character in George of the Jungle, or Brendan Fraser’s character in Blast From the Past?)

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Anyhow, Bert n’ Ernie’s Parents user name is reference to that. By that I mean the gay thing, not Brendan Fraser. Bert n’ Ernie’s Parents are the parents of gay twins. Yes, parents not parent. Bert n’ Ernie’s Parents is a joint account. You should have caught that earlier from my grammatical choices. Pay attention, all the pieces matter.

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They held no shame in their kids sexual orientation. The name was merely a little inside joke between themselves and the account was used for typical boring hockey talk.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:Did I miss something? How is Couturier pulling in $3 mil? Unless he explodes out of the gate in the preseason, I'd rather see Couturier in Adirondack and a veteran playing there for that amount of cash. Leino? I'm nonplussed unless he seriously reduces his asking price. Cole would be nice.


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But sometime in July 2012 Bert n’ Ernie’s Parents made the shocking discovery that their children were in an incestuous relationship. The psychological damage of the discovery caused the Bert ‘n Ernie’s Parents to separate and stop talking to each other. The pair weren’t spotted on Hockeybroads for nearly 7 months, but then they started using their account to take subtle jabs at each other.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:Snider should have fired Laviolette before the season started. There was clearly problems in the dressing room. Any competent owner would never have let things get so bad.


Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:Snider was busy. He works hard paying the Flyers bills, he doesn’t have time to micromanage the team. Holmgren should have spent less time sitting around on herass flirting with his exes on Facebook and more time paying attention to what was happening down the hall.


Prison Mike wrote:Holmgren was doing what?


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Eventually it stopped being subtle.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:I told you that we shouldn’t have given them baths together.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:They were babies at the time, John!

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:You don’t put kids in sexual situations, Darlene, that’s how people develop fetishes.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:Oh, is that what they taught you Mr. Professor in your one semester of college?

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:I know enough science to know that they both got the cocksucker gene from you.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:Well, god knows they didn’t get any erection genes from you.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:Yeah well Linda used to come over to enjoy my erection gene once a week when you were at spin class.

Bert 'n Ernie's Parents wrote:And you wonder why they are so cavalier about sex with a role model like you.

Prison Mike wrote:Who's Linda?


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Then the Flyers went 1-5 to start the season and Bert ‘n Ernie Parents lost all interest in Hockeybroads.

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So Bert n’ Ernie, tell us about yourselves. What is your favourite Brendan Fraser movie? Did your sons stop at third or did they round it all the way home? Or is the baseball metaphor for anal sex really “dug out”? How fucking long was this post? Should I go back and edit it down? Or edit it at all? Do you think Bert and Ernie are based on the Odd Couple play, movie, or tv show? How many months do you think I can put off writing the next one of these? Should I shoot for three?

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Post #205 by senate » Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:15 am

Well, it looks like Bert n’ Earnie’s Parents had another falling out when they discovered their sons’ webshow archives on Motherless and Anonib (don’t ever go their Caleb).

[YOUTUBE]rOP0kqqJcXo[/YOUTUBE]

Anyways, next up we have Bieskuhhh... ugh, what am I doing with my life that I am writing about a poster named Bieskuhhh. Why did I ever let Jennifer go. She would have said yes if I proposed. She would never had let my life come to this. I drive by her house a lot just for the chance to see her. But I never do. It’s always her fat husband playing outside with their pig-faced kids. I bet if they were out of the way she’d come back to me. Those kids set up lemonade stand a few times every summer, if I could sneak some crushed castor beans in there then it ...

[YOUTUBE]pSi6xOPg_gA[/YOUTUBE]

Oh right, that thing I was doing. Bieskuhhh was a Canucks broad. Remember those things? Like that little VCX guy? It’s shame that his honour killing was overshadowed by that Burke-CamBarker legal drama. We could have at least renamed Northern Europe after him or something.

[YOUTUBE]GRM1rqShMas[/YOUTUBE]

Anyhow, Bieskuhhh doesn’t take his or her name from that below-average defenceman that Jim Hughson and John Garrett always want us to masturbate with them about. Instead, he or she named themselves after the catch phrase of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Ali G. Remember how funny everyone thought Sacha Baron Cohen was twelve years ago? In hindsight, we were so desperate for a laugh at 9/11 that we’d settle for anything. Hence Will Ferrell.

[YOUTUBE]gTjaYpp6B4U[/YOUTUBE]

Bieskuhhh, thinking himself HILARIOUS, writes all his or her posts in Ali G’s broken patois English. Unfortunately, he was a Vancouver Broad so everyone just assumes Bieskuhhh is an immigrant writing in Pidgin English and ignores him or her. Which is exactly what they’d do if they knew he was speaking like Ali G, so no harm no foul.

[YOUTUBE]ITiX9DKkRWI[/YOUTUBE]

So Bieskuhhh, tell us about yourself in proper Queen’s English. Do you ever think about the girl that got away? How love can just slip through your fingers like Sacha Baron Cohen's career slipped away from him? Also, have I become Broads' resident perv poster since VCX's left? Do you think that his family disposed of his body in Stanley Park or off the Lion's Gate Bridge? Do you think they'd be willing to give me advice about what to do with Jennifer's family?

