Various Updates on Life (VUoL)

[MP]

Hope it wasn't a Samantha bee...that would be awful.

[chicpea]

My dad got his first jab yesterday. Pfizer. Next one in four months.

I also missed out on getting a free grand piano for my apartment.

[chicpea]

Also, my dad has a stupid new gf now, which sucks. She has a stupid name on top of the insult. I bet she has her eye on the posters in my bedroom. She made my dad watch something called Green Book instead of Gunsmoke and Bonanza. I am thinking of leaving my family for good.

[PredsFan77]

run for the hills when she starts making him watch Joel Osteen

[chicpea]

Well, the blossoms are here and, predictably, have turned my once placid street into a war/contagion zone.

In addition, I'm sure some of you will recall last year I posted about a hotdog store opening near my house. Well. this is what it looks like every day from dawn until dusk. It's all Asian people in their 20s, which is really odd. It's like they have never heard of hot dogs before. Who knows? Maybe they haven't. Maybe I was the same way when I first heard of hot dogs. I honestly can't remember. I'll have to ask my dad.

Also, I went to Shoppers to get more pills. When I got to the counter there was no one there so I softly said, "yoo-hoo". Nothing. Then about 40 seconds later a very plump young lady came and growled at me, "Till 3". It seemed she thought me and idiot because I was standing between tills 1 and 2. Maybe I am an idiot I don't know. I'll have to ask my siblings. Anyway, she is of the new breed of staff who doesn't say anything to you but just puts their hand out, waiting for you to give them your item. I am particularly unfond of this technique so I just waited and looked at her, still holding my pills.

Finally she says, "what is that?"

I gave her my pills and her billowy hands scanned them on the beeper thing. Then I (knowing full well they did not sell smokes) said, "oh, I need to get cigarettes" to which she almost joyfully and snarkily replied, "we don't sell cigarettes." I replied, "I didn't ask for any." She blinked, very confused, for she was also dim on top of being an obscene specimen of a person. "I thought you said you needed cigarettes???"

I retorted calmly, "I did. And I do. And I am going to buy some tomorrow afternoon." I was surprised when she laughed, but that was a nice ending to an unfortunate and unnecessarily rude encounter. Perhaps she is very nice and was just having a bad day. I can dig that. Let that be a lesson to you.

Oh, I also wrote a really nice country love song today, worked on my Line of Duty episode review for my new blog, and had a four-hour nap. Talked to my family about easter and that quickly devolved into sex jokes for some reason. Okay day.

[chicpea]

Had to go to safeway today. I needed toilet paper and smokes and cream and coffee beans to be ground by the cute lady who sometimes grinds my coffee beans. I found out very quickly that she was not there.

As I dejectedly made my way to the dairy section, I could sense behind me a fast approaching entity (I am very attuned to the rhythms and patterns of most shoppers and I know immediately when something is amiss). I turned to see a 30-something guy in grey sweatpants and a bike helmet with a young lass (no bike helmet) in tow. He was really making haste. His eyes were bulging out of his head in what can only be described as a mania. I wondered if he was on speed or even if he was perhaps a lunatic.

I stepped aside to let them pass because I am a polite and thoughtful person (as you all know) but I could not restrain myself from quipping aloud, "Take it easy, sparky", to which he did not even flinch. He was really moving at this point. Right past the yoghurts and sour creams.

I saw them duck into aisle 11 and, as it was on my way to the incontinence and TP section, I made quick haste to catch up. Looking at the aisle sign hanging from the ceiling, I read "Female Hygiene".

I saw the two of them standing there, his eyes still bulging. They were at the maxipad section. And all I heard him say was "is it your bum?"

The poor girl. I honestly had to bite my lip not to rush into the incontinence aisle and fall on the floor laughing. I felt so bad for her to be cursed with such an idiot father or chaperone. She must have been so embarrassed. I wanted to help her out but I really think that would have made things worse.

Moral: I hope you dads out there with daughters aren't fucking morons and let your kids suffer like that because you are ignorant fucking idiots.

[Craig]

The shipping label for my new coffee maker was printed March 30th. It still has not arrived and I don't even have a delivery date. Originally it said last Friday, now it just says delayed.

I'm contemplating just eating the damn beans.

