Gums

and other failures by our esteemed colleague Malthus
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chicpea
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Gums

Post #1 by chicpea » Wed Jul 22, 2020 11:50 pm

I used to chew a lot of gum. That was back when I was a kid. Actually, I still do but it's not with the same vigour or for the same purpose.

When I was a kid, I chewed it because it tasted so much better than any food. I know you probably agree. Except maybe pizza and donairs we would get from a place in Belmont, the neighbourhood next door in Dartmouth, and which was next to the Imperial Oil refinery, which fascinated me every time we drove by. Have you ever seen such steam and smoke? I doubt it. If you say yes, you are probably a habitual liar.

Anyway, you might guess that I specialized in bubble gum. You would be incorrect. Plain or purple Hubba Bubba and also Double Bubble and also Bazooka Joe, who wore an eye patch, were the only bubble gums I chewed regularly (except one - see below).

Mostly though, if I could afford or find them, I stuck to three or four main gums.

The first and cheapest was called Black Bart. It was a single black stick about as long as a large adult's index finger. It made your teeth black. You may think it tasted like black licorice, but it didn't. I hate black licorice. I absolutely adored this gum and I think you would if you tried it. I was really fun to chew. Also, unlike Bazooka Joe, Black Bart wore a mask, like a roadside bandit might. It was very compelling at the time. I would give this gum 10/10.

The next on the price tier was very controversial. It was called Thrills. What a nice name because thrills is how I felt when I had six nickels in my pocket and could buy a pack. Some people said it tasted like soap. Those people were either eating too much soap or were complete idiots. In fact, I believe they were both. It had a very modern package and came in six squares like your regular excel-type gums today. But the colours! They went with purple and yellow if I recall, a very bold choice in my opinion. As an aside: when I was older and watched Coach starring Craig T Nelson, it always reminded me of Thrills because his team was called the Minnesota Vikings and their colours were purple and yellow because those are the colours vikings like. I think this gum deserves a 10/10.

As I got older and my allowance increased to $6/week, and as I also learned to shoplift well, my tastes in gum grew more refined and one of my teachers even said it was "sublime". He was remarking upon seeing me open a pack of Gatorgum. Now, some of you may not believe this, but Gatorgum is from the same company that makes Gatorade. And at the time, at least where I lived, it was far more common than the drink, which I also like. Gatorgum was exquisite. It was the caviar of gums for me. The texture, the extreme tangy punch that knocked your socks right off and almost made your neck explode for some reason. It also had very fancy packaging. It was like the gum Extra is now - with the folding open and close. No big deal you say? It was a big deal. And each thick little rectangle came in its own silver package. If you think this gum is amaxing already, wait until you hear what's next. It came in TWO flavours - orange and green. I usually got orange but that is because I am partial to the colour. Really, green was just as good and if someone offered me a single piece of green gatorgum for my entire Oh Henry or Mr Big or Crunchy, I would've traded immediately. This gum gets a 10/10.

The last gum on my list was more expensive but also more voluminous. I will call it a mystery gum for now. I will leave it for you to wonder about. It gets a 10/10 as well. I'm sure you know what it is already.
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Re: Gums

Post #2 by Dr_Chimera » Thu Jul 23, 2020 12:29 am

We chewed a lot of gum during Perestroika and after. A LOT of gum.

And it was all vaguely western. I think most of it was made in Turkey, and none of it exists anymore.

I distinctly remember one that was called Turbo, which had fancy wrappers and little pictures of supercars inside them. Ferraris, Lambos, stuff like that.

Those were the most valuable things in the world. You would kill your grandma for those. And they weren't lame like pokemans or beanie babies or whatever the kids are into these days.

Some kids stole shit from their parents - like jewellery - and traded that for the pictures. I was very emotionally invested in gum. That particular gum.

Gum in this part of the world isn't interesting at all. I have not chewed gum since 1995.
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Re: Gums

Post #3 by chicpea » Thu Jul 23, 2020 12:52 am

That was a very good gum story. It deserves rep from anyone who reads it, doktor Turbo.
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Re: Gums

Post #4 by Dr_Chimera » Thu Jul 23, 2020 1:01 am

chicpea wrote:That was a very good gum story. It deserves rep from anyone who reads it, doktor.


