Why Your Team Sucks 2017: New York Jets
Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 9:12 am
Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Your 2016 record: 5-11, featuring the swift decline and felony arrest of the team’s best player this decade, who signed back on with the Jets jussssst in time to fall apart. And somehow that was the LEAST heartbreaking thing to happen to this team last year. They waffled on benching Ryan Fitzpatrick, then forgot to tell him once they finally did. Geno Smith tore his ACL. Mo Wilkerson got benched for blowing off a birthday party his own teammates were gonna throw for him. Joe McKnight was shot to death. Dennis Byrd died in a car accident. Let’s all just go to sleep forever. Your coach: Sentient headset lump Todd Bowles. I am constantly amazed by the Jets’ hiring cycle of “brash loudmouthed asshole” followed by “seemingly stable guy who actually doesn’t do much at all.” They can NEVER find a coach to bridge those two genres. When I think of the Jets human resources department, I think of a golfer stuck in a sand trap, shooting over the green into another sand trap, then shooting from that sand trap back into the ORIGINAL sand trap, then repeating that process forever., Only the Jets could sign Tim Tebow and then find the one quarterback IN HISTORY who could make Tebow look like Chris fucking Kyle. Every time Christian Hackenberg throws a ball, it’s like he’s throwing it for the first time. “What is this strange oblong spheroid you’ve handed me? It certainly presents challenges from an aerodynamic perspective! Do I throw it using my hand or some sort of crude slingshot?” He’ll get the hang of it one day.