Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

and other failures by our esteemed colleague Malthus
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chicpea
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Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #1 by chicpea » Tue Jun 11, 2019 8:23 pm

I'm probably a little too shy to make jokes myself, but some of you guys aren't very shy at all. I bet you could talk your way into heaven with a great joke.

I would bet my getting into heaven on it.
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #2 by mayoradamwest » Tue Jun 11, 2019 9:28 pm

A tray of muffins is cooking at 325 degrees.
1 muffin looks to the other and says "It sure is hot in here."
The other muffin looks at him and says "holy shit, that muffin can talk!"
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #3 by clawfirst » Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:05 pm

I had a joke written for this very thread 9 or 12 years ago but it is no longer socially appropriate.

Thanks Obama
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #4 by Shawnathan Horcoff » Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:36 am

A Newf named Clyde (Wells) died in a fire and was burned so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, (Farmer) Clem and Zeke (of HFBorad fame) came to do the job. (Farmer) Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. (Farmer) Clem said, "Yup, he's burned pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and (Farmer) Clem took one look and said, "Nope, ain't Clyde (Wells)."

Just to be safe the mortician brought in Zeke (of HFBerod fame) and Zeke (of HFBoder fame) took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burned real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke (of HBFerod fame) looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde (Wells)."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?”

Zeke (of FBHored fame) replied, “Well, Clyde (Wells) had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town folks would say, 'Here comes Clyde (Wells) with them two assholes.'”
Also, let's keep this thread about Galchenyuk's on-ice performance, development and value and NOT bring in his personal life or race.
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #5 by AD » Wed Jun 12, 2019 1:19 pm

An engineer dies and is transported to the pearly gates.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'.

Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning.

He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water.

He then thought it was a bit dark so he installed decent lighting.

The devil was very pleased and rang St. Peter to gloat 'thanks for sending me that engineer, he has made hell a really nice place'.

Oh dear' said St. Peter (that was the nearest he got to swearing) 'if he can tame hell I must have made a mistake. Send him back up here.' Naturally, the devil refused so St. Peter said 'if you don't I will sue you'.

The devil just laughed and said 'Where are you going to find a lawyer?'
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #6 by AD » Wed Jun 12, 2019 1:20 pm

Naturally, this will convince Satin Peter to let a lawyer in. Its foolproof.
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #7 by MP » Wed Jun 12, 2019 1:53 pm

I'll just line up behind AD.
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #8 by senate » Wed Jun 12, 2019 9:07 pm

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.
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Re: Which Joke Would You Tell Satin Peter at The Gates of Heaven?

Post #9 by PredsFan77 » Wed Jun 12, 2019 9:18 pm

So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”






The moth says “What’s the problem?






Where do I begin, man?





I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work.





Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.







I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows.





He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness.





But I don’t know,





I wake up in a malaise,






and I walk here





and there…




at night I…






I sometimes wake up





and I turn to some old lady





in my bed






that’s on my arm.





A lady that I once loved, doc.





I don’t know where to turn to.





My youngest,





Alexendria,





she fell in the…






in the cold of last year.





The cold took her down,





as it did many of us.





And my other boy,





and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc.






My other boy,





Gregarro Ivinalititavitch…








I no longer love him.








As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes,








all I see is the same cowardice that I…













that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.








If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…









perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me





and end this hellish facade once and for all…







Doc,







sometimes I feel like a spider,








even though I’m a moth,






just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me.








I’m not feeling good.










And so the doctor says,





“Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
































And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
CDX.NA.IG.9









[LEFT]Image[/LEFT]

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