[PredsFan77]

French press

[Craig]

I bought an aeropress this morning. In a store, like some backwards luddite from 2019.

[PredsFan77]

Disgusting

[Sinclair]

I live with three females who cycle together. During shark week every trash receptacle is overflowing with plastic wrappers and the waxy paper that sticks to the glue part of the maxi pad and or panty liner. I estimate I have paid thousands for feminine hygiene products. This makes me not that buggy eyed guy who Chic called a fucking ignorant idiot.

[chicpea]

shark week

[chicpea]

I had to go to safeway today like every day to buy smokes but had a whim on the way there to try something new and varied. That is how I ended up in the singles/frozen section/aisles. I didn't meet anyone but there was a very annoying foreign-language couple (seemingly??) arguing about a ground pork package and standing in my way. I wanted to knock the pork right out of their hands just to show them that you should not argue in front of other people because it will cost you dearly but I put my hands in my pockets.

Anyway, I've never bought anything in this aisle that I can recall (actually perogies! so that is a lie), and I was faced with a real sophie's choice of frozen goods. Which would you have chosen of these options?

[Boring Choice #2]

I think that I would have walked away with my hands still in my pockets.

[chicpea]

I bought pizza pops (4). I am chasing a really good memory from Manitoba.

[shredz]

Pepperoni-Bacon?

[chicpea]

Why do people with toddlers not teach them about inside and outside voices? I am not impressed by your child's shitty vocabulary. It is likely a stunted version of yours, which is deplorable to begin with. Go fuck yourself and think of other people while you're doing it, you fucking selfish cunts.

To be fair, I really like kids. It's not their fault.

[chicpea]

Pepperoni-Bacon?

I am far too conservative an eater to buy meats - let alone a combo of them - in the singles aisle on my first official visit. I went with cheese.

The memory I am chasing is deep-fried pizza pops back when they had brekdancing videos on cbc. You could buy them in hockey rinks but the best I ever had was at my friend Jeff M's house (who was from Carman, Manitoba). His mom worked and was single so we could drink all her weird sherries and liqueurs (that's where I tried amarillo???) and watch beachcombers or mad max on tape.

[Craig]

Cheese sticks, hands down.

[PredsFan77]

egg roll looking things

[chicpea]

Cheese sticks, hands down.

I have to admit it did cross my mind. I really like the notion of cheese sticks (we have discussed them before, crag) but I am often let down. Coupled with the fact that this particular product was a Compliments product, I had to stay with my pizza pops. Compliments is the safeway/sobey's house brand and I have never had anything of theirs that was even remotely passable. I loathe them and everything they stand for.

Have you tried cheese strings? They're a kids' school-lunch-box-type snack. You have kids so I will assume yes. I tried them for the first time almost three years ago and I have never stopped eating them. Despite their bizarre rubbery texture, I really do enjoy one-to-three cheese strings.

I have never actually bought them though. I have a generous budget at work for my meetings and our assistant has well noted the things I like and the things I do not. She always loads up on cheese strings for me. God I love her.

[chicpea]

Was going through an etymology book and found some stamps I had placed there years ago and forgotten. They depict various people in russia getting married throughout history. I have no idea why I own these. Do you collect stamps?

[chicpea]

egg roll looking things

I have had nothing but sore disappointment from non-restaurant spring rolls. I don't really know what an egg roll is tbh but I do love spring rolls loaded with sprouts and carrots and deep fried and dipped in a little plum sauce why not? let's not kid ourselves it's a combination too great to ignore.

[Craig]

Yes, compliments products are guaranteed disappointment. There weren't many strong options up there.

[PredsFan77]

its the thing in the very top right corner of the last photo

[Boring Choice #2]

Re: cheese strings, I am guessing you have already seen this, but:

[chicpea]

Re: cheese strings, I am guessing you have already seen this, but:

I have indeed seen this. But I will gladly watch it again. I recall he had a very nifty hack to make the cheese work well but for the life of me I can't remember it. Thank you.

[chicpea]

egg roll looking things

That is called Beed Lasagna here. I do not recommend it. If you want to try it, you will have to go to Mawio's house of Pasta. It's in the Ottawa Valley escarpment and has a micro-climate.

[Sinclair]

Don't fall for the "Baddle" paddles. They just took regular prickle ball paddles and put super cool looking stickers on them.