[YOUTUBE]hKsR-_7zVQk[/YOUTUBE]

I'm just going to level with you and admit that this paragraph only exists to justify another video.

[YOUTUBE]_lKh8OoMPjU[/YOUTUBE]
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Post #206 by senate » Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:20 am

Well, it looks like Bieskuhhh forgot about Hockeybroads just like the world forgot about Sacha Baron Cohen.

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Anyways, next up we have Big#D, a Habs broad that masquerades as a Devils broad because he or she prefers to be a big fish in a little pond rather than a little fish in a septic tank.

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I know I am not Big#D’s favourite poster, or even in his or her top three dozen, therefore I am going to step aside and let one of my betters have the honour.

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So, mein Breite ubermenschen, tell us about Big#D. Be sure to include some Ryan Gosling gifs when you do. This thread is running a Winstead surplus and we need to even out the eye candy for Pancakes and the rest of our lady broads.

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Post #207 by senate » Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:29 am

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Well, let’s move on while everyone decides who gets to write about Big#D or until I get bored of my little passive aggressive joke and write it myself next.

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Anyways, next up we have BigBadBruins. He or she is probably a Bruins broad, but he or she never posted so it is impossible to say.

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I understand why he or she never posted on Hockeybroads. The Bruins bored is haunted.

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It was the winter of 2000. I was driving to Marblehead, Massachusetts to make my yearly pilgrimage to the filming location of The Voyage of Mimi. My car broke down in a snow storm on a desert stretch of the Yankee Division Highway. It was very cold and I was worried that I was going to freeze to death. Luckily, a lone car arrived out of the darkness, saw I was in distress, and offered me a ride to the next gas station. When I got to the gas station, the old man attendant was very surprised to see me. He said that state trooper had closed the highway hours ago. I told him about my breakdown and the local man that saved me. When I said the man’s name, the attendant’s face went white. “That’s impossible,” he said, “pedrospecialk died in a car accident with Craig MacTavish sixteen years ago!”

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And now he isn’t busy haunting the back roads of the bay state, pedrospecialk haunts Hockeybroads. Him replying to one of your posts is a death omen. You or someone close to you, will die in the next week.

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So, BigBadBruinss, tell us about yourself? Are you afraid of ghosts or does bustin’ just not make you feel good? Have you seen many ghosts? I’ve seen two. The first ghost I ever saw was at moonless autumn midnight on the shores of Lake Calabogie. She emerged from the water with an eerie pale glow and dressed all in white. She whispered that I was the love of her life, but I betrayed her for her sister and then drowned her in the lake so she had returned to drown me. I told her that she was mistaken and that I had never met her or even been to the lake before. She apologized and left. But I totally did all those things she said because her sister was into butt stuff. She was really nearsighted and I noticed she wasn’t wearing any ghost glasses so I put on a fake voice and called myself Gary and she totally bought it. The second time was when I was visited by the ghost of Yom Kippur Past, Sandy Koufax. He was supposed to visit Germz teach him the true meaning of Reform Judaism, but there was some sort of clerical error and he ended up in my house instead. It took like 2 hours of phone calls to get it all cleared up. And the ghost wouldn’t if sign my baseball because he was “non-corporeal”. He wouldn’t tell me why Wikipedia said he was still alive either. Typical celebrity.

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Post #208 by AD » Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:47 am

Too late, D. Your turn is up. We're at BigBadBruins.
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Post #209 by Craig » Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:56 am

Big#D is an accountant. He cheers for a boring team, lives in a boring city and cares for his boring family.

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Post #210 by AD » Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:58 am

He used to live an exciting (for an accountant) life in Austria (or Germany or somewhere, whatever..)

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Post #211 by Craig » Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:00 am

What? We're done. We've completely covered everything about you.
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Post #212 by senate » Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:54 am

Something I forgot to use last night: a new feature to this thread, inspired by Predfan and Big#D's fetishes to quantify everyone's worth, is the Goslindex. From now on, when introduced, all Broads will be rated on a 14 point scale of Ryan Gosling's movie and tv appearances. I strongly encourage whoever writes up Big#D (probably Commons) to use it.

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Post #213 by AD » Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:31 am

Welp, that was surely the worst 30 days in Broads history.

And yes I'm counting the days when Chicpea would be alone on here.. liveblogging Habs games... to no one.
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Post #214 by Artie » Wed Jul 30, 2014 11:19 pm

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:mkbét::lr: :lr:

OOOH yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of Vinny is gone

It's too bad all the people that could really run the Habs are busy doing talk radio, writing blogs or posting on message boards.

Now, Lajoie is an imbecile, a cretin and a plagiarist, who to use author Dany Laferrière's deliciously withering expression, "lives beyond his intellectual means."

...as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel...

Haddock wrote:I wouldn't know anything about that. I gave my soul up when I swore allegiance to the goddamn queen.


:lr: :lr: :lr:

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