My stories have ethos and pathos. Yours are weird.
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Re: Gums

Post #5 by chicpea » Thu Jul 23, 2020 1:29 am

You're the Woody Allen of gum stories. I'm the David Lynch.
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Re: Gums

Post #6 by PredsFan77 » Thu Jul 23, 2020 8:13 am

I don't chew gum, I dislocated my jaw once playing hockey which fortunately popped back in to place on its own after a short period of being in significant pain. The knock on effects is I sometimes get something akin to TMJ where the jaw muscle kind of seizes up after lots of repeated use. Can flair up after doing on a long drinking binge or playing hockey with the cage too tight on my chin. I get muscle relaxers to deal with it.
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Re: Gums

Post #7 by chicpea » Sat Jul 25, 2020 11:54 am

Yesterday I saw a young ladie wearing from china ??? a nice tee shirt that said "tres jolie" and she had very small breasts. I wanted to tell her right then and there that she was perfect and that we could be married without a hitch and live at my place or maybe even my dad's house. But she went into Starbucks near my house. She moved so quickly I lost my nerve. I was chewing excel gum (blue).
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Re: Gums

Post #8 by PredsFan77 » Sat Jul 25, 2020 12:04 pm

probably not worth it if she likes starbucks, high maintenance
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Re: Gums

Post #9 by Sinclair » Mon Jul 27, 2020 11:46 am

Is it Big League Chew? It has the volume and the price. It also trains children to enjoy tobacco products. I am feeling good about this guess.

Since 2016 I have spent thousands on nicotine gum. I was hopelessly addicted and would chew it vigorously and continuously. Corona saved me from this prison of addiction. I ran out in March and the guilt and shame of going to a drug store to purchase nicotine gum was too much to bear. My withdrawal from nicotine almost cost me my marriage but I am happy to report I now chew Extra Bubblemint without nicotine or insanity!

Black Bart 10/10
Thrills 0/10 - too soapy
Gatorgum 10/10
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Re: Gums

Post #10 by PredsFan77 » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:14 pm

why not vape
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Re: Gums

Post #11 by Sinclair » Mon Jul 27, 2020 1:03 pm

Why not fuck a pocket pussy instead of a real vagina Predo? Like with real vaginas, I need to feel the burn or there is just no satisfaction.
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Re: Gums

Post #12 by mayoradamwest » Mon Jul 27, 2020 1:07 pm

try frank's hot sauce, they say you can put that shit on anything
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Re: Gums

Post #13 by PPJ » Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:37 am

I miss the gum from my pack of o pee chee 1977 hockey card set.
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Re: Gums

Post #14 by chicpea » Sat Aug 01, 2020 11:12 am

Sinclair wrote:Is it Big League Chew? It has the volume and the price. It also trains children to enjoy tobacco products. I am feeling good about this guess.


Your guess is not only vividly correct, but also displays your exemplary knowledge of gums, upon which my attraction to you as a lifelong friend was likely predicated 77.

When I was younger and opened a pouch of Big League Chew (BLC), the mass of solid gum inside the steamy, sticky sack seemed almost infinite. It was very reassuring, to be frank. It was as if all the anxiety caused by the scarcity of the other paltry gums I had had were subsumed in its sheer enormity. On top of this, it tasted very pleasant. The original, plain flavour was my selection each and every time. It was such a delight. I dare say, having a new pouch of BLC marked one of the few times I can remember being happy in my entire life.

I would give this gum a 10/10.
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Re: Gums

Post #15 by Shawnathan Horcoff » Sat Aug 01, 2020 3:27 pm

PPJ wrote:I miss the gum from my pack of o pee chee 1977 hockey card set.


One of the worst years for rookies. :why:
god damn brewery
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Re: Gums

Post #16 by PPJ » Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:57 am

Shawnathan Horcoff wrote:
PPJ wrote:I miss the gum from my pack of o pee chee 1977 hockey card set.


One of the worst years for rookies. :why:


EGADS! Just saw the list. Roland Erickson was robbed of the Calder!
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Re: Gums

Post #17 by PredsFan77 » Sun Aug 02, 2020 9:30 am

Sinclair wrote:Why not fuck a pocket pussy instead of a real vagina Predo? Like with real vaginas, I need to feel the burn or there is just no satisfaction.



would you use the new IQOS?



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Re: Gums

Post #18 by PredsFan77 » Mon Aug 03, 2020 9:51 pm

or how about the nicotine pouches?

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Re: Gums

Post #19 by MP » Mon Aug 03, 2020 10:12 pm

My gums are a nice healthy pink colour, due to my exceptional oral hygiene. Thanks for asking.

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