I would have chosen the "Panache". They look like they are little spanakopitas but they have the balls to call it something flamboyant and sexy like "Panache" so I would give them a try. When I am in a frozen food aisle, like when I am in Walmart, I usually enter a mindspace of guilt and mental self-flagellation where I question every decision I have ever made that has led me to this particular moment in the frozen food aisle. It creates enormous amounts of regret and bitterness so I only enter that are when I know what to get. Browsing is to be avoided like hot flame. Due to this fact, my trips to the frozen food aisle are seek and destroy missions. I go straight for the Captain Highliner fish, some Superfries or tots and when the family is away I will often buy myself some pies of the chicken or turkey or steak and kidney pot variety.

[chicpea]

I came back from some tiresome errands today and found that a hairy person was moving into my building. I do not care much for hairy people in general.

The first girl I kissed (grade 1; Mrs S---'s classroom), Shannon O'B~~~~, was very hairy - like a little monkey. Perhaps that was what attracted me? I have always liked monkeys. Who knows? Mrs S~~~ made me stand outside. I still don't know why shannon was so hairy before we were even 8. I also had a disastrous Vancouver Island fling with an italian girl named Maria M~~~~~~~~~~, whose pubic hair completely enveloped even my erect penis. I found it astonishing but she was very happy with our frolicking sessions. Then she pulled a knife on one of my best friends' wives and I had to really take a hard look at the relationship. ​ ​

Anyway, as I was waiting for my elevator, which was backlogged because of the moving in (we only have one elevator; our building is from the 50s or thereabouts), I was carefully studying this hairy person's belongings, which were stacked in the foyer. Some cheap spices. Sure. Some utilitarian tupperware. Why not? Nothing to give me much of a clue. Then, one of the movers came in and placed on the floor behind me a painting.

I was immediately taken aback. It was a crudely-fashioned piece of art but very large, almost larger than me. At first I thought it was a sturgeon, which is an odd choice to be sure. But they do live nearby in the Fraser River, so that is not unreasonable.

Because I have studied Humanities for many years, my eye kept trying to penetrate this piece more and more critically. It was not until I got home and looked at the photo, however, that I realized it was, in fact, an elephant. If you rotate it vertically 90 degrees, you will see this. It is a trick we learned in Humanities. We called it "Rotating the Paradigm".

I have many questions about this elephant, the most pressing of which is why it is wearing some sort of war paint. Who put the paint on the elephant? Surely not another elephant? Then who? A human? Is my new hairy neighbour depicting some sort of future war scenario where elephants and humans are allied? If so, it is a very good alliance, and one that almost worked for that Hannibal fellow a while back. What are we fighting against? Why are the elephant's eyes so tiny? Is it enraged? Sometimes my eyes go small when I am furious.

Anyway, I have a new hairy neighbour. Luckily, he is not on my floor.

[Sinclair]

Right now the Michel Foucault is making so many problems for me I hate the humanities, so the word I would use for that art piece is ugly.

My Uncle Gilles was very hairy and ape like. His parents built CANDU reactors and he grew up all over the world like Predo. He was a pilot and a scuba diver and he was handsome. He was cosmopolitan, smooth and sophisticated. He could have been a great spy except for his one flaw of having extremely hairy skin everywhere except his palms and soles (my Aunty Suzy loved his fur btw.) He taught me to spit in my scuba mask so it didn't fog up. Uncle Dave on the other hand was no help at all. His only suggestion for 10 year old Sinclair with a scuba mask was to stay underwater long enough to "tongue 'em all to death". Uncle Dave is from Alberta. Because Uncle Gilles was a pilot he was away for long periods of time but this was not the only reason why he was gone so much. Uncle Gilles also had an entire other family with a marriage and children and he was probably just as cool with them too. I guess there was just not enough of Uncle Gilles to go around. I am unsure of the details but he and Aunty Suzy broke up and I have never seen him since.

I bet he turned out just fine.

What I am trying to say is that you can't judge a man for being hairy like you can for a man who wears white pants or has art like that elephant abomination. We know that he has bad taste with certainty. You don't know much else about him and I fear you may be making assumptions related to his hirstute appearance. Furthermore, if he is my long lost Uncle Gilles please get him to call me?

[PredsFan77]

the elephant looks mean